It's likely only a passing whim, but I'm feeling somewhat not as insane today. I'm relishing it and enjoying every moment when it doesn't feel like my head's going to explode, along with my lower abdomen. I'm definitely feeling the ovaries, but it's fine as long as I don't attempt to suck in my gut.
This morning's monitoring appointment was very reassuring: Rightie's still flying high with 2 big guys at around 15-16 mm, and 2 smaller slackers who might still be contenders, while Leftie's showing a bit more spunk with a couple okay 11-12 mm dudes. I'm expecting to get one more wanding on Friday, with a trigger on Saturday or so. That means all this mess will be over and done with by Monday morning, leaving me to cross the great barren desert of 2ww.
I'm packing up a camel with lots of books and DVDs, and I'll probably be telling more stupid stories from my checkered past. Feel free to place your bets on the number of meltdowns I'll have before my first beta.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Swim the pain away
Yesterday, I found myself feeling gloomier and gloomier. Partly because I felt terrible physically and partly because I felt emotionally insane. Then, I got a rejection letter in my inbox for a paper proposal I'd submitted. Yes, another nope for this cursed side project I keep trying to do something with.
It about sent me over the edge for whatever reason. Despair began to seep in, and I knew I had to get the hell out of the house. So I headed to the Y in a mad, brisk walk.
By the time I was a third of the way there, I was resigned to my fate: IF failures and academic failures were just coming with the territory for the next few years. By the time I was two thirds of the way there, I was grimly determined to kick against the pricks and not let any of this horseshit get me down.
And by the time I was done with my little workout, I was at peace. Not over the moon with joy, but calm and content. And it didn't make my ovaries hurt (unlike the walk there).
It about sent me over the edge for whatever reason. Despair began to seep in, and I knew I had to get the hell out of the house. So I headed to the Y in a mad, brisk walk.
By the time I was a third of the way there, I was resigned to my fate: IF failures and academic failures were just coming with the territory for the next few years. By the time I was two thirds of the way there, I was grimly determined to kick against the pricks and not let any of this horseshit get me down.
And by the time I was done with my little workout, I was at peace. Not over the moon with joy, but calm and content. And it didn't make my ovaries hurt (unlike the walk there).
Monday, July 28, 2008
Not spots, just nuts
No spotting here. Just me going insane, folks. Seriously, I think I completely hallucinated something a shade darker than beige at 5 am when I got up to finish a freelance assignment.
The follie check went fine. I'm still waiting for the RE's office to call with further instructions, but I think it will be stay the course with 150 IUs of Follistim. The u/s tech said that everything looks just like it should at this point in the cycle, with Rightie pulling into the lead with two 11 mm follies. Lefty still has a chance with two 7-9 cm guys, this being only Day 7.
As always, I felt disappointed. I realize it's because I've lived a life where most things I've bothered to do have been better than "looks good." But in this game, looks good is probably better than overachieving: The last thing we can handle is a canceled cycle due to a gazillion eggs or a ten thousand dollar OHSS debacle.
I feel like shit today, but I can't tell whether it's just lack of sleep, my cold, my swelling ovaries, or all of the above. Whatever it is, I hope it stops. I've call in sick to my part time job, in hopes of getting some rest and recovering some energy. I feel so out of it and achy...
The follie check went fine. I'm still waiting for the RE's office to call with further instructions, but I think it will be stay the course with 150 IUs of Follistim. The u/s tech said that everything looks just like it should at this point in the cycle, with Rightie pulling into the lead with two 11 mm follies. Lefty still has a chance with two 7-9 cm guys, this being only Day 7.
As always, I felt disappointed. I realize it's because I've lived a life where most things I've bothered to do have been better than "looks good." But in this game, looks good is probably better than overachieving: The last thing we can handle is a canceled cycle due to a gazillion eggs or a ten thousand dollar OHSS debacle.
I feel like shit today, but I can't tell whether it's just lack of sleep, my cold, my swelling ovaries, or all of the above. Whatever it is, I hope it stops. I've call in sick to my part time job, in hopes of getting some rest and recovering some energy. I feel so out of it and achy...
Frack
Is that spotting I see? It's not red, not much of it, but definitely something blood-related. The very late tail end of my period? Stupid stims! When will this shit end, I ask?
I have my first follie check this morning, so we'll see how the ol' ovaries are faring. I feel them, so I assume they are up to something in there. Then I'm planning to call in sick to work, in hopes of finally beating this cold I got from my guy.
