They are two sides of the same coin for me, anxiety and depression. Last night's childbirth class was all about c-sections and the reasons for them. It wasn't anything I hadn't heard before, but it still filled me with deep anxiety and fear.
I'm terrified of another pelvic surgery. I'm terrified that I'll wind up with even more cards stacked against me, fertility-wise. I cringe at the thought of being fairly incapacitated, right when I'm supposed to be getting used to one of the bigger changes in my life.
But the bigger terror behind is all is that more stuff will be done to me without a very good medical reason. Now, of course, there are many life-saving reasons why women get c-sections and some women have no choice: It's do or die.
But the stats are harrowing: births by c-section have exploded from 5% in 1975 to around 30% in the past few years, twice the rate recommended by the WHO. Your chances of having a c-section if you've undergone treatment for primary infertility? More than 70%! (according to a study I read from the early 2000s) What the hell? Though many IFers wind up being higher risk for various legit reasons, you can't tell me there's not some physician skittishness and fear of litigation driving that particular number.
I've been misdiagnosed and mistreated several times in my life, and the experience has left its scars. This deep fear comes welling up when I think about someone insisting I need major surgery without a very strong, evidence-based justification where the benefits truly outweigh the risks. I feel like, once again, my infertility has smooshed me, a round peg, into a square hole where I may not be able to get what I want. And that that experience will in turn lead to a cascade of consequences...
Anyway, I woke up right as my husband was leaving for work at the crack of dawn. And then I was alone. I started to feel blue.
It's an anxiety hangover. So I went out in our garden, which has gotten terribly overgrown with weeds this summer, and ripped the shit out of some of the beds. I gathered our somewhat pitiful harvest of beets and carrots and a tomato and some kale that managed to make it despite our benign, guilt-ridden neglect of our veggie friends.
The lesson for me in this: keep digging. Even in the biggest mess, maybe you'll still find the golden, fragrant carrot.
(For those of you who haven't grown carrots, when they are fresh from the ground, they have a whole other smell, something heady and almost perfume-like that fades after a bit.)
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15 comments:
I read similiar stats on IF'ers having c-sections as it relates to the additional shit we have to undergo: Not only do our bodies have trouble getting pregnant, after all the meds and manipulations, our bodies tend to not go into labor on its own either. Salt... wounds. Same ole shit, eh?
Glad you did some digging. Reminds me of Peter Gabriel.
I know what you mean, I was terrified of being encouraged/forced to have a C-section. I think that fear was what made me finally push that baby out of me!
I wasn't aware of those stats with regards to IF'ers. I really hope that isn't the case for you. I'm glad you found some peace in your garden at least.
i totally felt the same thing about c-sections too! what really helped me was a exercise we did in our class where we picked out cards with our ideal birth situation and then we were forced to slowly pick away at them and imagine that scenario until we were only left with one card "healthy baby" that made me realize it does not matter what I go through as long as the baby is ok! but it does totally suck that c section rates keep rising!!
anxiety and depression are such crippling problems (from one in the know). but you're right. just keep going (digging) and things will work out.
--babyincredible
when i was lying in my hospital bed last week i kept on thinking that i absolutely would not want a c-section when it's my time to birth my baby. the recovery and pain of my laparotomy has been hard enough to take. i couldn't imagine having to take care of the needs of another human being after being cut open -- again!
i totally understand the anxiety of misdiagnosis (or underdiagnosis in my case!). i'd like to believe that i'll be able to use a midwife and birth at home -- something that mr. jb is 10000% against, but i'm the yogini, natural remedy taking kinda girl while he believes that birth is a medical procedure.
i'm glad that your garden helped ease your worries. my mom came over and worked in my poor overgrown garden today and things are looking fabulous again. part of me wishes that i could've helped, but i actually quite enjoyed lying half comatose on the couch!
I agree that you should keep digging. It is so hard to trust in the journey, and that things will work out all right. The IF journey causes many of us to lose faith in our bodies and what they can do.
