It wasn't until I got a recommendation for the same OB practice (the one I've mentioned before, with a nurse midwife and two well-liked OBs) that I realized I'd been thinking like an IF. Out of a sense of misplaced loyalty, I'd decided I'd just go see my old gyn doc at the terrible Bump Barn of Despair. Where the staff is stupid and rude and blissfully unaware of their profound suckitude. Where the OBs are a rotating cast of characters, only one of whom I know.
I realized how stupid I myself was being. I was willing to shortchange myself, I felt, but why?
Because I'm a pregoposeur. Someone who got knocked up despite the clear declaration of "Nature" to the contrary. This continued feeling of inadequacy meant that I had decided, in some twisted way, that I didn't deserve the best prenatal and birth care. I would just have to take whatever crap I got. I had already forfeited my rights to anything vaguely resembling my old dreams for myself in the reproduction department. Man, how deep these things go.
When I saw that, I knew what I had to do. I canceled my appointment at the Bump Barn and somehow managed to get an appointment with the nurse midwife, though sadly enough not until April 4. They said that I likely wouldn't get an ultrasound, if I'd already had several scans to check for viability. I was flabbergasted: You mean, you guys have faith that everything's just fine up there? That this little guy will take care of business on his own? It was a whole other world.
On another front, my husband and I have talked about it, and I'm going to stay home with our theoretical child for several years, just keeping my freelance work and wrapping up my dis if necessary. And my sister-in-law, who's awesome, is most likely going to move back to Hippytown and live with us for a while (we have more than enough room). And she'll bring her awesome dog. So it will be quite a lively household, with lots going on. I'm really looking forward to it. Though I'm still skeptical and scared sometimes, I'm starting to let myself just enjoy this.
12 comments:
Good job on switching, you deserve it!
Enjoy as much as you can. IF has taken enough from us, letting a little joy in from time to time will do us some good.
You DO deserve the best. You DO.
So...can Al and Charlie and I all move in too? Because I bet your house will be awesome.
Oh, I want to come too! :)
Your plans sound fabulous, and I'm so glad you switched to the nurse midwife. You certainly deserve it.
yay! you should enjoy it :) i am so glad you got in with the better health team and that you are going to get to stay home! that is awesome news!
On the one hand, great that they feel that everything is normal. Enjoy!! On the other hand, don't hesistate to stamp your feet & scream a little if you feel you need some extra reassurance. You've earned it!
I hear what you're saying - it's very hard to make that imaginative leap from 'infertile' to 'pregnant'. I'm glad that you're doing what you can to get the care that you feel happy with, and are starting to make tentative plans to balance freelance work/finishing the dissertation with a few years at home with your child - funnily enough, I'm planning something pretty similar (although without the sister-in-law or dog!)
Bump barn. I love it!! And I'd hate it. Glad you moved on. Good luck with the freelance stuff and staying home. I hope it all works out great.
so glad you switched! who needs to be treated like shit especially still having IF-on-the-brain.
My midwife had the same philosophy about low intervention: only 2 ultrasounds my whole 1st pregnancy and 1 US for my second (just morphological), monthly blood tests and a monthly HOUR+ long visit with her. If I had showed signs of having a prob. pregnancy then she would have upped the visits with appropriate specialists. Care increased the last month with home visits and continued for another month (daily) post-partum.
It was weird and scary sometimes when everyone else I knew with healthy pregnancies was having weekly blood tests and USs. Now I see it was veiled scaremongering on the part of the docs.
These women felt and acted as if every move they made would kill their unborn child. My midwife acted as if what I was going through was so completely normal and natural and helped me trust my body and trust in nature -- it was one of the hardest, but most valuable gestault shift I've ever been through. especially to shake off the evil leftovers of IF.
I'm glad you're seeking care from someone you believe in!
Your visions for your future life sound absolutely delightful!
I am so glad you are enjoying it a bit. You deserve it!!
This post just fills my heart with joy, Shinejil. I'm hoping your child continues to feel more real and less theoretical every day. The others are right - you deserve this.
Pregoposeur -- heh! Been there -- still am, sometimes (although it's now a different kind of posing). And excellent decision on the doc switch. Well done!
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