I have my first follie check this morning, so we'll see how the ol' ovaries are faring. I feel them, so I assume they are up to something in there. Then I'm planning to call in sick to work, in hopes of finally beating this cold I got from my guy.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Where is my Mind?
I feel so strange. I don't know whether I'm just nuts (very possible) or whether I'm already experiencing hormonal oddness, but I've been feeling both extremely hopped up, with my mind like a steel trap tearing through ideas like nobody's business, and extremely trippy and wacky, as if I'd just eaten a Dutch space cake. Maybe it's just me, working my brain too hard.
I'm amazed how easy this all is. I guess I'd built it all up in my mind to be a big deal, and now that I'm doing it, it's not. Perhaps my guy and I were just ready for this stab at fertile glory, even with its heinous financial implications. We know it's a gamble in our hearts, and that makes it tolerable, somehow. I think the delusions I held caused me more pain than the eventual cold hard stare at reality. This is my reality, and except for being expensive and tiring, it's not all that bad.
Now, more fun facts. You can always rely on your friendly neighborhood PhD student for your dose of fun facts. For reasons that are too dull and complicated to go into, I've been fascinated by Haitian veves, the drawing used to represent the various lwa (spirits) of vodou. No, that's not the doll-poking witch doctor fantasy of voodoo, but the Afro-American religious practice. The lwa are felt to be parallels of the Catholic saints, but stem from Taino (a Hispanola indigenous group) and African (mostly from what's now Benin) beliefs.
Here's my favorite veve. It's for Damballa, who's connected to snakes and fertility. His wife is Ayida, the rainbow serpent. It's funny, but these ideas, these images feel to me like old friends. And this is the key to distraction in a time of slow burning crisis (like IF): embrace whatever old friends you encounter on the road.
I'm amazed how easy this all is. I guess I'd built it all up in my mind to be a big deal, and now that I'm doing it, it's not. Perhaps my guy and I were just ready for this stab at fertile glory, even with its heinous financial implications. We know it's a gamble in our hearts, and that makes it tolerable, somehow. I think the delusions I held caused me more pain than the eventual cold hard stare at reality. This is my reality, and except for being expensive and tiring, it's not all that bad.
Now, more fun facts. You can always rely on your friendly neighborhood PhD student for your dose of fun facts. For reasons that are too dull and complicated to go into, I've been fascinated by Haitian veves, the drawing used to represent the various lwa (spirits) of vodou. No, that's not the doll-poking witch doctor fantasy of voodoo, but the Afro-American religious practice. The lwa are felt to be parallels of the Catholic saints, but stem from Taino (a Hispanola indigenous group) and African (mostly from what's now Benin) beliefs.
Here's my favorite veve. It's for Damballa, who's connected to snakes and fertility. His wife is Ayida, the rainbow serpent. It's funny, but these ideas, these images feel to me like old friends. And this is the key to distraction in a time of slow burning crisis (like IF): embrace whatever old friends you encounter on the road.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Gecher poke on...
Done! It was a breeze, actually. But then again, I did do dumb stuff in the past like pierce my own nose. So this was but a pinprick.
Today's jampacked with bs, but more soon...
Today's jampacked with bs, but more soon...
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Spree!
I don't know why, but I feel a slight jolt of pleasure, perhaps akin to what devoted gamblers feel, when I plot down the plastic for yet another injection-related charge. I mean, I have never, ever been so sanguine about racking up debts in the four digits--not to the five digits yet, ladies, but watch this space--without a second thought. And my super-stingy guy is similarly blase.
Funny, how all this changes your perspective. First poke tonight. I'm a bit nervous, but the pen makes it pretty much foolproof. That sets this fool's heart at ease.
Funny, how all this changes your perspective. First poke tonight. I'm a bit nervous, but the pen makes it pretty much foolproof. That sets this fool's heart at ease.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Base(line) for your Face(line?)... Whatever
I don't know why Public Enemy is running through my head regarding my first baseline ever, but what a IFer know?
Now I finally have something to talk about! I like facts, events, and details, which is why I like doing history. I have some facts to share.
Basically, except the damned wait in the pregnant lady pen (aka the obgyn practice where my RE does his monitoring locally), all was smooth. I don't really have negative feelings about the womb wand, which I guess is a good thing, because it would be rough if that procedure was accompanied by a sense of humiliation and sadness. For me, it's all about the wonder at this point. It's so cool to see the blobby images of my ovaries, currently cyst-free with several baby follicles forming, my ute, my illiac blood vessels, etc. Even my guy was really enjoying the grainy, b/w show. Curiosity is an excellent antidote for anxiety, for us at least.
