The Bright Side

Though I still feel some lingering sorrow and misgivings--I mean, if you can lose one, you can lose two, right?--my heart feels better today. I realize that I have to be strong for this little living child, and not dwell overmuch on what I can't do or don't have.

In fact, I started to reimagine my life, thinking about being able to carry one child on my back while hiking the hills near our home, of walking without a lot of logistical planning around our little town, of the freedom and closeness I'll be able to have with Bruiser, that might have taken a lot longer to achieve with two babies of the exact same age. It will make our farm dream, which we understood we'd have to delay with twins, into something a year off, not years off.

I always dreamed (literally saw in dreams, not thought wistfully about) of a single child, a large, vibrant little boy who looked eerily like my guy as a child (and this was before I even knew we would hook up and way before I knew what he looked like as a lad). Maybe Bruiser is this child. If so, he will be more than enough.

On a more practical note, I get one more u/s with my RE and Nurse Sweetie next Monday, and then he's passing me on to my old doc. I'm not wild about her practice, though she's great, and not quite sure what to do. But I did discover that our local hospital is super hippy (Labor like you want! Room in with your baby! Bring your favorite aromatherapy and music! Dim the lights!), so I feel better about my options.

Could this all work out in the end? I'm so ready for an anticlimax.