The Thin Blue Line

Am I about to become an urban myth? The proof that all those "just relaxers" are annoyingly right?

Yeah, I got a bfp yesterday. My first positive hpt ever. It was like getting hit by a bus-sized wall of absurdity.

Of course, the line was faint. Sure, I do drink lots of water and it was late afternoon. But still: it was there. Even my man, who had to read the instructions to know that I had gotten a positive, saw it before he knew what it meant.

The funny thing is I could be happy either way now. This is definitely not the same, in any way, shape, or form, as the first torturous years. It's different for every gal, but primary and secondary IF are different beasts.

If I lose this pregnancy, so be it. If we have a kid, so be it. I'm not blase, just willing to accept the future, which will not be doomed to dismal despair, the way it felt it would have been had we never had Bruiser.

Who's doing really well, by the way. He's hilarious.

The sad thing is a few months before my period returned in March (the wonders of breastfeeding, friends), I finally felt like I had my life back. I had found a way not to go crazy, to get enough sleep and exercise, to work at a job I increasingly like, to care for and enjoy the company of my little dude. I'd lost all sort of crazy weight. I felt different than I had before, but like a human being. I had dreams and schemes and wacky plans brewing again.

Now, what?