The tech was very nice and answered all my questions about how things look (very good). So after about 10 minutes we fled the building, giggling and rode home (just a few minutes away) listening to Willie Nelson.
I also got my meds this morning in their little cooler. The instructions--a thick pile of papers covered in tiny font print--were emblazoned with a friggin' clip-art stork replete with bundle of dangling joy. Puke. It made me want to riffle through the polar packs, just in case some had indeed plopped a baby in with my order. (free infant with every thousand dollar purchase of stims!)
Excuse the crude joke. I know the pharmacy folks mean well. It just seems somewhat cruel: What if this package is headed for an IF veteran who really doesn't need her nose rubbed in it? I think an aesthetic of neutrality should prevail in these matters.
Another random thing I noticed was the "organ0n" printed on the pen case. I know that's the med company, but hey fellow IFers, did you know that is very close to the name of the retreat/commune of Wilhelm Reich, innovative psychologist and promoter of the orgasm who fled Nazi Germany for Maine? It's also mentioned in a Kate Bush song from "Hounds of Love," just in case you cared. Reich was a fascinating guy, regardless of what you think of his somewhat out there theories. A lot of his thinking laid the groundwork for the social changes of the 1960s and 70s in America, and for the New Age movement. Yes, I'll shut up now.
And last but not least, thanks for all your awesome suggestions! Keep them coming, if more come to mind. Be as specific as you want. I'll try to compile them this week and make a big ol' post about it. I might also put a call out to Lost and Found, to get as many suggestions as possible.
Now I finally have something to talk about! I like facts, events, and details, which is why I like doing history. I have some facts to share.
Basically, except the damned wait in the pregnant lady pen (aka the obgyn practice where my RE does his monitoring locally), all was smooth. I don't really have negative feelings about the womb wand, which I guess is a good thing, because it would be rough if that procedure was accompanied by a sense of humiliation and sadness. For me, it's all about the wonder at this point. It's so cool to see the blobby images of my ovaries, currently cyst-free with several baby follicles forming, my ute, my illiac blood vessels, etc. Even my guy was really enjoying the grainy, b/w show. Curiosity is an excellent antidote for anxiety, for us at least.
The tech was very nice and answered all my questions about how things look (very good). So after about 10 minutes we fled the building, giggling and rode home (just a few minutes away) listening to Willie Nelson.
I also got my meds this morning in their little cooler. The instructions--a thick pile of papers covered in tiny font print--were emblazoned with a friggin' clip-art stork replete with bundle of dangling joy. Puke. It made me want to riffle through the polar packs, just in case some had indeed plopped a baby in with my order. (free infant with every thousand dollar purchase of stims!)
Excuse the crude joke. I know the pharmacy folks mean well. It just seems somewhat cruel: What if this package is headed for an IF veteran who really doesn't need her nose rubbed in it? I think an aesthetic of neutrality should prevail in these matters.
Another random thing I noticed was the "organ0n" printed on the pen case. I know that's the med company, but hey fellow IFers, did you know that is very close to the name of the retreat/commune of Wilhelm Reich, innovative psychologist and promoter of the orgasm who fled Nazi Germany for Maine? It's also mentioned in a Kate Bush song from "Hounds of Love," just in case you cared. Reich was a fascinating guy, regardless of what you think of his somewhat out there theories. A lot of his thinking laid the groundwork for the social changes of the 1960s and 70s in America, and for the New Age movement. Yes, I'll shut up now.
And last but not least, thanks for all your awesome suggestions! Keep them coming, if more come to mind. Be as specific as you want. I'll try to compile them this week and make a big ol' post about it. I might also put a call out to Lost and Found, to get as many suggestions as possible.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
All Systems Go
So, it's Day One of the rest of my injecting life. I knew that this month was an unlikely candidate for a hail mary pregnancy, due to the Node of Doom, which made any marital relations impossible at just the right time.
I'm oddly excited to see how I'm going to feel all hopped up on F0llistim.
I also had an idea: There are lots of resources out there for dealing with the IF emotional rollercoaster from a psychological point of view, but what about creating a list of books, movies, websites, activities, adventures for folks to keep them busy while they're riding the ups and downs or waiting in line to get on aforementioned rollercoaster. Everything should have limited reference to babies, pregnancy, etc, or include a warning, so that folks in tender places can avoid them. Mel is usually queen of this kind of stuff--she's so damn organized, that wonderwoman!--but I can't recall seeing anything quite like this on Stirrup Queens...
