I had a bad day yesterday. I biked to my obgyn's office for a follow-up pap, seething with the thought of having more problems with my attention-hog ladybits. The office isn't far: about three miles or so. But it's up a big-ass hill. The kind when you shift way down, and you're granny-gearing it up, legs whirling like a windmill, asphalt inching by. I get there, eager to rip my clothes off and get it over with, and lo and behold, there had been a mistake. I should have come the day before. Drat!
On my way home (easier, though with some decent hills in that direction, too), some insane idiot in a pickup decides to run me off the road for no particular reason. He slams on his breaks and horn and nearly causes me to go sliding into a ditch. I screamed at him--he looked like an older guy, so maybe he was impaired in some of his senses or something--flipped him off big time, and got some solace from a kind Prius driver who stopped for a moment to offer solidarity and sympathy. Why do people in ginormous vehicles leading them to gas-tank bankruptcy hate cyclists so? Do they resent our slim physiques and fatter wallets? Is it sort of like me and pregnany ladies (see below)?
I came home, somewhat shaken and pissed as hell, and my guy saw I was upset. Before I knew it, I broke into tears, spilling my guts about how much I hated the obgyn's, how I hated seeing all the dull-eyed, slovenly, stupid women with children growing beneath their rolls of fat, how I felt broken and sometimes wished he would leave me and go find someone else to reproduce with, as I couldn't take the pressure. "I just want to be free!" I kept repeating. "But women are never free." He held me and said that no matter what happens, I'm the best woman for him. He had no idea how profound the suffering I feel is, and how I fight every day to keep it at bay.
The rest of the day sunk no lower, which was good, and I finished up my last full day temping. Today, I'm in for a half-day or so, and then bye-bye office job! And back to the load of stuff I need to do on my dis. It feels like such a relief. I'm glad I made the money, but I hate the drain on my time and my energy, which should be going toward more important tasks.
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Ah, yes. Fuck the big-truck assholes. Sometimes they even try to run me off the road in my tiny car. Something about the propensity of large vehicle drivers to have little dicks, I think. I have once, and only once, honked at a bicyclist, and this was because I was scared as shit by finding one on the tiny country road out by my parents house late at night. This road is beautiful, and on Saturday mornings, you can't drive a car for all of the bicyclers who come out to recreation ride. It's a short-ish ride, with lots of curves and hills, so I can see it's appeal. But the thing is, it's not transportation-riding. It's recreation or fitness riding. It's people who drive their SUVs 20 miles out of the city to ride on this road. And this road is tiny, and narrow, and heavily travelled by autos. The speed limit is 45, there is no shoulder, and a ton of blind hills and winding corners. So, if I was keen on *living*, I probably wouldn't ride my bike there, 'cos it's a road that is travelled by farm boys in big pickups going well over the speed limit. And they'll kill you without so much as a blink.
But anyway, during the day, I think they're crazy, but accept the draw of riding in this area. But at night? On a country road with no lights? No, I'm afraid you get a honk.
Anywho, appparently, I needed to expel my honk-guilt on your blog. Sorry about that.
I am terribly sorry that you had such a crappy response to the gyn appointment. But I'm glad that it gave your guy a chance to get a view on the inner workings of your mind. Sometimes, they really don't realize how things affect us. Men who are with strong women begin to expect that this strength is true to the core, when frequently, that isn't the case.
And yay for the release from the office job! I'm not far behind you, and I can't wait!
what an suv-gas-whoring-ignot! sorry you were so shaken up. the old guy could have just spilled coffee in his lap or something...
sometimes those releases are really necessary. I'm glad at least your hub has a better idea of where you're at and can support you. it just has to surface sometimes, and I find it's when I'm at my most tired and vulnerable moments...
Hey there! Just a note from a NCLMer and trying to get caught up (Even tho I was late to sign up for the list!) Please visit my blog today if you have a chance as I am trying to make people aware of Bone Marrow Donation...yes I know, my site is mostly about Surrogacy but you know how THAT goes!
Sorry you had such a rotton day, and I hope that things get better once you are done temping!I hope to visit again when I get back from Vacation!
Hugs
Sharon
http://infertilityanswers.typepad.com/surrogacy_101/
I'm sorry it was such a crummy day!
Yeah, it sounds like truck guy was impaired in some of his senses, alright. Like his sense of decency, or his sense of safety, or his sense of common. Wait, that last bit sounds funny...
Glad you made it home in once piece and that your man was able to hear you. I hold it all in most of the time, too, so I can definitely relate.
So did the obgyn manage to get you in? I certainly hope so since you were so eager to rip your clothes off.
I too have noticed that people who drive large cars are often (obviously not always) carrying around a huge sense of bitter entitlement. That is why I knife their tires.
Uh. Just kidding.
But I think about it.
And good guy - of course you are the woman for him. How could you not be? You're Shinejil! The teller of fantastic tales and buyer of delicious cheeses!
Isn't it amazing that bad shit happens ALL AT THE SAME TIME? I am constantly amazed by it. What a terrible, horrible, rotten day you had - I can only sigh and nod since I too have had those kind of days (although never getting run off the road). Hugs.
We all have those moments where the dam that we have put in place to prevent the flow of all of these emotions begins to crack and slip - sometimes, though, it is best to let it break, let all of those feelings pour forth and deluge. It's ugly but temporary and almost certainly you feel better afterwards.
I recommend the following: 1) calming, soothing evening reading or gardening. 2) foot rubs from your hubby. 3) meditation. 4) just plain old good living.
Remember it's all about the peaks and valleys. Hang in there.
Well, I clicked over to tell you that I went to the endo doc today and my tsh is 1.2! It was 7.something when we started last June. Finally! I don't have to go back until October, OR if I get pregnant. I feel like I got an A on my report card. :)
But WOW! First, you rode your BIKE to the gyno's!?! Kudos to you for that! You probably won't find me doing that, but I do detest a huge SUV. Escalades and the like are just obnoxiously selfish, in my opinion.
Hopefully you guys will have some luck with the baby thing soon. I know it's frustrating, but hang in there.
Thinking of you, and hoping that the upcoming days are WAY better. Hugs
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