I know I'll get my wish soon, but I think this was one of the suckier holiday seasons. Not for what I'd imagine would be the usual holiday-wrecking reasons: family members acting inconsiderately or inappropriately, reminders of childlessness, etc. No, we've just been blessed by a spate of bad news. There was the pre-holiday cervical kickoff, and now tragedy has struck...
We got home from my parents' place on my birthday, only to find out that a close friend had died suddenly and tragically under terrible circumstances. My guy was especially close to this person, but he managed to keep it together enough to go out as planned with our family for a celebratory dinner.
Yesterday, after all the hubbub was over, we went out to a remote unit of a nearby national forest. It was so quiet and peaceful, and we hiked for several hours through the woods. We talked about our friend, how he died. We talked about our parents, the upcoming new leg of our IF journey. We talked about everything so calmly and lovingly that it seemed clear we were going to get through this somehow.
I actually had a minor revelation while we were away at my folks' house. I realized I could be completely fulfilled without a child. My man isn't on the same wavelength, and whenever I mention this aspect of my feelings, he's put off. He's afraid that means I'll "give up," though I don't know what that means. I'm happy to try IF treatment, though I'm dreading its effects on my body (hormonal medications and I don't get along well). But if it fails, somewhere deep inside me is a reserve of other interests and passions sufficient to get me to a different place in life.
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