I've been spoiled. I have been able to work from home for the last two months, thanks to Bruiser's temperament and a very cool writing job.
But now, I have to teach the class I agreed to. It's a class I designed, which is cool, but it's also going to take me away from Bruiser.
I find it really painful. Whenever I'm away from him, he's always there, on my mind, perhaps far in the background, but always present. It's like the worst middle-school obsession you've ever heard of. And he misses me when I'm away. I love when I come back and he's happy to see me, but I wish he didn't get so upset without me there. It would make it easier to be apart.
I find the stress, even in my relatively low-stress circumstance, hard to bear. I feel torn in two.
Yesterday I gave a colloquium talk presenting my dissertation research, sort of. It was so hard to stay sharp and focused for an hour and a half of serious lecturing and serious grilling. It was helpful, but I suddenly found myself thinking, I don't want to do this. I don't want a job where people go out of their way to be mean and score points and put you down during the interview process.
Not to mention I have no teaching for next year. Budget cuts. Which also means the labor market for my field, already crappy, will be absolute shit for years to come.
I think it's time to turn over a newish leaf...I just keep thinking about what makes a good life. Family, for me, is part of that. I don't want to rush and hustle and stress and wake up at 60 realizing I missed the point.
4 comments:
I do still hope that academia is not all about stress and competition and belitteling your colleagues. I really love your last paragraph, and I'm sure with that in mind you'll make the right decision.
Oh, I so SO hear you on this! It's unbelievably hard to find the right balance of family and work, particularly if you insist on finding work you love and can believe in. I've found the right job for me and so has the Mister, but my job is low-paying as law jobs go, and his job is dependent on clients (which means that some months are better than others). For a couple of over-educated over-achievers, we'll always be struggling financially. On the other hand, our jobs give us some level of flexibility and more time with Squeaker, which is really worth it (or so I keep reminding myself during those months where the bills are worse than usual ...)
Whatever you decide to do, just keep following your gut. You'll know the right fit when you find it.
If I could be a SAHM, at least for the first few years, I so would. Ten years ago I never would have thought I would feel this way but life changes a person.
Would it be feasible for you to take a year or two off? I can't see that hurting you jobs-wise - I mean, two years of experience always look better than not, but you have a WAY better explanation than "I've been applying for two straight years and no one will hire me" (the situation of quite a few friends of mine), and if you re-emerge into a good labor market, then...?
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