You know, there are no good ways open to American women to deal with anger. If you're angry, you're a bitter bitch and no one wants to hang around that, right? Who could hang with a harpie?
The funny thing about IF is you're angry at something intangible. It's not fair to blame your poor body, which really is struggling to do what it can. You can't blame your doctors, who are actually getting you closer to what you've wanted so powerfully. You can blame my cat, or society. And while that's amusing, it's somehow not quite right.
I will assign blame, though, to our culture, as nebulous as that may be. I mean, come on! What American fool came up with the notion that life would be good to us? I was talking to my Israeli friend, with whom I often have interesting conversations. She's a very straight-talking gal, though never unkind. I was telling her very honestly about the emotional cocktail I've been imbibing of late, and she was confused as to why I and her other American buddies seemed to have such a need to convince themselves that all would be well and turn out a-okay. That's just not part of her culture, and with the struggles and sorrows of her ancestors, that makes complete sense. From her perspective, there are absolutely no guarantees of happiness, so you have to enjoy the little things and take heart in all that's tolerable in your existence.
Her approach seems grim and unsatisfying at first glance, Sartre and Woody Allen commiserating on a particularly gloomy day. But then again, where do I get off expecting a rose garden? And who the hell are those idiots around me who can't deal with sorrow, loss, fear or even the slightest mention thereof, without leaping to advice, dismissal, denial?
So yeah, I'll blame society. And give thanks for the understanding and love that I have.
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12 comments:
OMG I TOTALLY agree with you!!! Although MUCH less eloquent, that's what I was trying to say here.
I often wonder if we had been of the generation that grew up during the Depression (and we may be now), if we would have to same sense of entitlement that we do. And, I think pretty much most Americans have this sense - our country is built on the value that if you work hard enough for something, you'll get it. This is a fallacy. I will never be a brain surgeon. I will never be President. And, I'm totally ok with that.
But, if you look at having a family from this mindset - and it seems like a cake walk in compared to becoming a brain surgeon - you think that just a few bits of hardwork and you're on your way! But, no. So, you learn the hard, but very valuable lesson, that you are not entitled to anything more than anyone else, no matter what storied life you have lead up until now.
Your friend is absolutely right. And, I'm so sad that we have to learn this lesson - either in Israel or through infertility - but it is a good lesson because it teaches you to appreciate what you have. What you have worked so hard to get.
Many hugs, my dear.
Heh. As long as you've found SOMEONE to blame!
To me of more concern is not the fact that we Americans expect happiness, but rather that if we don't get happiness, it MUST be someone else's fault.
God usually gets the blame, though generally those that so easily assign that blame to him are the ones who also ponder what random act they've committed so as to anger Him, which at least indirectly assumes some amount of self-responsibility.
But if not God, the government is a good second choice, and regardless of whether you're a conservative or a liberal, you can always find some policy somewhere that is the cause of your woes- not enough intervention or too much intervention.
If the government doesn't satisfy our blame lust, we can always find some way to pin it to our parents (mommy was a booze-hound and daddy didn't love me- that must be why I have no money in my account at the end of the month). Failing that, you can blame your company, your boss, your professor, the administration at school, or even the postman for gosh sakes.
But if you're American, the only place where blame must NEVER be put is on yourself. Under no circumstances should you look at yourself and wonder whether you're making good choices or if you are learning from mistakes or whether you're self-reliant enough to weather those mistakes, etc.
It just comes down to patriotism, really. To blame yourself is just pinko...
I am totally nominating your cat to blame everything on.
Couldn't get into my parking garage this am? Blame shinejil's cat!
Too many meetins, ruined dinner, plant died, lost my keys? Blame Shinejil's cat. . .
I'm all over this. . .
Ah, but we were only promised "life, liberty and the *pursuit* of happiness". We're the idiots who thought "pursuit of" meant we'd get it. Rather than guarantee endless satisfaction that promise seemed to doom Americans to constantly search for happiness, never stopping to think that it might be what they have already.
Good post!
The fact that you came up with a metaphor like "Sartre and Woody Allen commiserating on a particularly gloomy day" just made my misery lift a wee bit. I super puffy heart you, Shinejil.
Oh, and I totally blame society, too. Totally.
It could be worse, shinejil. You could be British, and then you'd have to be all stiff-upper-lippish and repressed about expressing any kind of emotion!
On a more serious note, though, I think you are so right about how IF leaves you feeling angry, but with nowhere to direct that anger. If you direct it towards your own body, you open yourself up to self-loathing; if you direct it towards the rest of the world - the ones who seem to be able to have babies without even thinking about it - then you run the risk of turning into a hateful, bitter and twisted old infertile.
I think that it does become extraordinarily difficult to balance a belief that everything will work out (if we didn't have that faith, then none of us would ever put ourselves through another treatment) with the knowledge that, as your Israeli friend says, there are no guarantees.
Oh, sweetie! I wish I had some comforting words. Mostly I'm sad rather than angry. Sometimes I get angry at my ex for possibly wasting the last of my fertility, but that's not really fair. Besides, at the time I had no idea that I had a big endometrial polyp in the way. Although, if I hadn't been with him, maybe I would have met someone else who would have helped me get the insurance I needed to find out about and deal with the polyp. Then again, I was already over 40 when I met my ex, so it might have been moot at that point anyway. ACK!
Can I be angry about the f#*ked up healthcare system in this country?
I too have thought before that as American's we are taught to believe (it's the cornerstone of our culture almost) that if we only work hard enough and want something bad enough we can acheive it. If we don't acheive it we must not have put forth the effort needed. Really though when you look at it, this simply isn't true and ends up leaving many people very unhappy with what they have in life as it's not "what they wanted".
The other nice thing about being in a culture where bad moods are acceptable is you are allowed to be miserable and grumpy; people don't feel it's their duty to "cheer you up" all the time.
It's nice to just be able to wallow in it and have someone -- even a random stranger -- give a knowing nod or understanding sigh.
wow smart friend!
It is soo hard not to feel glum and down when things aren't working out they way you expected and planned, but its true, whos to say we should have it all, be happy all the time, get everything we want. I guess we have been sorta taught/brought up that way. Very interesting!
Amber stole my comment. ; ) Of course, as a Canadian, I am not entitled to anything so thrilling & enobling as "life, liberty & the pursuit of happiness" -- for us, it's a somewhat duller "peace, order & good government." ; )
At any rate, I agree with you that as women, we can't win when it comes to anger. Personally, I think we're entitled!
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