Any suggestions of good books, movies, tv shows, rituals that have gotten you though the nasty, anxiety-ridden day? Of course, tastes differ, but if we get a large enough pool of possibilities, everyone should be able to find something to keep them busy and keep them from, say, compulsively googling early pregnancy symptoms.
I'm oddly excited to see how I'm going to feel all hopped up on F0llistim.
I also had an idea: There are lots of resources out there for dealing with the IF emotional rollercoaster from a psychological point of view, but what about creating a list of books, movies, websites, activities, adventures for folks to keep them busy while they're riding the ups and downs or waiting in line to get on aforementioned rollercoaster. Everything should have limited reference to babies, pregnancy, etc, or include a warning, so that folks in tender places can avoid them. Mel is usually queen of this kind of stuff--she's so damn organized, that wonderwoman!--but I can't recall seeing anything quite like this on Stirrup Queens...
Any suggestions of good books, movies, tv shows, rituals that have gotten you though the nasty, anxiety-ridden day? Of course, tastes differ, but if we get a large enough pool of possibilities, everyone should be able to find something to keep them busy and keep them from, say, compulsively googling early pregnancy symptoms.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
The Hokey Pokey
The RE appointment was dull. Dr. Spunk was all about the needles and thought it was a good idea to hit the hard stuff now. He's a pretty aggressive mofo of an MD, eager to get me popping out the eggs in hopes of soon popping out the shorties. Then I got the Follistim pen lesson from a nurse gal. The needle is tiny, the contraption so simple a monkey could dose me. Except the damn HSG shot, this should be a piece of cake. I think the hardest part will be getting to all the appointments, some of which are around 60 miles away, and watching the savings shrivel.
But how do I feel? Uh, I don't really feel anything, which sort of baffles me. I don't feel excited or optimistic. I don't feel defeated or pessimistic. My only desire is so selfish, I'm almost afraid to utter it here, but what the hell: I want to know whether I'll be pregnant or not in the next few cycles so that I can figure out whether I can plan research trips to underdeveloped countries. Isn't that stupid? I'm going to be a real bitch of a mom.
The other thing I appear to be obsessing about--and thank you, thank you for your generous and helpful advice about weight gain--is my sanity and physical well-being game plan. I'm plotting what mindless entertainment I'll ploy my brain with in moments of darkness and crisis, and how I'll keep myself moving. I'm thinking long walks and hikes, bike commuting, and swimming a few times a week. Hopefully, none of the above will make my monster ovaries explode.
My temp job is somewhat cushy: I'm working for a unit of the university where I know all the folks involved, and we all get along well. I do a bit of administrative bs (ah, the systems at a huge state university! They are breathtakingly arcane!) , take phone messages, check email, and do completely random tasks from out of left field. It leaves me some time to do a touch of reading articles online or writing abstracts or proposals, but most importantly, it's making me some money. We're going to need that badly over the next few months (years?). Ugh.
But how do I feel? Uh, I don't really feel anything, which sort of baffles me. I don't feel excited or optimistic. I don't feel defeated or pessimistic. My only desire is so selfish, I'm almost afraid to utter it here, but what the hell: I want to know whether I'll be pregnant or not in the next few cycles so that I can figure out whether I can plan research trips to underdeveloped countries. Isn't that stupid? I'm going to be a real bitch of a mom.
The other thing I appear to be obsessing about--and thank you, thank you for your generous and helpful advice about weight gain--is my sanity and physical well-being game plan. I'm plotting what mindless entertainment I'll ploy my brain with in moments of darkness and crisis, and how I'll keep myself moving. I'm thinking long walks and hikes, bike commuting, and swimming a few times a week. Hopefully, none of the above will make my monster ovaries explode.
My temp job is somewhat cushy: I'm working for a unit of the university where I know all the folks involved, and we all get along well. I do a bit of administrative bs (ah, the systems at a huge state university! They are breathtakingly arcane!) , take phone messages, check email, and do completely random tasks from out of left field. It leaves me some time to do a touch of reading articles online or writing abstracts or proposals, but most importantly, it's making me some money. We're going to need that badly over the next few months (years?). Ugh.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Bullet points
- Working another temp part-time job where I daren't look at my dear IF bloggers;
- Plowing through academic bs when not working;
- Hanging around with Mongolians a lot for some reason;
- Going to see RE tomorrow for pre-needle briefing;
- Feeling nothing much at all, except to-do list;
- Beer. Drinking it. Yeah.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Ramblin' round up
The kids did really well on their first day. Of course, they were far too cool for school, but that comes with the 12-14-year-old territory. The ones that weren't excited about what we were learning were complacent their boredom, and a couple of the kids I wanted to adopt on the spot, including one amazing budding young feminist. I wanted to give her a big hug and yell, "You go girl!"
