Why even try?

So, this week has been rough. My sitter has been out because she just lost a pregnancy (I know, right?). My man has been working 10-hour days, every day (except Saturday--that's merely 8 hours). It's been hotter than hell. I'm feeling very ill and now emotionally drained and stretched. This makes my little guy crankier than usual, too.

And now, right when I need some support, or at least neutrality, my guy feels all blue and grumpy. I understand: it's his potential child on the line, too. But damn it! He's not nauseous. He's not exhausted. He doesn't spend all night comforting a toddler and going pee. He doesn't have to endure the pain of jaws clamping on very sore nipples a dozen times a day.

I'm so frustrated. All the things I'd like to do--go for a hike in the woods, enjoy a beer, know whether I'm about to miscarry--are currently off the table. And I'm alone in my suffering, because he's in his funk. This really fucking sucks.

I wish I'd never gotten pregnant (I know, that's annoying to some of you. I'm genuinely sorry). Everything was fine before.

It Ain't Over Til It's Over

Yes, this song was on the Muzack at the midwife's office while they did my ultrasound. We've got a gestational sac, measuring around 6 weeks. It's possible we conceived very late, but also likely we're looking at a blighted ovum. Rescan in two weeks.

Sigh. Same old, same old. Maybe things will work out. Probably not.

No relaxing here

Here's what I did this cycle:

1. Didn't relax. Dude, I have a toddler. I don't relax anymore.

2. Drank. Beer and gin and tonics, mostly. (see above)

3. Freaked out about miscarrying in a quiet, low-grade way, when not attending to work or toddler. There goes the "just stop thinking about it and it will happen."

4. Barely took my thyroid medicine. There goes the "just get below a TSH of 2" theory, at least in my particular case.

What this means, really: fertility or infertility is out of our control. It has nothing to do with our merits or actions (beyond certain concrete acts, that is). It usually does what we don't really want. It has little to do with our attitude.

In short, it's not you, sweetie.

He laughs at plans

My guy took over from me this morning, around 5 AM. The little dude was so insane, manically nursing, that I almost lost my mind.

He then went out and bought some pee sticks. He also made coffee and oatmeal and did some laundry.

The results? Positive. Again. Instantly, darkly, indisputably. No mind fuck, at least for now.

So, again, I'm floored. Three years, 5K (a lot for our bohemian earnings, baby. Now, twice in a row, on our own.

Still scared, but less so.

WTF, II

Okay, this month? My cycle is over 40 days so far. And I'm woozy, exhausted, tender in the boobs, etc.

All that's not really that interesting. What I've been finding interesting is the feelings I've been having. They're all over the map, but run something like this. Oh shit. I don't want to do this crazy infant crap again. I can't do it! I just got my life back.

But what if?

No. That's fucking impossible. THREE YEARS, and then twice in a row? Fuck you, little what if.

I'm afraid to take a test. Not like I was for years, knowing in my soul it most likely will not be positive. I'm afraid of a positive--one that will lead to a baby, one that once again won't. How teh hell will I deal with a three-year-old, a newborn, and an increasingly interesting/demanding job?

I'm afraid of a negative, because then, really, wtf, body? This would be the longest cycle on record for me, Little Ms. Regular. It's a bit scary. I keep thinking of this, for some reason.

I guess I'm just afraid. I'm giving myself until Monday not to think about it. Then I'll test. Crazy.