I've been spoiled. I have been able to work from home for the last two months, thanks to Bruiser's temperament and a very cool writing job.
But now, I have to teach the class I agreed to. It's a class I designed, which is cool, but it's also going to take me away from Bruiser.
I find it really painful. Whenever I'm away from him, he's always there, on my mind, perhaps far in the background, but always present. It's like the worst middle-school obsession you've ever heard of. And he misses me when I'm away. I love when I come back and he's happy to see me, but I wish he didn't get so upset without me there. It would make it easier to be apart.
I find the stress, even in my relatively low-stress circumstance, hard to bear. I feel torn in two.
Yesterday I gave a colloquium talk presenting my dissertation research, sort of. It was so hard to stay sharp and focused for an hour and a half of serious lecturing and serious grilling. It was helpful, but I suddenly found myself thinking, I don't want to do this. I don't want a job where people go out of their way to be mean and score points and put you down during the interview process.
Not to mention I have no teaching for next year. Budget cuts. Which also means the labor market for my field, already crappy, will be absolute shit for years to come.
I think it's time to turn over a newish leaf...I just keep thinking about what makes a good life. Family, for me, is part of that. I don't want to rush and hustle and stress and wake up at 60 realizing I missed the point.
