I've said many times that I would be happy with one kid. I'm an only child, and though I know lots of folks with siblings feel sorry for us, I had a happy childhood and have rarely felt lonely in my life. There are also financial advantages, I feel: We're not the highest earners, and I'm committed to helping pay for college. The entire bill, if necessary. I don't want my kid saddled with debt and having to take a career path just for the money.
But my husband has a vision of a big family. Way, way bigger than anything I'd be able to handle (because, let's be honest here, even the most dedicated men still leave a lot of the household and child rearing tasks to their women).
There is no way in hell I'm going through more treatment. No way. When I hear about folks who successfully conceived through IF treatment going back for another round, I'm filled with a mix of bafflement (why the hell would you put yourself through that again?) and awe (what amazing dedication, hope, love, etc to go through that again!).
And beyond the emotions, we can only afford IUI. Just barely. We only got treatment the first time around with a lot of extra work, extra jobs, extra frugality. IVF is totally out of the picture, unless we decided to sell all our possessions, including our house.
Another strike against IUI: I don't want twins, I have a good chance of ending up with twins, and I am afraid my body couldn't take it. Just look what it did to poor little Bruiser: it nearly starved him to death. What would it do to two poor tykes? I shiver at the thought of hurting any more babies with my womb of doom.
So what's left? The lovely option of adoption, one my guy is increasingly open to. And the Hail Mary baby. My man's family is convinced this is in our future, thanks to an urban legend of an acquaintance. Yes, you guessed it: Several rounds of IVF before they had their daughter and then, boom, 18 months later, she's pregnant the old-fashioned way and due in a few weeks.
This possibility is maddening. Like the first stage of IF, you are bedeviled by what-ifs: What if I have another ectopic? What if this happens when I'm still overweight or still breastfeeding or still not ready? What if this happens when we can least afford it? What if it never happens, and I feel bereft? What are my actual stats in this gamble? The studies I've seen point to around 30% and under for women with successful IVFs but what about IUIs? I got pregnant both rounds, so what should I expect?
Clearly, the unexpected. Great.
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I guess it doesn't end until your family is "complete." And I don't even like THAT idea. I'd like to think our hearts stay open. A cousin of mine joined our family when we were all teenagers, and it was a great thing all around. I like the idea of fluid family boundaries.
Though, yeah, the constant what-if calculus is maddening and exhausting!
I plan on going through another round of IVF in the fall. Why? Because I want K to have a sibling. Will it work? Who knows, it isn't up to me. If it doesn't work, then we try something else. But I am not ready to be done with my family building yet. I am not sure how another child will come to us, but I am not ready to quit until it does - through ART or adoption.
Yeah, I'm fairly sure our family is complete after these two are born (H is POSITIVE we're done), but to be honest, if we hadn't dealt with infertility, I may have pushed H to have more. As it stands, as much as I hate to admit it, these twins ended up being an ideal way for us to build our family. I always wanted 3-4 kids, but being jaded and dealing with infertility convinced me that I really only wanted one. And I know that, like you, I cannot imagine doing another cycle-- I'm SO done.
So ending up pregnant with two gave us the ability to have more than one child without the torture of more than one IVF cycle, not to mention the avoidance of age-related concerns that H had about having a second pregnancy.
Not that I'm trying to sell twins or anything. And not that I was thrilled when I first found out that both embryos stuck. But that after a lot of thinking, this somehow ended up being exactly the way I wanted our family to be completed (again, not that I wanted twins, but I always wished I could have more than one, and to do so before I was 35 and H was any older than he already is...). Not how I ever imagined it would, but how it somehow needed to be, I think.
I'm not sure there are ANY answers at ALL for ANY of us. (This is me trying to be reassuring!) I think the adventure only makes sense after you've read the last page, and for all of us, God willing, that will be many years from now. I think it would be awesome if I could just turn my brain off and let it all wash over me instead of trying to participate. At any rate - you guys will make the most responsible and loving choice for your family. Even (especially?) if it's not an easy one.
I understand exactly what you mean. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. As an only myself, I know that Sweetpea will be fine if our family doesn't grow beyond this. I've always wanted at least two kids, though. *sigh*
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