I'm fascinated: We Americans (and Canadians? My friends from the North, please chime in) are extremely worried about dependence.
I mean, what other concern would propel us to put even our tiniest citizens into a separate room where they are expected to learn to deal with life's crap (or self-soothe or whatever) on their own at a very tender age? Separateness and independence are just fine, and as an American I have been raised to love and crave them. Yet they run against the primal urges of babies and mothers: When we slept in caves or rough shelters for tens of thousands or years, baby's place was squarely in mom's arms, at her breast, or curled up on her chest (my personal favorite Bruiser resting spot).
Yet that is the past. Things that smell of extended dependence--breastfeeding past 12 months, say, or bed sharing into toddlerhood--are seen as hippy quirks with questionable motivations at best and pathological or deadly tendencies at worst. Now, since WWII I'd argue, we feel we must maintain a certain distance from our young. And I have felt the irritation at having someone totally dependent on me, hanging off me, unable to deal even with a moment alone.
I have these feelings, though my final mothering decisions have led me a bit away from the mainstream approach. Story of my life.
My question, for myself and society at large, is what are we afraid of? And what are the effects of this fear in the long run?
Our cherished independence, our confidence in ourselves as free agents and liberated actors is the one of the first things to go as we struggle with IF, and this loss is one of the hardest things to face. Then, when/if we become parents (and regardless how), we once again must let go of this dear value.
6 comments:
I guess, for me (before I have first hand experience, anyway) a lot of it has to do with the realities of our society. If I lived in a cave and didn't have to worry about things like work or errands or whatever, then I'd probably have an easier time with the idea of things like co-sleeping and extended bf'ing (for me - I have no problem with them for anybody else, fwiw).
As it is, when my 12 weeks is up, I'll have to go back to work, and the realities of my work day are not really compatible with things like that. (Nor is my desire to share experiences with my spouse - at least in re: the feeding part.) Which doesn't make it better or right, but means that a lot of parents do what they need to do to get by.
(As for the sleeping part, for me, a huge part of it is how I'm comfortable sleeping, and as a general rule, that's not with other anythings in the bed - it's taken me 5 years to get used to my wife sleeping in the bed, and some nights it still doesn't work so well. As for whether this is because I was also raised to sleep on my own, who knows. Many people I know who were raised that way crave the closeness of their SO's and their children - in bed - where I don't.)
This is a really great question, though - fascinating.
Ironically, I think if you are going to create strong, independent, brave creatures you have to cuddle, snuggle, hold, caress and drown them with unconditional love. They need that solid foundation of your love and protection in order to be strong and free later.
Of course people don't seem to recall these are INFANTS, not little people needing to be trained. My god, who dreamed up that BS? You can NEVER give an infant too much love or spoiling.
Things start getting tricky around 2. You have to help them develop achievable skills so they can feel good about themselves, but cuddles and cosleeping may not be that evil (oh, and nursing, too... guilty!!).
As they get older, the love never stops, but it expands into letting them grow which means making them do things outside their comfort zone sometimes (like cleaning up their mess, washing their face, putting it in the garbage...) and against their will (time outs for hitting...)
But with an infant, you have no limits. Spoil that baby all day every day. you'll never have that same chance ever again.
How about the point-of-view of a Canadian living in America? :)
I've thought about this topic quite a bit. I am a very independent person, which can be a strength AND a weakness. It probably started since I was an only child, and my parents couldn't always be there to play games with me and such. I relied on myself at those times. I don't think that this is a bad thing, and I certainly don't have resentment towards my parents. These life experiences coloured me and my mindset.
Enter parenthood, and this little dependent being. Except that lately, as she approaches 5 months, she is slowly becoming less dependent. We've been lucky in that she's a good sleeper so far, and she sleeps well in her crib at night. She seems to genuinely enjoy her activity center, looking up once in a while to make sure I can see her progress. I also believe that being in daycare for those 3 days leads to some early independence, since there are times where she would need to wait to have her needs met.
