Why does it feel like every time I get any kind of test to evaluate Bruiser--even the simple u/s we got yesterday--I end up getting smacked down by an anxiety tsunami? We did the u/s to track this mysterious, likely meaningless echogenic patch in his heart, but he refused to budge for the tech. Instead, she did a bunch of measurements and he's running two weeks behind.
This isn't the tragedy that it would be in the first or second tris, of course, and our midwife was good at explaining that (after I'd burst into tears while we were waiting to meet with her in the exam room). My amniotic fluid is on the lower side of normal, which can affect the read out. It's a new machine. Bruiser was in some kind of deep yogic wad (fortunately head down) with feet and arms in a distinctly fetal knot, and was hard to capture (we never did get that blasted heart shot). There's a variation of at least 10 oz to either side, which would still put him into the very normal range. My placenta looks fine, as do my uterine measurements. On and on, the justifications and possibilities go.
Of course, they provide relief--my consistently abnormal body is not about to kill my baby, as I had first feared, and who since the test has decided to exhibit spectacular bursts of movement on a regular basis. But they still don't take away the anxiety: another two weeks, and we'll see if he's grown appropriately. If not, closer monitoring, and most likely worst case scenario would be early induction, though, as my midwife said, "There's no way I'm going to induce you at 33 weeks." I still feel I'm failing, yet again.
And I feel the keen edge of loss, which is always there and makes any little question mark loom huge. Loss is like pomegranate juice: You can think, abstractly, you know what it's like, but until you've tasted it, you don't really know for sure. But once you do know how it tastes, you can never forget it, though you can't describe it to anyone who hasn't tried it. And if you've had to drink it every day, like some of our ALI sisters out there, its flavor lingers everywhere.
So I'm battling the terror that I'm about to be served another glass of pomegranate juice. And this time, it's not my well being or sanity that's at stake; it's a small person's life.
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12 comments:
Oh Shinejil! I can only imagine the anxiety you're feeling now!!
one of the consequences of so much technology and screening is you find out pretty early (and at fairly regular intervals) how well or badly baby is faring against the establishment's charts/parameters.
My midwife opted to do as few ultra sounds as possible -- just the one at 5 months and then did all belly and weight measurements (plus all the blood work). I gained almost no weight with Sweet Pea the last trimester. In fact she was very skinny, smallish but long. She is still in the bottom 3 percentile for her age.
It's sad to have your immense joy of finally being pregnant squelched by worry over your child's health.
and you will worry forever, I'm afraid no matter what -- your kid gets from the flu, breaks an arm... it's all going to seem so cataclysmic at the time and yet we all get through it.
One day at a time. Try to be as soothing and stress-free as possible.
and for god's sake do not let them induce you early!! are they insane? why would it be better to cause a lower birth-weight baby to be born with a premature birth??? every day that child is in your uterus is better for his body and brain.
am sending you love from afar :)
Hang in there hun. Anxiety won't go away ever (not even once Bruiser is grown and out of the house...)
Thinking of you, knowing things will be ok. xox
So scary! I also want to chime in that those scans can be notoriously unreliable. All of my friend's biophysical profiles were off by at least a pound, and the one that was done less than 9 hours before my daughter was born was off by a pound a half. If I were you (and granted I am a very loud, pushy woman on occasion) I'd ask them to redo the scan next week or even tomorrow. There is absolutely no reason you should be spending this time worrying about what could very likely be a misreading on a new machine.
I hope that the next two weeks don't bring too much anxiety for you. Your little yogi is just making the scan difficult, that's all.
There's a full menu of beverages out there for you somewhere. Woman cannot live on pom juice alone.
You are not failing, dear one. The unknown is just so hard, and all the more so when it involves this little person to whom you are so deeply connected. Abiding with you, my friend, and sending you peace and comforting thoughts as you wait, again.
Too much information can be a bad thing, but questionable information is even worse. Uncooperative babies do not help your anxiety. He's telling you he's OK by his movements, so try to trust that until the next scan. Much luck and a little peace of mind until then...
Here from L&F. My little one stopped gaining weight for a while and I stopped growing (my fundal height stopped at 37 cm). They did more measurements in a week and he was back on track. He is perfectly healthy and was when he was born. Those things can be way off which is why they try not to rely on the for size once the baby is all curled up in their baby ball.
I will be thinking of you.
Found you through LFCA. I'm sending you happy, calm thoughts and hoping that everything will be just fine with your little one!!
I can only imagine the crazy thoughts that are racing through your head right now. If it is any comfort at all, during my pregnancy we were told the following things...
- my son had two extra genetic markers in every cell and this is incompatible with life
- he had Femoral Focal Hypoplasia with Unusual Facies syndrome
- his head was too small
- he had borderline Ventriculomegaly
- oh, and we had several scares where he refused to move during the weekly testing toward the end, no matter how much juice I drank and no matter how much the doctor pushed at my stomach
I freaked out over and over with each new diagnosis and crazy test. But you know what? In the end, he was perfect and that's the way I am sure your baby will be too.
I'll be sending tons of positive energy your way!! I hope you find some peace during your home stretch.
So sorry about all the anxiety. I wish there was a way to have an easy anxiety free pregnancy but there hardly ever is. Especially when you've spent every step of the way to getting pregnant just trying so hard to move forward. Hugs to you and I hope everything is measuring ok in a couple of weeks.
Ah, my friend, sometimes I think these tests are designed to test our resilience more than anything to do with the baby. Keep breathing and hanging in there for the home stretch, knowing that at least 10 people I know personally (including many others I know who had trouble conceiving) will be giving birth within a week or two of you and having similar insane experiences. Just remember to keep it sexy .(especially if you don't particularly want to. can't think about it at all!) That's what all this pregnancy and childbirth is about. :)
Hi I am here from Lost and Found. What an interesting analogy about pomegranate juice. I am so sorry that a test that is questionable in accuracy can send you in this painful tailspin. I am willing your baby to show it's yogic strength and movement and to allay your fears. Sending healthy happy fat baby thoughts your way:)
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