The RE appointment was dull. Dr. Spunk was all about the needles and thought it was a good idea to hit the hard stuff now. He's a pretty aggressive mofo of an MD, eager to get me popping out the eggs in hopes of soon popping out the shorties. Then I got the Follistim pen lesson from a nurse gal. The needle is tiny, the contraption so simple a monkey could dose me. Except the damn HSG shot, this should be a piece of cake. I think the hardest part will be getting to all the appointments, some of which are around 60 miles away, and watching the savings shrivel.
But how do I feel? Uh, I don't really feel anything, which sort of baffles me. I don't feel excited or optimistic. I don't feel defeated or pessimistic. My only desire is so selfish, I'm almost afraid to utter it here, but what the hell: I want to know whether I'll be pregnant or not in the next few cycles so that I can figure out whether I can plan research trips to underdeveloped countries. Isn't that stupid? I'm going to be a real bitch of a mom.
The other thing I appear to be obsessing about--and thank you, thank you for your generous and helpful advice about weight gain--is my sanity and physical well-being game plan. I'm plotting what mindless entertainment I'll ploy my brain with in moments of darkness and crisis, and how I'll keep myself moving. I'm thinking long walks and hikes, bike commuting, and swimming a few times a week. Hopefully, none of the above will make my monster ovaries explode.
My temp job is somewhat cushy: I'm working for a unit of the university where I know all the folks involved, and we all get along well. I do a bit of administrative bs (ah, the systems at a huge state university! They are breathtakingly arcane!) , take phone messages, check email, and do completely random tasks from out of left field. It leaves me some time to do a touch of reading articles online or writing abstracts or proposals, but most importantly, it's making me some money. We're going to need that badly over the next few months (years?). Ugh.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
10 comments:
One of the hard things about IF is how you have to put your life on hold. Can't go there, it's CD 14, nope, can't be there, I might be pregnant.
It's hard. Hang in there.
I definitely understand trying to figure out where you'll be for the next few months (it's not like research trips are vacations, they're actually work). All I can say is that I triggered 2 days before leaving for an 8 week research trip (albeit to Europe, lots of decent health care) and I was really glad that I did. It gave me something to distract myself during the 2ww and beyond during the scary 'is this really working?' phase. You might want to find out now if your doctor is going to flip if you travel - I'm guessing it depends how often you've been to the place before (for immunities) and if you can find decent health care there. But it's a totally reasonable concern.
While being up in the air is not fun, you might have a pretty good deal going: you'll be ready to go to exciting exotic places and if you can't and have to cancel because you are preggers -- damn, equally exciting!
it does suck how you have to think like that when you're in treatment. but you don't have to put everything on hold. you hardly seem like the kind of person who would do that. everyone has a different situation, needs, fears, coping mechanism, etc.
in the meantime, I'll be thinking about you popping out some shorties soon.
Shinejil, you actually sound very normal. I was so positive that my first cycle would work, the ultimate "thanks for playing, please try again" knocked me to my knees. You sound very level headed and realistic. Keeping other interests is crucial to keeping sane.
Your new job sounds boring, but in the most awesome way possible (in that it seems low-key, low-pressure, etc.).
Awesome for the agressive MD. I love when doctors get all crazy-up-on-the-ball and wanna get stuff done. Aside from the savings shriveling thing, it all sounds really good.
I think its normal to be in a state of unfeeling after a RE appointment! And I do not think it is selfish that you want to plan your life, NOT AT ALL! I say GO YOU! It is not fair that we have to plan our whole stinkin lives around the possiblity of a baby. So I say plan those trips and you will figure it out if you do get PG! That is my new modo, no more putting life on hold. If I want to take a new class that I maybe shouldn't do while PG (pole dancing!) I will take it, if I want a drink right after I ovualted, then I will have a drink. Becasue I am sick of the on hold crap, sorry ranting! ha ha. But good for you, thats what I want to say! You will be a stellar mom!
The time and focus that IF takes consumes our whole lives during those cycles, and planning for things becomes nearly impossible. It doesn't make you a bad person or a bad parent to be thinking about it; it means you are your own person who has not let this process subsume you. Consume you? What's the word I need there? I am so excited to follow your cycle, and am hoping so much for success for you.
Apparently my center doesn't believe in the pens. I don't know why. I have pen jealousy. My protcols usually include the mixing, and the multiple syringes and needles for what ends up being one shot.
I'm actually, gasp, dare I say it, ready to go back to work, ALMOST. Just because I'm much saner if I don't have time to think about all of this stuff.
Let us know how things are going! This cycle was a long time coming, right?
Here's how whacky this whole IF thing makes a person: I was reading your post about getting the Follistim pen, and I actually thought "oh, I want to do another IVF!" As if it's somehow the most fun thing in the world? Where have my brain cells gone? Anyway, don't worry about the things that go through your head. One does have to keep living one's life while all this is going on ...
Post a Comment