You know, we have no choice.
We may have a few options that we can weigh and compare and contrast, but if they are all not what we need or want or what we hoped for, where's the choice?
I'm thinking of this headline. I actually really like the writer's perspective, and it's one people should think more about. But the header, likely not chosen by the author, sucks. "His Sperm, My Choice."
Of course, to become a mother using newer approaches, is a choice of sorts. But only "of sorts:" we of the dreaded IF sisterhood know that "choices" are often not what they appear. A longing, desperate and visceral and life-skewing, to bear or raise children cannot simply be described using the same word advertisers constantly throw around. I'm not picking a checking account; I'm trying to deal with the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
Once the line of birth/adoption/parenting is crossed, there is still little choice in the matter. Bio-kid or not, you have no idea who you've ended up with. They will do what they will do; all you can do is protect them and help them channel their energies, positive, negative, or indifferent. They will sleep how they sleep, eat when they are hungry, do what their drive to develop demands--not what we or social norms or Dr. Advice want.
In some ways, I feel this whole process would be easier if there wasn't this delusion of choice floating around out there. I don't have a choice about most of the ways I spend my days anymore. I have someone to take care of, a marriage to maintain, a job to keep. It's such a huge, unspoken difference.
3 comments:
Yeah, H sometimes says things like, "Sometimes, I don't know if I can handle this..." which pisses me off to no end. Because the implication there is that, un light of the fact that there really is no choice, he means that, mysteriously, somehow I just CHOOSE to "handle it". It's hard, and you're right. Choice does not exist in my world.
Very good point, Kate. My guy will often do something in the same spirit. He'll say something to the effect that "This really needs to be vacuumed." It infuriates me: You either ask me directly to do it, or do it yourself. Don't imply that I should be doing it but am not!
Interesting, persuasive post! I tend to think the desire to parent is sort of like sexual orientation. It's not chosen; it's just there! And at this point, I can only imagine the whirlwind of actually parenting. Constantly making choices, but not under chosen conditions.
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