I also want a vaginal birth. But I am planning on skipping the childbirth classes. I think all they seem to do is freak people out and make them paranoid I may get a few books on childbirth which may likely make me paranoid anyway. It helps that I have an OB I think will work with me to have a vaginal birth.
Keep digging and I hope it gets better!
I had no idea the c-section rate for us was 70%.
I have never smelled a freshly picked carrot. One day, when I have enough space, maybe I will get you to come help me plant a vegetable garden. :)
I completely read this as "Anxiety and Weed" and thought somehow pot was involved...
Keep digging. You'll get there.
Sometimes it is a matter of finding the right provider. I was terrified of having a c-section for some of the same reasons you mention. Mainly trying to care for two helpless infants after major abdominal surgery. I expressed over and over to my OB that I really wanted to try everything possible to avoid a c-section. And most doctors these days push for c-sections with twins. Even with an induction and one baby turned breech, we managed to avoid the c-section. My OB was very supportive and sensitive to my concerns. They were really close to doing a c-section to get the second baby out, but I really think she tried a little harder because of how strongly I had voiced my concerns.
As long as you and the baby are stable and doing well and the baby is head down, there is no reason to expect a c-section. Make sure your provider is supportive of your wishes and hope for the best. I think that's really all you can do because the rest of it is out of your hands (like so much else in life).
"you can't tell me there's not some physician skittishness and fear of litigation driving that particular number."
I think you hit the nail on the head.
I am impressed that your garden is actually producing vegetables. My neglect is rather less benign and bespeaks something approaching sloth.
The thought of people performing unnecessary procedures on me gives me visions of sticking needles under their fingernails. However. If you are conscious, they cannot perform any procedure on you without your express consent. (If you're not conscious, there are still lots of rules. Don't worry.) As a social experiment, try some time telling somebody holding a clipboard as they prepare you for surgery, "I do not consent to this procedure." All the color drains out of their faces. It's pretty cool. I tried that in my second year of law school in panic - I was groggy and I was scheduled for three simultaneous emergency surgeries. Some idiot doctor said, "Now, we'll do the first one today and then when you're feeling better you can call and schedule..." and I said, "I will not consent to the surgeries unless they are all performed now." They were about to put me under and it was the only thing I could think of (as I was frantically going through my torts law in my head). Everyone in the room froze. The doctor thought about it and said, "You only want one recovery time, is that right?" I nodded (no, stupid, I want to be needlessly incapacitated for the rest of the semester), and he looked at his notes, and said, "Oh, yes, I see here we're doing all of them now." And it was OK (they did them all). I know it sounds weak, but unless you are actually delivering the child in a butcher shop, this is your magic bullet. Loudly and clearly state that you refuse consent (with witnesses is even better), and you will consider changing your mind if they can convince you that it is absolutely medically required.
Oh, yeah, this is not legal advice, if you need same please consult attorney licensed in your jurisdiction, blah, blah.
love the part about weeding and digging.
and I do hope you find a doula. it will be money very well spent, even if she has to travel a bit. good luck.
I am so so sorry about the anxiety clouding around you right now. I can't precisely relate to the cause, but I can relate to the condition. Feel better soon Keep digging in that garden. Sometimes it can really be mind-clearing to get a little more dirt under the nails.
Just catching up on my blog reading, so am weighing in on this slightly late and as someone who finished up having an emergency c-section (I will at some point get round to publishing my birth story on my blog).
Given that everything surrounding the conception of my daughter had become so intensely medicalised, I was adamant that I wanted her birth to be as non-interventionist as possible. As it turned out, however, I was one of those women for whom a c-section was the only option - the position she was in meant that she wasn't coming out any other way. As time has gone on, I've become increasingly philosophical about it - ultimately all that matters is that she arrived safely.
But I hope that you find a doula with whom you feel comfortable, and that you manage to get the birth you want. Thinking of you during these last few weeks of your pregnancy.
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