Above all, I hope I'm doing right by her and not making too many mistakes. I don't necessarily see her growing independence as a negative thing, as long as she knows that I'll be there when she needs me. Ironically, my fear would be her becoming independent before I'm ready!
I liked reading this post. I was raised by attachment parenting-parents (things like self-weaning) and my husband co-sleep with his parents or grandparents until he hit middle school (really, and he's just fine). However, in the past few weeks I've been struggling with the co-sleeping thing as I realized that my apartment and work were getting out of hand as I spent every evening repeatedly nursing my daughter back to sleep. Her crib is still in my room, and I still wake up with her in bed with me every morning, but for now the goal is 4 to 5 hours sleep alone in her crib in the evening. Which is just to say that things change, I never thought I'd want my baby to sleep in a crib or let her scream her head off, but even with all the support of our parenting choices there came a moment when I needed a break and to adjust my expectations of myself.
I have over-strong opinions on this topic because I've seen it done wrong. My baby sister was more or less attachment parented. I think if it were my kid I would want him or her sleeping alone (if not falling asleep alone) from infancy - same room fine, but not same bed. But that would be my preference. This was something else again. Among the interesting facets of her early upbringing (now she's 7) were the doctrine that telling her no or even using the words no or not (or contractions thereof) in sentences directed at her was repressive of her psyche and (interestingly) difficult for her to process mentally. Whereas I, her sister, was confident that she could process, "You may not hit." She was and is allowed to make all decisions - I mean, all of them. Where she sleeps. What she eats. Whether she eats. Whether she grinds her cheerios into the carpet. Whether she is dressed. How long she stays in the bath (hours). What her parents do (i.e., not their work, unless she wants them to). In a large group including all adults, what restaurant they eat at, and the city and county in which it is - regardless of whether the adults (including guests) have a preference. Not a joke. How long the people at the restaurant may eat - when she is done, everyone is done. Because of the sleeping dependence her parents fostered, she could not fall asleep except on another person at the age of three. At the age of four she wasn't potty-trained and they had to pull it off in the weeks before pre-K started (strikes me as way too close for comfort - what kid wants an accident in school?). She was the first child in our generation who learned to read at school (rather than at home first) because by four her behavior was so extremely bad that trying to teach her anything was too exhausting to bother with. Other adults are not allowed to enforce on her even discipline necessary for her safety (that's acquaintances - her teachers are restrained only by politically correct legal rules). She is infantilized. I was told when she was small (and manipulative - that runs in the family) that a book said she would not be capable of being manipulative for a further 18 months. Thus, we were going to work with the book, not the child. She's not restrained from abusing her brother, who is three years younger. When she was five, her rage, tantrums, and utter lack of discipline prompted my father to seek professional help. The psychiatrist (oh, yes, they did) was clever enough to recognize who was paying his bills. He diagnosed her with anxiety (you're not kidding) and bipolar disorder. She was put on risperdal. Risperdal (in the prescribed dose) has literally killed a child her age. It was never intended for dosing in children. You can look up the symptoms of so-called childhood bipolar disorder on line (she has most of them) - they bear a curious similarity to the inevitable symptoms of never having any discipline or boundaries, and needing them.
Anyway, of course, infants should be showered with unconditional love. I harbor no concerns that you'll parent your child irrationally. But there is a substantial movement out there (and maybe they are quasi-hippies) who would, frankly, experience too much cognitive dissonance if they had to discipline a child. It would make them unfun, and that's not how they see themselves. (My father and stepmother are textbook in this regard.) These people should not be allowed to raise children. My organically healthy, but miserable, brother and sister are a cautionary tale on this point to everyone who knows them. I think that's why attached parenting gets a bad rap - because some of its practitioners are loony.
I would posit that this tendancy has everything to do with control and, at least to some extent, fear. Because while mothers are encouraged to spend less time physically bonding with their infant, they are also discouraged from letting them play outside alone or walk to a neighbor friend's house. No baby, you can't sleep with me but I'm going to be a hellicopter mom every millisecond that you're awake. The whole thing is just not healthy.
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