Another gal from my childbirth class just delivered and sent out a very joyous email to everyone. It really hit me, how inadequate I feel whenever I see something like that. The quiet litany begins: she didn't have to struggle for years to have her baby. She didn't have losses (that I know of). She didn't gain fifty pounds, only to grow some five-pound baby everyone's shitting themselves over. Oh no, she got a nice vaginal birth the way she wanted.
Fuck her, says the still bitter IFer.
I know why I still feel this way. Because I'll never be able to send out an email like that. Not that I don't have every intention of giving birth and coming home with a live child (with any luck at all). It's that for me, no matter how crappy my birth experience, if Bruiser makes it and is basically healthy, there will be no words. It's going to be something like the motherfucking fall of Barad Dur. The end of an entire reign of terror and darkness.
How do you send that kind of redemption around in an email? "Hi, guys! I just wanted to let you all know that my years of torture, exile, and depression are at an end! I no longer look grimly at my life and wish for a case of wine and a dozen mini-cheesecakes to get through the day! So take me off your suicide watch, peeps! Oh, and the L&D nurses were just so great! Good luck, everyone!"
It's just not going to happen. Because I'm so close to success, and I still feel like a bloody failure. Because when I see him, alive and kicking, it will mean I am finally, finally free of this fear.
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16 comments:
Well said! I truly hope you feel that freedom. You are almost there, my friend. :)
I love - love love love - your "Happy email" concept. If I ever get to that point, I'm totally going to find your post and borrow from it shamelessly.
(And I do hope your L&D nurses are totally so great!)
Can't wait to see photos of Bruiser alive & kicking!
FRREEEEEEEEDDDDDDOOOOMMMMMM!
It's that for me, no matter how crappy my birth experience, if Bruiser makes it and is basically healthy, there will be no words. It's going to be something like the motherfucking fall of Barad Dur. The end of an entire reign of terror and darkness.
AMEN.
I don't know. I sort of like your proposed email.
Wishing I was there to drink some tea with you and listen with my ears instead of just reading. Whatever form your redemption takes, and whenever it comes, I hope it does mean true freedom for you.
You are not a failure, my friend. You are a warrior - with the scars that come with triumph.
I don't know, I'd kind of love to see someone send an email like that to balance the other ones!
Yeah, some of it really never goes away. At least your bruiser will be here soon!
I also like the email idea btw.
you are almost there!
I kind of like your proposed e-mail too. Kind of like the brutally realistic Christmas letters people say they are dying to send out to counteract those annoyingly cheerful bragfests that are so common.
P.S. Word verification today is "brave."
I'm gonna go with the others and say that your email ROCKS. Just a gentle reminder to everyone that what matters is the whole live-baby-live-mother thing. The rest is gravy.
I kind of like your announcement. Hugs to you.
I don't know why you can't send an email that says, "I don't even know why I'm bothering to tell you people, since you can't possibly have any idea what this is like. Send on your meaningless congratulations anyway, since you don't have any better ideas of what to do." But of course, at the end of the day, it's YOUR validation, YOUR redemption. They'll never be in your world. So much the better for them, in many ways, but your joys are closed to them, too. It's a funny world. Of course, WE understand... :)
and once you see him alive and kicking, you get a whole nother kind of fear. I rock, don't I? Didn't mean to sound like I was kicking your balloon. (kicking your balloon? wtf kind of phrase is that?)
Although I do think you said it well!
Jeez, you sound like Aram. I mean for sure pregnancy sucks and getting pregnant...well I won't go into it, but DUDE!!! You'll still have YEARS to be miserable. Wait til he's 5 and says the most jerky things you can imagine. Then you'll REALLY ask yourself why.
I can relate to just about every word of this post, shinejil.
Thinking of you, and waiting for news when you have a moment to post.
Dude, you don't want to put that in an email - get fancy announcement cards made up with that on it!
Also, where might I procure the mini cheesecakes?
(Um, I know you are not coming to Indy soon and I am crazy busy, but I have things for you. If you want to send a mailing address I could send them your way.)
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