Lots of people comment on Bruiser's petit size--though he's grown from 5 lbs to 8 in a month. And it makes me and my husband furious. Small is equated with defective or sickly in American baby culture--though B is neither.
But his size has been a source of secret shame for us both. So much so that in a fit of anger my guy suggested keeping him safe at home until he catches up with his bulkier peers.
Of course we take him everywhere safe--no hospitals or mine shafts, natch--but the feeling of wanting the world to understand that your child isn't some weak little pipsqueak persists. He's a fighter who is beating the odds. Worse still is the crushing shame of being ashamed of the person you love so deeply.
Moral: if you want to marvel at someone's preemie, praise their perfection or charm, not their itty bitty-ness. Just like the "Do you have kids?" question, harmless comments hurt.
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I have a friend who had a little baby - not even preemie, just very delicate - and I remember her saying the same thing. She said she felt like telling people that her daughter was small because she had cancer. Dark but I bet it would work a treat to shut people up.
People are asses. It's one thing to be the target of their idiot comments, but I'm starting to see that it is entirely another when they are talking about the person you love more deeply than anyone else in the world. Hang in there -I'm wishing you a shield from all the asshattery.
So true. Too many people have no clue. Glad he's growing well and doing good.
Good advice. At 5'1" now, I've been small all my life and was never on the growth charts as a child. It hasn't held me back one bit in life and it won't hold Bruiser back either (and he will most likely surpass me before his 18th birthday!).
I'm so sorry, not that Bruiser is small, but that people make you feel bad about it and that you both feel shame about it.
Having boy-girl preemies, it definitely seems like smallness is less acceptable for boys than girls. She weighed more than he did at birth, which several people seemed bothered by (dude, it's 3 ounces, chill out). Now that he weighs a bit more than she does, and looking at them the discrepancy seems to be even bigger, people seem more comfortable that they are a dainty little girl and big strong boy.
When people have made a fuss about the babies being small, I point out that they are "minus 1 month" or "minus 2 weeks" going by due date. Adjusted age seems to shut them up.
Hooray for 8 pounds, Bruiser!
I never really thought of it like that. Humans are conditioned to find littler things cutter. I just assumed that comments about tininess would be endearing. I'm glad to know better.
I agree entirely.
Although the fusspot wasn't quite so tiny, I was incredibly self-conscious about her little 6 lb frame (6 and a half at birth, dropped below 6 by 2 weeks) - especially since all of my friends had seen me checking my blood sugar and obsessing about GD.
Lots of people make stupid comments, but I also think that people collectively forget what babies are supposed to look like. When I was pregnant I would either hear that I was "tiny" or "huge" and everyone seemed to want to either label the fusspot "so small" or "big for her age." Some type of selective amnesia brought on by sleep deprivation?
The good news is that he's almost past the size where anyone should dare to comment.
Since 3 months my little baby who was born with her ribs showing has been rocking the old-man beer-gut look. I hope your little guy gets there soon.
I am glad he keeps on being a fighter!
I don't see small babies as defective. I am surprised that people do.
But the again, maybe I am not that surprised after all. People can be ignorant.
I wonder whether people really know what they're saying when they say things like that. Because I know I've commented on a baby's size before, but I've never meant it in any way other than, "Wow, babies are [generally] tiny little things." I never intend for my comments to imply that the child is sick or defective, but only that as I have no child of my own, I don't have a lot of direct experience with humans being in their early years. You see toddlers running around-- you forget that at some point, they had to be sized appropriately to fit entirely inside someone else's body and ergonomically designed to come out of the small vaginal passage.
I can see how having your preemie situation with B might make you especially sensitive to comments on his size, but I'm really hoping that the insensitive comments you received came from a place more like mine (marveling at the fact that humans are ever such miniscule beings) rather than one of judgement on your ability to keep your child healthy. Of course, if these are friends who know that B was a preemie, that's something different altogether. But I'm sincerely hoping that if the comments come from strangers that they aren't intending to be judgmental pricks. And if they are comments from friends, perhaps a reminder that he's thriving very well, and that he is appropriate for his age and that those comments are not well received might be appropriate in the context of a friendship.
All the same, I am really sorry that you are getting these comments and that they are hurting your feelings. You are (I'm sure) a FANTASTIC mother to B-- the fact that he's gained three pounds in a month points to the fact that you are more than meeting his needs, and that he is growing very, very well. Go MOM! Woohoo!
I know this shame. Simone is nearly 10 months old and not even 15 lbs yet. She was born at 4 lbs 3.8 oz in January, and even 9 weeks after her birth I was getting dirty looks and whispers in stores when I ventured out with her for having such a tiny baby out in the cold. What are you supposed to do? Hole up forever?
Even now it cuts me a little bit when someone says, "Ooh! A new one!" She's over 9 months old, MTFers! I know they don't know, but ouch!
I admit, I say, Ooooh he/she is soo tiny! But I usually have a far away look in my eye and say it with the utmost awe. Babies are amazing, tiny or not (and I think smaller babies are cuter, shhh)
This post will make me think about it before I speak (whoa!). :)
Thank you for mentioning that. I, for a fact, know that I've commented on how little a friends peemie's and I truly never thought twice. Duh! Foot-in-mouth now.
I totally stand corrected and see your point. Again, thanks for the PSA :) :)
Very glad that Bruiser is at 8 lbs! Horray!
Huh. I bet I would comment on tininess as well, just because I tend to think the littler the baby is the cuter he/she is. (Or more that I just marvel at how tiny a human can be.) Never occurred to me that something like that would be upsetting. Good to know.
By the way, I was a tiny preemie and I'm 5'8" with linebacker shoulders and hips to match. My older sister--not preemie--is way smaller than me. So it really won't matter soon.
8 pounds is awesome!! Bruiser is da man!
Those comments hurt. And it's true, being a petite girl is way more accepted than a smaller boy.
My Sweet Pea has growth issues and barely reaches the charts. As long as she can eat and follow her little growth curve with one extra ounce or half-inch that's alright by me. But I often think how she will not get as much teasing or as many comments because she is a girl.
Bruiser (like Pea) will probably catch up with time and grow into giants. The smallest girl in my elementary-to-high school class is now taller than me. She sprouted in college.
One thing I notice is that all the shorter/smaller women/men I know, they are all tough, creative, inventive, confident do-ers. And that is not a bad thing. Think of all the tall people who spend their lives trying to hide!
I compltely understand your feeling(s) of angst when it comes to size.
I am a Type I Diabetic, I have been my entire life. When I got pregnant with my son, everyone told me how HUGE Diabetic babies were. All of these comments sent me into a tiz.
He was born 8 weeks early and spent time in the NICU. He was 6 pounds and the "fattest baby in the NICU". I remember hearing that comment from a nurse and thinking that I was going to tackle her and beat her up. Just because he was 6 pounds, he was still an incredibly sick baby and I felt like his health needed to be addressed...not his size.
I also went through the same ordeal with my daughter 8 months ago. Although this time, she was born at 34 and had two extra weeks in the womb. However, she also spent time in the NICU, on a vent and had to had a blood transfusion.
All in all, you have a healthy baby boy. That's all that matters.
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