So I'll reduce the suckitude to bullet points:
- Jan: Buried our good friend who died tragically in bizarre accident, then buried our beloved little cat who died from mysterious illness;
- Feb: Car died, rode Clomid dragon;
- March: Surgery!
- April: Learned dad had cancer;
- May: Covered in dreadful, painful, scarring welts thanks to allergy;
- June: Lymph Node of Doom attacks, causes suffering, retreats;
- July: Cycle of Woe starts. Feel bizarre, but otherwise, a banner month, comparatively speaking;
- August: Ectopic terror;
- September: Shinejil goes anemic and/or insane, dh gets crazy anxiety attacks and requires sedation;
- October: Hey! Nothing that terrible happened. Well, one out of 12 ain't bad.
- November: Sprained ankle right when work required heavy lifting and right before big trip east;
- December: Stepped on rusty nail!
Oddly enough, I've been feeling very happy lately. Perhaps it's because my guy and I are going to start seriously looking for our farm. Perhaps it's because I've embraced this wacky little town as my home for life. Perhaps it's because my academic mojo is returning and I feel excited about writing and researching and teaching for the first time in months. Perhaps because no matter what, my relationship with my man has only deepened this past year, and my ability to find and appreciate joy has expanded. Perhaps it was the realization that all of this is truly outside my control, that I'm doing all I can and if that in the end winds up being insufficient, there's absolutely nothing I can do.
This is liberating. I used to think IF was my fault, and that if in some deep place I could untie the Gordian knot, I'd be free and fertile. I'm grateful I don't feel that way anymore.
Here's to a wonderful 2009!
12 comments:
I'm making the rounds tonight, coming out of my family-induced absence from the blogosphere, and this is the best of all the "this year blew chunks" posts I've read yet. Not only because of the monstrous proportions of the suckitude you've faced this year, but because of your lovely, wise insights that, although I've come to expect them, inspire no less pleasure because of that little fact. May 2009 bring you nothing but bliss, adventure, and the fulfillment of wishes both well-publicized and secret.
Well. Hell. Who knows where we'll be this time next year...'cause I never would've predicted where I'd be now. Cheers.
On the surface, I know this infertility stuff is definitely not my fault, except maybe waiting until I was 34 to do something about it. However, deep down I still have irrational moments when I blame myself. Even now with those good betas, one moment I'm overjoyed, and the next I'm wondering what I'll do to screw this up.
2008, for the most part has been a shit year! I think that's a sentiment that goes far and wide! And so, when you're down there's only one way to go and that's up! May you get that little farm, settle in, and have a long and healthy pregnancy on top of it! Happy New Year Shinejil!
happy new year to you shinejil. let's hope that 2009 behaves itself and keeps the suckitude to a minimum!
:)
You had one hell of a 2008.
I really hope 2009 is better in so many ways.
Happy New Year and I hope your 2009 is truly wonderful.
I think that it is testimony to your strength and wisdom that, even in the face of such unremitting crappiness, you've been able to grow and learn from your experiences. Your insights are an inspiration.
May 2009 bring you peace, happiness and fulfillment!
I have a good feeling about 2009. :) I am glad you are feeling some peace. Happy New Year!
Jeez, I knew you had a shitty year. But it really puts a different light on it seeing it in one place like this. I truly hope each month in 2009 is 100 times better than each month you had in 2008!
oh you had a crapola year, my dear. one that just kept piling it on. yet I also remember from your posts those lovely moments of peace and contentment, found on a long hike through the woods or however else it came to you. wishing you many more of those in 09!
Holy fuckers. 11 out of 12 really bad months. Well, here's to 2009 and hoping it's WAY better. It just has to be.
sweet liberation
Post a Comment