Um, clearly, children mentioned (the imaginary kind, that is)
At the kind suggestion of The Misfit, I've decided to share something that will likely expose me for what I truly am: one of those.
I'll explain. For about a year in my life, I was deeply committed to a yoga practice. I would do 30-60 minutes of practice a day, including 15 minutes or so of meditation and breathing exercises. This came during a very confused and confusing part of my late 20s, when I was still attempting to put my life together after divorce, unraveling in a very strange and complicated love affair, and drinking more than I should (but less than I had the year previous).
One day, during my meditation, I saw something, all in a flash, unwilled: I saw what I thought was a young boy, about three years old, with blondish, shoulder-length hair. He had dark eyes, and looked somewhat petulant but basically happy. He stood in front of a dark green row of bushes and trees, the kind of treeline you have at the back of some yards or some fields. I felt this was my future child.
Oddly enough, when I saw baby pictures of my guy, he looked a hell of a lot like this kid in my yoga-induced mental image.
Other than my hippy delusions, I haven't had really distinct images what what I hoped my child/ren would be like. I hope s/he loves nature like I do, and is curious. I hope s/he learns to do something that gives them joy and maybe even helps them earn a living. If everything goes well and genetics have their say, chances are this kid will have lots of energy, like to move, like to talk, and enjoy being right (characteristics my guy and I share).
My ideal is a bit odd: I'd like to be surprised by the unexpected, happy path this person forges for him/herself (damn, English pronouns are so fucking irritating when you're trying to be non-gender-specific!). I'd like to wake up twenty or thirty years from now, marveling at how the heck this person figured out such a wacky, beautiful way to get from Point A to the Point B they hoped for.
I'm going to reiterate Misfit's questions: Do you have a theorectical child? An ideal you wish and long for?
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8 comments:
Thanks for playing - your theoretical child sounds fascinating! (You also have an interesting position in the game, as one who might possibly birth her theoretical child in not too long.) I don't suppose you can find a picture...?
That's funny, "theoretical children" is what my husband has called eggs and embryos during treatments.
He and I are so different-looking, and both so distinctive in our own ways, that I really can't imagine how a combination of our genes will turn out.
But I do imagine certain scenarios, little girl hairstyles, outfits... I can imagine reading specific books with them, or traveling to specific places, etc. But the actual faces in my imagination are totally vague.
I love this post, Shinejil. I haven't had a vision of our child, but on the day I conceived this baby, I was driving home from my sister's place a few hours away. As I drove, I was calling out to our child, a girl, and telling her about the world I hoped she would be entering soon. About music and the birds migrating, and the huge prairie sky. About how people could be sort of awful to each other, how they screw up despite their best intentions, how I screw up. But also how people could be amazing and transformed by love and funny and creative and clever. And I told her that I would show her these things and protect her and love her with my whole self. I had never done this before with any of our previous IUIs, and there is some tiny part of me that takes credit for getting pregnant that cycle because I just laid it all out for the universe as I sped along the highway, listening to songs that make my heart swell and tears flow.
All this to say that I guess I, too, am one of those. And also that I am, in as neutral a way as possible, hoping for a girl who is kind of like me. I do sort of wish for her to look like me physically, since I don't resemble anyone in my immediate family and I've always wished for that kind of connection. But mostly I hope for a child who shares at least some of my love of big ideas, of dreaming and wondering, of figuring things out and going deeply into things.
On the other hand, as much as I wish for a child who has a lot in common with me, I am at the same time excited to discover who this person is and will become. There is so much mystery in life - from the very beginning of conception, through the physical processes of pregnancy and birth, and in the unfolding of each of us, shaped by the myriad elements and experiences that make us who we become.
I have yet to visualize my future children. The actual though of having a real child is so foreign to me. We have been trying for nearly 7 years now and things get harder to picture with each year.
It will be interesting to see if Bruiser is the child you saw!
i've seen my "theoretical child" in dreams and in "visions" as well. i didn't see her face (yes her, i've always felt that my first child is going to be a girl, my husband agrees) until after my lap which i take as a positive sign.
she has wavy hair (mr. jb has naturally curly hair) and looks a lot like me when i was a child. i figure being asian and my husband being of european descent that my genes will win out. i imagine her having a pretty fiesty personality -- i had a dream about her and she was running ahead of me in a park and i kept on telling her to slow down.
i was pretty pessimistic before my surgery, so i take the dreams that i've had since my surgery as a sign from the universe that we are going to meet one day.
Hmmmmm...I'm not sure what my 'theoretical' child is. I guess I already have him with my son. I always said I wanted a child with my hubby's green eyes and my artistic sensibilities. Well, he's only 2, but he's left-handed (so that's a good start). I guess now I'm waiting for God to surprise me with what He has in store next.
Eve
you've been tagged!
Thanks for sharing this! I wish that my child will share my love and respect for the natural world. I hope they will enjoy using their imagination and won't be afraid to dream big. I hope they will be as eager to learn from me, as I am to learn from them.
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