...even postpartum. Seriously, never ask the internets about all the things you should worry about if you have a low birth weight baby. Apparently, studies show they are either doomed to be emotionally troubled janitors with poor hand-eye coordination, or they aren't different at all from their normal weight counterparts. Which makes for a curious mix of emotions.
Part of that mix is the eternal return to the throes of IF madness. The feeling of being defective, different in a bad way, unfit. The feeling that my "selfish" need to have a biochild (in my case, the darkest corners of my psyche argue, to satisfy my husband's burning desire for offspring) resulted in damage to another person, a small, helpless one at that. The feeling that some terrible, hidden flaw in my body (thrombophilia, perhaps inherited from my grandma?) could have killed my child, and may have permanently hurt him.
Lord help me.
But then comes the uplifting part, where the warrior emerges. In which you are determined to do whatever it takes to claw back normalcy and health and happiness for your child, by any means necessary.
Lately, that's meant nursing him 24/7 as he attempts to triple his weight by four months. Which goes to say that all of our paths are different, forming stories that belie the statistics. We defy odds every day with our eccentric beings. Take that, Dr. Google...
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Oh, that wily Dr. Google... I seriously have to quit googling even the simplest things regarding pregnancy because without fail, some horror story will pop up tangentially related to my search, and I'll spend the rest of the day worrying (like searching "15 weeks pregnant how big is baby" and getting back "15 wks pg, no heartbeat, baby stopped growing" that some poor person posted on a message board.)
Apparently, I have:
a heart condition
a urinary tract infection
horrid orthopedic problems
a fungal infection on my skin
All of which mean that my baby is going to DIE, DIE, DIE!!!!
So yeah. I'm just going to have to force myself off of google searches, lest I accidentally kill the babies. Sigh.
Take that stupid Dr. Google! You suck!
You and your little champ will defeat the evil Dr Google and his evil henchmen too. I just know it.
The messages I've gotten about having a too-large-measuring-within-a-huge-margin-of-error fetus have also been dire and mixed. Yes, please tell me that he'll be at greater risk of neonatal death AND a fantastic sleeper/eater. Because that makes sense. Argh.
I have a feeling that it's just fun to mess with mothers on all ends of the spectrum. Is your child thoroughly average in every way? You must not be challenging them intellectually! Is your child small but thriving? You probably missed some family disease from three generations back that will haunt you later! Is your child large for developmental age? They'll end up on Maury Povich for sure!
But back to you, our fearless warrior mama... you're doing great, and Dr. G can suck it. Tell him I said so.
Dr. G was good to me during infertility, but I never go to him on behalf of the kids. Well, ok, I did once to find out what "night terrors" were and what to do when they happened. And that was very accurate and informative. But the rest... Rely on IRL pediatrician.
I worry, too, about Pea, and her condition doesn't exist on the internet (except on my blog! exclusive!). So that keeps me from going psycho about it.
I totally get the feeling you feel at fault for his imperfect-ness.
I think I'll blog on it...
In the meantime. You rock on! Your child is going to surprise you and in very good ways. Keep giving him lots of love, touching, milk, and classical music*
*according to CNN and if you can't trust them!
Or maybe Bruiser is just small because he is and there is nothing wrong with him at all.
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