So, it's Day 1. Time to make that call, order those meds that cost their weight in gold, get psyched for a wanding, bid farewell to all my chemical crutches. I'm depressed.
You'd think after all the bitching and moaning about waiting for my hCG to come down, I'd be totally rarin' to inject. But the whole process is stretching before me like one, long, dull day of meetings, where you have to pay attention and you have to attend, but you know you're not going to get a damn thing out of it.
I'm dreading the brain mist that inevitably sets in, thicker than the fog on the San Fransisco Bay. I'm dreading the fatigue, the gross bloat, the stupidity of it all. Maybe once I see some swelling follies, I'll be able to muster some excitement.
I wish I didn't have to do this. And, frankly, left to my own devices, I wouldn't. I'd live with the pain of being childless, and move on. But my guy, with his childhood trauma demanding some alchemical process of redemption via my incompetent reproductive system, it's the be all and end all for him. We have a hard time talking about this straight on.
Okay, time to make the donuts. I mean the call to the RE. Clocking in for another round of expensive self-molification.
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11 comments:
Nothing about IVF is fun, so you're justified in dreading it. What made the difference for me this last time was escapism. I don't know if it's possible for you, but can you take some time off, buy a dozen books that will make you feel warm and fuzzy and just escape? I had never done it before with any of my IVFs, but this time I tuned it all out (it being anything that tended to bring me down and stress me out)and focused only on gratituous enjoyment. I know, i know, it sounds easy for me to say, but I will say that this IVF was the most relaxing one I ever experienced.
Regardless, hang in there. As huge a pain in the ass it is, you can handle it. (Because we're women, we can handle anything)
It's tough to get back on that proverbial horse. I really really hope that this cycle works out for you both. I can't imagine dealing with the pressures of IF along with your man's anxiety and depression. Just don't forget to look after yourself too!
Ohhhh...I know what you mean. Treatment doesn't seem hopeful to me, like ttc naturally does. _ I_ think for each time we have to go through another procedure (especially WANDING) we should get a treat - like getting candy after a shot wheb you're small.
Ohhh... :(
You're being so brave, though!
Oh, ouch. Just ouch.
I wish that this were your first time trying and that you could have sunshine shooting out your happy a.s, but it isn't and you're not and that's... perfectly normal. You've been through way too much lately.
Thinking good thoughts for you.
Oh, sweets! I didn't know that you and your guy are in different places on this stuff. It is so hard when there are things you can't talk about easily - all marriages must have them, but it's tough when you know what they are and they take up a lot of room in your life, and especially so when they require you to enter the fog, and bloat.
Thinking of you and wishing you success on this cycle.
I'm sorry you have to do this too. I hope that the excitement sets in. Hugs.
Good luck. I hope it's a hugely successful month.
I'm sorry that you're dreading the start of your next cycle. It really does begin to feel like just a giant process, a rolling ride that you just have to take as it comes. So, I'm sorry for you, but at the same time, hopeful that this day marks the start of the one that works out for you.
Only just catching up on your last few posts...
I too wish that you didn't have to go through all this - it must be so very difficult to get back on this particular horse, especially after what happened to you last time. I'm also sorry that you and your guy aren't in the same place as far as treatments are concerned - I know from first hand experience how hard this can be, and hope that you can in time find some common ground.
Thinking of you and hoping that this cycle may be your last.
Just remember, one day at a time. (No, not the '70s sitcom!) Bite off little pieces, chew well, and swallow. Pretend the pieces are your favorite candy/dessert. Hell, once a hoop has been jumped through, EAT a favorite candy/dessert.
Keep your eye on the ball. (What other pithy sentiments can I throw you way?) Here: I was seriously lacking some hope on round 1 and am working on building layers of it like a nice uterine lining for round 2. IT CAN ONLY HELP. Focus on the HOPE. And please remind me to do the same in about a month... HOPE, sister, HOPE!!!
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