An Open Letter to Fertile Folk

I don't need your sympathy. I don't even need your understanding. I really don't need your judgment, comments, or advice, however well meaning. But I'd like to set the record straight.

First: I did not "wait to have kids." I did not put off having children due to some high-powered career. In fact, I divorced my first husband, in part, because he didn't want to start a family when I was ready, which was in my mid-twenties. Even though I was in graduate school. I looked seriously for a partner who would want to get married and have children after my marriage failed. It took me years to find a man I wanted to have children with, and when we made the decision to tie the knot, we got cracking on the kid front immediately. That was three years ago, and no dice. Not even a decent diagnosis.

Second: I would love to adopt, sure. But I need the following things: a) a partner who considers adoption a possible option and not a painful admission of defeat and despair; b) several years; c) several tens of thousands of dollars. If you can't tell me how to acquire these things, you do not have any advice for me. I don't feel strongly that my child would have to be a white, healthy infant. I'd be happy to consider a sibling pair of an ethnic heritage different from mine, even with health challenges. I'd prefer to adopt domestically. I am afraid, however, of my inability to parent a child with severe emotional or developmental problems. I don't know if I'd be able to handle such an important task with requisite compassion and patience. I'm afraid I'd do even more damage to an already struggling human being. Adoption is never about just doing it.

Third: This isn't about Darwinism, or world population. If you're keen on keeping human population low, take that burden on yourself and forgo biochildren and promote rational birth control options. I think we can all recall men and women who had no trouble producing ample offspring and just as easily neglecting them. Plenty of idiots breed, friends. When you cite figures that state that 18% or what have you of women in the 19th century didn't have kids or some such pseudo-social science stat, please state your source. And remember infant mortality. The great majority of that mythical 18% lost their children, often not long after bearing them. How many couldn't conceive is another issue altogether, and one I'd be surprised if you could get any data for. So please, give me a break.

Lastly: I have a life. I have work that I love, artistic pursuits that I pursue, gardens I tend. I will be a complete, happy human being regardless. I am not obsessed with babies and/or having them. I want to give my love to a child, and my husband longs profoundly, viscerally for this child to be his biological child. We honor that wish together, and together we've decided to spend a shitload of money to treat my mysterious physical problem that's apparently in the way. You know, the way you so often spend shitloads of money on useless clothing, electronics, "toys"? We spend money to make our vision for our lives a reality. At this point, it's the only option we agree on as a couple. This option is very intense and time consuming. Kind of like everything else in this world worthwhile.

***
Sorry, dear bloggybuddies, for the silence. Work and an in-law visit has left zero time for blogland, which sucks. I've missed you all! The above screed is what happens when you read the comments to stories like the Well column in the NYT.

More soon--and less in the Rosa Luxemburg mode, I swear!