So, I've gotten to that long, dull period (excuse the pun) when I'm sitting around, drumming my fingers on the desk and gazing distractedly at the calendar. My hCG came back at 100 last Friday, so it's declining adequately, but at the halving rate it's making, I'll still be "pregnant" biochemically until sometime in fucking November.
Oh, pardon my French. Me? Bitter? No!
Then I have to wait one natural cycle (I think) until they'll let me get cracking with my stims and needles. And who knows what confusion awaits my poor, poor ladybits once the hCG bottoms out. Sigh.
But here, my dears, is the silver lining. Being from the Midwest, I've been taught to find one at all costs (or if one cannot be found, to drink myself into oblivion). I can drink coffee if I please! Guzzle Bernaise! Eat buffalo tartare--and I do like my meat gamey and rare, savage that I am. I can bungy-jump, run, go to the sauna. I can't even entertain the thought that I might be pregnant, that I might be deluding myself into thinking I'm pregnant, that my delusions will simply serve to make me miserable. This is something of a respite from my mental labors of the past few years.
But I'm still pissed. Pissed I have to sit idle, enjoying all the negative aspects of pregnancy (with the exception of the food and drink and activity restrictions) and none of the potential benefits. Only to have to go through it all again, with both more hope and more despair written into the equation.
So, body, snap to it and sort all this crap out. Stop giving me cramps and yeast infections. You're not gestating!
I'll be in the game room until it's over.
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9 comments:
This waiting for things to drop part really blows. It isn't fun, it isn't fair and it just sucks.
you're definitely entitled to being bitter -- for goodness sake, if you can't be, then who can????
now i'm going to pour myself a HUGE glass of wine and eat beef carpaccio some while i mark grade one spelling tests. then perhaps i'll go to a hot yoga class when i'm done!
;)
You have every right to be pissed. You got a shitty deal on this one, babe, and I'm still angry for you. It sucks, no matter how you look at it, and the fact that you can drink coffee is small consolation, but not the prize that you really wanted.
Here's the thing though - I think it's ok to be bitter, to be angry, to rant and rave. You are human and you've had a terrible time of it, so go ahead, be bitter. Be angry, shake your fist at the sky - better out than in.
And, then, treat yourself to a delicious glass of a nice smooth red wine. You've earned it.
Go for it! Consume forbidden foods with abandon! Dive to the bottom of the ocean! Immerse your body in hot wax! Take lots of recreational drugs! Well maybe not that last one.
A few years ago I went to France during a 2WW. I stayed away from all soft cheeses due to listeria, since French cheese isn't usually pasteurized. Once I got my BFN, you had better believe that I made up for lost time with every soft cheese I could find.
I kind of know what you mean. After my first miscarriage, I was so angry at my still remaining pregnancy symptoms. Even after the D&C, I was throwing up daily for at least a week. It pissed me off to no end, the futility of it all!
Hang in there, the symptoms will eventually desist.
I'm so sorry that everything isn't dropping more quickly, and that you are still trapped in this limbo.
...but glad to hear that you are at least able to consume all these forbidden fruits! Have an extra glass of wine for me!
I recommend drinking heavily until you forget why you're pissed. But then I'm probably not a good person to ask. :/
Ugg. That just sucks that the hcg isn't dropping better than that. I'm so sorry. I hope it is all over soon.
What a cruel joke, that you have to wait for this "fake pregnancy" for so long, just a drawn-out reminder. I'm so sorry, truly. It's not fair and you deserve better. I forget-- are you doing acupuncture presently?
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