I realized this weekend that I do have a choice.
I can choose to go back to work full-time, outside the home. I've been working 20-30 hours a week from home (while watching a near-toddler; yes, I am insane). I've been miserable. I need a life of work and adult interaction. I'm lonely, bored, yet stressed constantly about my poor performance and my neglected mind is an unending torture.
And now that Bruiser is almost one, I feel I can make this choice with less detriment to my desire to parent a certain way. (ZERO criticism of people who have or require different approaches implied here; we make our own calls.) There are also WAAAAY more options in Hippy College Town for toddlers as opposed to teensy weensy infants, and you get far more bang for your buck in terms of quality.
This is also perfect timing: my hubby is learning a skilled trade related to his love of and talent for music, and it requires a lot of time and effort (on top of his 50-hour work weeks). So if I found a job with benefits, we could possibly both have what we need to thrive. And Bruiser could hang with his papa most days.
Instead of his insane and blue mama.
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5 comments:
I've been thinking about you. And reading, just not commenting. I think this is one of the toughest decisions in parenthood. Stay at home mommyness is harder than it sounds. Most days I feel that it is worth it, but I know there are days that I am a crazy person because of it. I wish you luck on finding a good solution for your family.
That could be great for all of you. Good luck!
If you're feeling the itch, then it is time.
You really are a better parent when you feel fulfilled doing whatever it is that sustains YOU as an intelligent, creative adult. You do need that outlet. You are right to want to reconnect with that side of you.
One consolation. You as the parent will always hold sway. Having your child be exposed to other "parenting" techniques and styles through daycare will not necessarily brainwash them into being a mirror image of said caretaker. I had some doozies in my day as a child and I always understood their way was not always the best way.
My kids have been exposed to some losers, too, I'm afraid, and the kids will let you know it. You will find the right solution eventually! It's good you have lots of options. 1 year is a great time for him to live outside the box!
Everyone having what they need to thrive: now THAT sounds like a good idea. Send me some of your PhD learnin' over this way - I think I need it to right my own life :).
I think you should post more. Not exhaustingly, blogging-is-my-full-time-job more, but some more. Despite my ranting about mommy blogs (and you are no conventional mommy blogger, of course), I would read. Swears!
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