I want to support my guy, who's again struggling with anxiety and depression. Again, he suspects he has some form of cancer (at the moment, lymphatic cancer is his favorite terror). Again, he's often grouchy, blue, scared, and/or inconsolable.
It's not as intense as this autumn (the goddess be praised) but it's still hard to see and sometimes hard to bear. Has anyone read any good books they think might help me get some insight? Any anecdotes from your own experience?
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sorry to hear about your hubby. thats a hard place to be! I had some anxiety issues and went to see a psycologist, it worked for me, but I know many ppl have issues with them! sorry I don't know about any books or anything.
I don't have any good book suggestions. However, my DH also suffers from anxiety and diagnoses himself with a different deadly disease every now and then. When we first met he would never make any long term plans, thinking he wouldn't survive till the end of the year. Well that was 11 years ago. Throughout the years, I've discovered that what seems to work best for us is for me to validate his fears and agree with him and make the appropriate doctor's appointments etc., until his anxiety subsides. If I try to tell him that it's probably nothing, he only gets worse.
I hope this helps.
I don't know if this would be considered good assvice and you may already be doing this from before. Is he taking medication? It's not always the best answer but having dealt with depression off and on for years I know for myself how much it does make a difference. Whatever you do or try I hope he is able to find some relief soon from the negativity that haunts him and to maybe find some happiness.
I suffered from extreme anxiety when I was in university and it was absolutely debilitating. I didn't like taking the meds that my doctor put me on, but therapy was one thing that did help. Is he seeing someone?
That's the only assvice that I can think of, but I am a success story (I guess since I'm a functioning adult that hasn't had a panic attack in years).
Assvice. My favorite!
I've struggled with anxiety, depression and bipolar II for 12 years, so I can share the sorts of support that have been helpful for me. (Keep in mind that I'm a mushy-gushy laydee, so none of this might ring true for him.)
Don't try to fix it or explain it away. If he thinks he has cancer, it doesn't matter if he really does or doesn't... what matters is that you acknowledge he's terrified. Similarly, if he's bummed out and telling you he's worthless, it's more helpful to say "That must really hurt to feel worthless," than to say "You're not worthless. You're grrrreat!" because he won't believe the cheerleading bit anyhow.
Don't pity him or treat him like he's fragile/broken. That only serves to reinforce his idea that he is indeed pitiful, fragile or broken.
There are likely a few things that still bring pleasure (provided that he hasn't sunk into a major depression or anhedonia)... encourage him to do those things, even on days when he's at his lowest. Netflix his favorite funny movie (even if you hate it yourself). Make that gawdawful dish that his mother used to make that he still likes even though it's full of Cream of Mushroom soup or somesuch. If he's laughing or enjoying food or bowling or whatever, for that one little moment, he gets a break from the depressed feelings.
Take lots of breaks for yourself. Depression is somewhat contagious, plus depressed people are very annoying. You'll feel terrible if you end up snapping at him for said annoyingness, though. Thus, the need for breaks.
Good lord, I've written a novel. As with all assvice, feel free to disregard any or all of it.
I'm thinking of you both.
Do you want books for him or you? Self-help, non-fiction, fiction?
It's a long list!
I battle depression and anxiety and the one thing that works for me are the anti-depressants.
If I have a lot on my plate, I plan things out ahead of time and put a timeline together of things to do, it helps to know when I am going to do things. It keeps the anxiety at bay a bit.
Other than that, I have no real assvice.
I've got nada. Sorry luv.
I'm sorry, I don't have anything to suggest. I just wanted to give you a big hug. I can imagine how hard this is for you and I hope you get some relief soon.
I don't have any real assvice but here is an interesting anecdote:
I once worked with a hypochondriac and we would just (gently, lightly) mock him basically by agreeing he had everything he thought he had (HIV, cancer, kidney failure etc...) We'd say "well, at least you know you're going to die. isn't it better knowing when and how then having it hit you from behind etc..."
he'd laugh, but it definitely didn't help or remove the source of his anxiety. I think he was homesick and depressed and that just worsened his (normal) fears.
