What a strange world it is... (Well column from NYT)

I don't even know quite why I bother reading the comments on postings like this one. I think the New York Times' Health columnist Tara Parker-Pope is great: good writer, very fair analyst, clearly nice gal.

But some of the folks who chimed in... Donnerwetter, they were on the daft side. The old social Darwinist approach of reproduction of the fittest (read: the writer, plus other "young," "healthy" people). I wish I knew what to do to be healthy: I'd do it in a heartbeat. I wish my doctors could say what was up. They can't and that's the most depressing thing of all, for me.

Or then there was the old classic, "get over it and adopt." Sure, I'd love to adopt. I've always dreamed of adopting and have actually fantasized about it more than getting pregnant myself for whatever reason. My husband doesn't want to, however, at least not now, though he admires and respects families who do immensely (his mom is in social work and knows all the ins and outs of domestic adoption). So what do I do? Browbeat him into adopting? What a wonderful way to raise a child, with a parent who doesn't really want her/him! And anyway, where are we going to get the tens of thousands of Benjamins to "just get over it and adopt," which only one of us is truly keen on? How's about you, Ms. Helpful Advice, lend it to me and use your dastardly wit to convince my dude? Or why don't you campaign to get additional tax or other incentives for adoptive parents with incomes below the U.S. median?

But more interestingly, about diet, food being one of my favorite subjects. I personally have seen some benefits from the Traditional Chinese Medicine approach to dietary changes appropriate to my condition. At first, I had to avoid warming foods and drinks like coffee, booze, hot spicy curry, etc. I ate a lot of cooling, raw veggies and juices, and man, did they ever taste good. With my other treatments, it did have an impact. I began to have beautiful, spot-free, picture-book cycles for a while.

However, now I'm not seeing as much change. Now that my liver stagnation and heat have cleared, leaving behind a sadly depleted spleen, I'm supposed to be eating foods more warming in nature, as well as things like rice and sweet potatoes and squash and walnuts. All tasty stuff I love to eat anyway (I can't stand fast food, don't like fried shit, and never eat meat). But things seem to be stalling. Sigh. Whatever.

The recommendations attributed to the Harvard book seem pretty silly. I mean, when you have a medical condition, the diet they're advocating is indeed very good for you. At the very least, it will improve your digestion, energy levels, and sense of balance--or at least a whole-foods diet has done that for me. Thanks for the common sense. I wish I could make major press by stating the obvious.

So Harvard smarties, what else you got for me? Or for all the other gals out there with issues not related to ovulatory problems? Or all the guys, who even if they have super SAs, would love to try to boost their fertility, too, if only to keep their gals company?

F**K it

Ah, yes. Eventually we all reach that lovely spot, Fukitallsville, where everything is blissfully irrelevant and no longer worth our energy. I just found out last night, thanks to a message on our machine, that I had an abnormal pap. Not the lowest, gee-what-is-that-there? level, but not in the precancer danger zone. But I still have to get a colposcopy to see what's up. I'm scared. I'm afraid my doctor will want to take the electric loop to me and will fuck up my cervix, adding yet another obstacle--this time a permanent, inescapable one--to my future fertility.

So I spent the night dreaming odd dreams of doctor's offices, great green hills with secret paths, and such, and of course consulting Dr. Google about my chances for being maimed.

The deed is done!

After a bit more spotting and a very depressing Friday meltdown, my guy and I decided it was time to take a big step and call up the local specialist. We've got an RE appointment Jan. 2, and I'm actually excited and relieved, eager to know what someone who deals with this problem all the time will see in the strange data I've gathered over the last year or so.

It's a big step for me and my guy. I've been resisting actively the "industrial" approach to fertility treatment (for lack of a better word--not to say that it doesn't work for many women). To go see someone and seriously consider more intense pharmaceutical and medical options is a major move for me. Perhaps I'm coming out of denial, aware that I might indeed need more help than I want to think. But damn it, it has been over two years, and while my periods are improving, facts is facts.

Stupidly, a gal from a wonderful singing group I belong to (a totally awesome woman, but clearly never set foot near IF lalaland) was wondering who would be pregnant for this year's annual spring concert. All the non-mothers in the group flinched and vowed that it would not be them. I cringed, too, but for a different, probably more annoying reason--though you never know what women have gone through--and kept my mouth shut. I thought, "Yeah, right. Like it would be me." I'm laughing typing this, but it was really fucking irritating at the time. I think I'm going to have to gently find a way to alert my singing buddies to my plight, just to prevent them from saying stupid shit without thinking.