I only have two more (albeit 3 hour) classes with them, so I think I'll make it without any anguish. Now, if I only I could get motivated to do all the other crap I'm supposed to be doing...
We had a wonderful time at my folks' place: My man and my dad are buddies and spent most of the weekend working with plants or talking about them. My mom was wonderfully relaxed and vibrant compared to years past, thanks to retirement and Curves. Everybody was doing well, and my dad is very grounded re: his upcoming cancer treatment. He's very open about it, and very thoughtful and very confident he's going to beat it. We took a couple of lovely long walks, my guy and I, and talked farming. He's found his calling, and I'm glad: he needs to be his own boss. I let my hair down and ate lots of delicious lavender cookies and drank sparkling wine. It was great not to give a shit, to sit with my loved ones under the bittersweet-covered pergola, and enjoy the unseasonably ideal summer weather.
Next week, I have my first serious appointment with Dr. Spunk (my seldom mentioned RE) to start me shooting up. I feel neither optimistic or pessimistic, just that I'm doing what needs to be done. The right thing for us at this point.
Now, if I can just keep from gaining 20 pounds in the process... I don't have any money to buy a whole new wardrobe. And if I'm going to barren, I want to be svelte, damn it!!! Any tips?
I only have two more (albeit 3 hour) classes with them, so I think I'll make it without any anguish. Now, if I only I could get motivated to do all the other crap I'm supposed to be doing...
We had a wonderful time at my folks' place: My man and my dad are buddies and spent most of the weekend working with plants or talking about them. My mom was wonderfully relaxed and vibrant compared to years past, thanks to retirement and Curves. Everybody was doing well, and my dad is very grounded re: his upcoming cancer treatment. He's very open about it, and very thoughtful and very confident he's going to beat it. We took a couple of lovely long walks, my guy and I, and talked farming. He's found his calling, and I'm glad: he needs to be his own boss. I let my hair down and ate lots of delicious lavender cookies and drank sparkling wine. It was great not to give a shit, to sit with my loved ones under the bittersweet-covered pergola, and enjoy the unseasonably ideal summer weather.
Next week, I have my first serious appointment with Dr. Spunk (my seldom mentioned RE) to start me shooting up. I feel neither optimistic or pessimistic, just that I'm doing what needs to be done. The right thing for us at this point.
Now, if I can just keep from gaining 20 pounds in the process... I don't have any money to buy a whole new wardrobe. And if I'm going to barren, I want to be svelte, damn it!!! Any tips?
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Back in the Saddle
I resumed training last night, with no significant loss of conditioning to report. That makes me very, very happy. Though I plan to take it easy today (just some necessary bike riding), just to be sure I don't make my poor bod go bonkers.
I'm teaching a kid's summer class on something sort of related to my favorite Obscure Corner of the World, and it's a bitch trying to figure out how to challenge 11-14 year olds without frustrating them. I'm going to force them to read some primary sources on the historical era in question. Kids don't do enough of that. We'll see how I do. I've subbed at the junior high level before (I remember it involved physically wrestling with one particularly wired young man) in a very bad school district, so I'm hoping these kids will be at least marginally better. I hate playing prison warden and prefer actually teaching.
We're off tomorrow to my parents' farm for a few days, so I wish all my bloggybuddies a good holiday weekend. May you unwind and find your own version of independence.
I'm teaching a kid's summer class on something sort of related to my favorite Obscure Corner of the World, and it's a bitch trying to figure out how to challenge 11-14 year olds without frustrating them. I'm going to force them to read some primary sources on the historical era in question. Kids don't do enough of that. We'll see how I do. I've subbed at the junior high level before (I remember it involved physically wrestling with one particularly wired young man) in a very bad school district, so I'm hoping these kids will be at least marginally better. I hate playing prison warden and prefer actually teaching.
We're off tomorrow to my parents' farm for a few days, so I wish all my bloggybuddies a good holiday weekend. May you unwind and find your own version of independence.
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