But what is interesting: His hypochondria stopped when he started dating a pathological liar/attention freak who suffered from more deadly ailments than he did: ovarian cancer, diabetes, and only one kidney! (It was all a lie, but he believed her.)
So anyway he was so amazed she could even get out the bed in the morning and be so perky (aka self-centered) and it inspired him to "buck up" as they say and he actually was pretty "productive" and normal doing things he didn't do before like travel and write guides.
We all thought that was pretty interesting. He became maternal, protective and energized in the face of someone else's imminent demise.
But I've always believed those sorts of anxieties were caused by just needing to fill a big hole somewhere -- either like a lack of a sense of self-worth? need for self-affirmation...
By taking care of "Sickie" (we called her) he found some meaning and forgot his aches and pains.
But i don't think you tramping on rusty nails is going to do it. I think that will only mask the real problem (which is ??? )
Okay, supportive partner books.
Anxiety Disorders: The Caregivers by Ken Strong
Talking To Anxiety by Claudia Strauss (also author of Talking to Depression)
Depression Fallout by Anne Sheffield
Any of the above would be helpful in learning more about the problems your husband is facing and how you can deal with them. If you already feel like you have a grasp on those things, I'd go for a more general marriage approach. My favorite book for that would be Reconcilable Differences by Andrew Christensen and Neil Jacobsen. It focuses on the tension between wanting the partner to change and acceptance, which is relevant to anyone in a relationship but even moreso when dealing with mental illness.
Good luck!!!
Is your husband related to me? I go through periods where I'm sure I have a disease of some kind (it was lymphoma last spring). My family dr is pretty good about humouring me & sending me for tests that prove my fears are baseless, or something relatively harmless. Seems like as soon as one set of symptoms disappear another begins to drive me nuts. I never used to be like this... until about 10 years ago, when infertility & loss began to pervade my life. I think I got to be so hyper-aware of what my body was doing that I've never been quite able to kick it out of overdrive.
I don't know what to tell you, other than getting some tests done to disprove his theories. And maybe some therapy &/or anti-anxiety meds. My dh also suffers from anxiety & depression & medical fears. I at least will take them to the dr -- he just sits & stews about it. I have to drag him for an annual checkup. Drives me crazy sometimes.
My experience with anxiety and depression has been largely situational - i.e. it was a rational response to being in a job I should not have been in in the first place, let alone for 4 years. But it took me a while to figure out that I was depressed or anxious - all I knew was that I was unhappy. One book that helped me a lot was "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron. If you haven't already seen the book, it's a great look at suffering and difficult times from a Tibetan Buddhist teacher who is amazingly grounded in common sense and life experience. She talks a lot about honouring our experience, whatever it is, and turning towards it and really letting the feelings be there instead of always trying to run from them. And paradoxically, by opening towards our own suffering, we are able to find some freedom from it. Like most things, it's a simple idea that's hard to actually live out, but it's still helpful in the midst of a crisis of any sort.
I second what Bree said, too - you need to make sure you're taking care of yourself and not getting pulled in to the struggles he's having between his anxiety and what seems real and rational to everyone else (possibly even to him).
Keeping both of you in my thoughts, dear one, and wishing you both peace.
Sorry the hear your husband is struggling with this. I don't know any books but I do know that when my hubby was down about the loss of his father and career stress that I really encouraged him to see a therapist to help get through it. I think it really helped.
You got some really constructive posts!
Here's my biased take:
Drugs.
