I feel so strange. I don't know whether I'm just nuts (very possible) or whether I'm already experiencing hormonal oddness, but I've been feeling both extremely hopped up, with my mind like a steel trap tearing through ideas like nobody's business, and extremely trippy and wacky, as if I'd just eaten a Dutch space cake. Maybe it's just me, working my brain too hard.
I'm amazed how easy this all is. I guess I'd built it all up in my mind to be a big deal, and now that I'm doing it, it's not. Perhaps my guy and I were just ready for this stab at fertile glory, even with its heinous financial implications. We know it's a gamble in our hearts, and that makes it tolerable, somehow. I think the delusions I held caused me more pain than the eventual cold hard stare at reality. This is my reality, and except for being expensive and tiring, it's not all that bad.
Now, more fun facts. You can always rely on your friendly neighborhood PhD student for your dose of fun facts. For reasons that are too dull and complicated to go into, I've been fascinated by Haitian veves, the drawing used to represent the various lwa (spirits) of vodou. No, that's not the doll-poking witch doctor fantasy of voodoo, but the Afro-American religious practice. The lwa are felt to be parallels of the Catholic saints, but stem from Taino (a Hispanola indigenous group) and African (mostly from what's now Benin) beliefs.
Here's my favorite veve. It's for Damballa, who's connected to snakes and fertility. His wife is Ayida, the rainbow serpent. It's funny, but these ideas, these images feel to me like old friends. And this is the key to distraction in a time of slow burning crisis (like IF): embrace whatever old friends you encounter on the road.
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7 comments:
I guess the drugs have their effect on everyone. just like a dutch space cake may find someone in a dark corner or in a pile on the floor, while someone else may be singing in and dancing in the streets...
cool veves.
Love the Veve!
When I think of fertility gods, my mind goes to the venus of willendorf. I've always been strangely fascinated with her.
Glad stims are going well. I got up and shot myself this morning, all groggy and everything, because I'd been instructed to do it between 7 and 9AM. Then I took my stupid Synthroid. And then I promptly crawled back into bed! LOL!
dutch space cake?
I like you.
I hope that this doesn't mean you'll soon be injecting whatever you can find. :)
Glad you're not having a bad reaction to the stims. I don't mind them that much either. It isn't until about a week in that I start feeling the ovaries. But then it comes on fast.
It's funny how sanguine you can get about the money. Each time you up the ante, it's a huge shock. Then it just becomes the new "normal."
I always found the emotional parts to be much harder than the actual shots, appointments and procedures. The waiting and lack of control, twists and turns. No wonder you feel so strange!
awesome advice! and neat veves!
I always, always learn something worthwhile from you. Veves. Dutch Space Cakes.
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