I've been experiencing waves of anxiety off and on for the past week or so. Part of it comes from exhaustion mixed with a sudden lack of things that absolutely have to get done now. Part of it is just part of me: I grew up with two anxious parents who sparkled with nervous energy at times. And part of it, I swear, is biological.
I feel like my anxiety is flowing from a special, newly awakened organ or gland, something that ensures I consider all the wretched, horrible options. I've noticed I'm more easily threatened or startled, more easily shaken by an extremely remote possibility. I'm not worried about what might happen to me per se, but what might happen to Bruiser inside me or outside me, to my husband, my parents, my neighbors, school girls in Pakistan, etc. Seriously, I'm reaching a whole new worry dimension.
Is this some kind of Braxton-Hicks contraction of the maternal mind? An involuntary movement preparing me for when the real worrying fun starts?
14 comments:
Shinejil, this post rules. The metaphor is absolutely perfect.
I may have shared this with you before, but there's a quote in "Birthing from Within" that says: "Worry is the work of pregnancy."
For some reason, I find that hugely reassuring when I'm having random waves of anxiety that come, seemingly, out of nowhere.
I don't know what it is, but after the day I have had today, I know I have it too.
Before I got pregnant, I was experiencing exactly what you describe in this post. I don't want to call it daydreaming because that has such a positive connotation for me. But as I was driving to or from work, or in the shower, my mind would wander and I would inevitably start thinking about how it would feel if I lost my husband or my parents or my best friend. I would imagine myself at the funeral and would actually break down in tears and then have to talk myself out of the mood because nothing was actually wrong!
I spoke with our counselor about it and she said this is a form of nesting (I guess I was preparing for preparing for a baby since we weren't yet pregnant). But I guess it makes sense. You want the world to be a perfect place for your child.
Hope things seem more calm soon. Hugs to you.
Love it! yes, it's definitely a new organ flexing its mommy muscles.
I tried to look at my new-found ability to see danger around every corner as part of becoming a super hero with heightened powers:
you can smell like a bloodhound and know when the milk is 30 minutes past its expiration date;
you can see invisible forces coming at you and fend them off like Wonder Woman;
you can go from complete lethargy to kicking the shit out of an attack dog in 3 seconds;
you can paint a house and rearrange the furniture in one day because you have to -- you're nesting;
and you will weep rivers every time you see some poster child donation collection can at the check-out.
super powers. that's what they are. and now you've got them.
I think something about pregnancy awakens some global caring hormone that makes you weep over newspaper articles, tv commercials and things like that. At least I've been weeping every time I see an act of human kindness or read about somebody's baby being hurt in a war. My most recent solution has been to only read good news and to never listen to anything but "Wait, Wait Don't tell me" on NPR.
now that the doctor has stopped my periods for three months, could he please stop my brain from worrying?
i'm a genetic worrier. i can't help it. my mother and her sisters are always imagining the worst case scenario with EVERYTHING. just another thing that i wish that i didn't inherit!
I totally have it too. I hate being anxious ALL the time. And we wondered why I was such a pot smoker back in the day.
i'm with you. even my dreams are plagued with worry. i have to talk myself down each of the 20 times i wake up to pee during the night and then have to get back to sleep. i'm with you.
Being pregnant makes you look at everything from a much different perspective and all the what ifs become so much scarier. {{{Hugs}}}
i am soo in the same place! I am so worried and anxious, it is the hormones! trust me! I have to keep telling myself that to avoid the panic attacks. hang in there, once the hormone levels are adjusted I hope the worries lessen for you!
This is a great post. I'm a worrier too, by nature, descended from a long line of worriers, but I had no idea what I was in store for when I got pregnant.
Yes, it's good preparation for parenthood.
Yes, this worry gland will continue to pump out anxiety robustly (at least in my experience) and for as long as you are entirely responsible for the life of another. The gravatiy of that responsibility hit me like a mack-truck after my ds was born. I've settled into it now, and though that worry is always there, it's more like a constant tremble under the ground vs. waves of undulating earthquakes.
Eve (infertilityrocks)
Belatedly - thanks for your comment. I should clarify: I mean to delete blogs I'm NOT INTERESTED IN READING, not ones I would be interested in reading more of than they post! That would just be counterproductive. But you still need to post more - even if you think you don't have any thoughts worth posting, I'm sure you do. The internet needs more of you!
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