Head meds can be a good thing. Sometimes it is just circumstances that drives the need. Fine. But also, one's personal/familial chemistry can be such that they're deficient on brain hormones--as was the case for me--hit it right off the bat w/ The Zoloft. I was taking 50 mg. which did the trick, took at night to sleep off the major sleepiness and felt it get me on track right away. Prior to taking the meds (which I'm off at the moment due to TTC, but not off for life), it was always SUCH a struggle to pull myself out of the spiral. And the thing that really confirmed to me I was such an example of "chemical imbalance" was that there wasn't anything in particular that was setting me off when I finally admitted I was a good candidate for the drugs. YEARS of therapy cannot help a physical, chemical imbalance. After a lifetime of low-grade depression, when I finally gave over and took the drug, it was such a relief. Unfortunately, I still felt the sting of societal stigma: that it was a hush-hush thing I was doing. And honestly, I think there are a few of my friends who never "accepted" it and are glad I'm not on it currently. I get a bit defensive in my head and just let it go; if I vibed someone wasn't accepting, but judging, I made peace with it being their problem.
Here's the fair and analogous question:
Do people judge diabetics because they need insulin due to their pancreas not producing enough or any insulin?
NO.
But when people don't make enough of their own seratonin, just because the organ in question is the brain (i.e. the "mind") and not a pancreas, it gets lumped in as being "mental."
I go out of my way to openly talk about it and any other "taboo" subject I can b/c it's SUCH BS that these (OCD, depresssion, infertility) things are still SO not talked about and/or accepted, esp. in our American society.
Unfortunately, no solution is perfect for those of us w/ deficient organs. (As all of us struggling w/ IF know all too well.)
My dad, yes 1/2 of where I got these screwy genes, finally went on meds. Guess what? OCD/hypochondriac stuff dissipated. But he couldn't handle the drugged sleepiness and went off them. Yep, hypochondriac back in full force. My (lifelong) step mom was so bummed when he ditched them.
Please be patient with your DH.
...And there's my novella.
what Bree said made me think of a GREAT book I read that does exactly that, but it is directed toward parent-children conversations, but now that I think about it, the lessons are the same even in talking to another adult. it's called "Between Parent and Child" by Dr. Haim Ginott.
he completely changed the way the two sides should communicate. after doing so much work with "damaged" kids, he saw if he could fix them after they had already been broken with these "validate feelings" techniques, then why not teach people to use these techniques so they don't mess up the kids in the first place.
i found it helpful in dealing with my adult friends as well.
If he's really ill, I can't add anything to what's been said here.
If he's not ill, but just in a funk, I would say, in any episode, humor him for a day. "That's terrible," "I'm so sorry you're going through that," that sort of thing.
Then, if he persists, just tell him to get whatever form of aerobic exercise he'll do (boosts seratonin and metabolism and is really good for you), or volunteer, go on retreat, spend time with friends, whatever. My husband was jobless for a year and depressed. Feeling that he accomplished something - or getting out and seeing people other than me - really helped. So did talking to other friends who were going through the same thing.
Finally, don't ever let him drag you down with him. This took me a couple years to learn, but now I'm never going back. It makes BOTH of you more unhappy to let him pull you into his funk. If he's truly unbearable, leave the house and spend time with someone else. And tell him why - say you'll spend more time with him when he's pleasant to be around. (Not angrily, just explain matter-of-factly.)
But again, this only applies if he does NOT have a chronic psychological problem.
Damn, I completely forgot to respond to this one. Sorry to be late!
My anecdote: I have OCD and it wasn't diagnosed until I was in grad school. Before then, I was having very obsessive thoughts about disease and it was taking over my life. I would obsessively research symptoms and go to the doctor's office for tests (the compulsions). My father recognized that this was not your run of the mill stuff and urged me to see someone about it. I did and lo and behold, I had OCD!
I am not saying that your guy has OCD, but sometimes it takes someone to point out to the person that there may be some underlying cause for their anxiety - and it's not cancer - and that talking to a professional might be good.
It's been almost 10 years (ack!) since I was diagnosed and I've been on anti-depressants for my OCD. I've also had cognitive therapy and the obsessive thoughts have really subsided. I still get it from time to time, but I know what it is and how to deal with it.
I really think that there is help for him out there and by extension for you!
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