Many women, at least those of the natural birth/hippy/granola persuasion, believe--or at least hope--that birth will be a major life changing, self affirming experience. Despite my misgivings, it actually was that for me. But that was pure accident, more or less.
Instead, I've been thinking lately that too much store is being set in the psychological or emotional transformation that that tiny, uncontrollable slice of time is supposed to bring. We can't really control the events that equal building a family, and perhaps we can't even control their meaning.
What comes next, the weeks, months and years of caring for a small human being, is the source of greater meaning. Notice I write "greater"--again, too much store is set in parenting as a way to deepen one's life purpose and open one's heart. If you don't have a clue why you're living or how to feel gut-wrenching, heart-melting compassion for others, then maybe you should reconsider your life, not just go get knocked up.
I have felt my life changing at certain moments in this journey, moments when my husband and I wept in despair together; moments when I felt like I couldn't go on and would actually, frankly welcome death; moments when I had a curious sense that it would all get worked out and end well. But in these moments, nothing happened, except in my inner world.
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I sometimes think we place way too much emphasis on the experience of pregnancy & birth, and kind of forget about preparing for what comes afterwards. Why do so many people go to prenatal classes, & so few to infant care & development classes??
It's kind of like the brides who go wild planning every last detail of their wedding, but don't really give the actual MARRIAGE much thought until they're well into it.
Of course, I suppose the case could be made that NOTHING can really prepare you for the experience of parenthood (or marriage, for that matter)... but it does seem that we have our priorities backwards sometimes.
There is so much wisdom in your words.
The yearning for death is something that shocked me after wanting the babies with all of my heart and devoting my life to creating then protecting them on their way into this world.
Their birth was not the affirmation of anything but our bravery and the benefits of Western medicine. I've wondered if I would have been better off if the birth had been more of a transition; it felt so abrupt to go from bedrest invalid to surgical patient to NICU mommy in a few hours.
If I'd had the natural birth that I always wanted and that the granolas would advocate, I'd probably be dead now. The futility of planning is affirmed, perhaps more than anything else for me.
In my life, I have had the contrast of my two unmarried, childless, but very fulfilled aunts and my irritable mother. Stand them next to each other and you would have seen two women very happy with their lives, and one who was always searching for something more. We may have given my mother purpose, but she is the type of person who will always be searching for the "real" meaning - and in doing so, has probably let it pass her by.
I feel so lucky to have seen that every path has its benefits and meaning is where you find it.
As to the transformation, well, I am not transformed. My priorities are certainly different, but I remain much the same. Maybe it's because I waited so long - I wanted to be the right kind of person before I had a child. When I was in my 20's and 30's, I would frequently tell people that I was too young to get married/have children. Because I was. When I was mature enough to handle the challenges of parenting, I sought it out. Had I started any sooner, I would not have been equipped for the journey.
You really do have a wonderful way with words.
I don't know that K's actual birth was lifechanging for me in that way. She has been, but her birth? I still don't know yet. It is all kind of fuzzy from the terror I felt and the huge amounts of drugs in my system and the speed things happened. In the end though, her actual birth doesn't matter. Having her here, safe and sound does.
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