I used to think I didn't really get the jokes and gripes about in laws. Until recently. My guy's mom has flipped out, and this is the only place I can really come to grips with it, as my guy (understandably) feels very sensitive about it. Any advice/sympathy/similar tales welcome.
It all started when her house got broken into for the, oh, third time this year. Yes, you read that right: three robberies in seven months. For a long time, she'd taken to leaving her door open, as "they'll just break in anyway." After the second robbery, we convinced her to start locking her door. But for number three, the amateurs (who I suspect are meth heads--she's way out in the styx) broke a window in the door. For the third time, she called my guy in tears.
But my guy is a man. A manly man. He doesn't want merely to comfort; he wants to SOLVE. She got really upset with him for refusing to simply be her shoulder to cry on and hung up on him. A couple times. He was urging her to get some gates from her driveway, or a dog, or an alarm system. Anything. But no, she wouldn't hear of it. So my poor guy's left feeling so angry at the thieves, he could strangle them, and so angry at his mom for her seeming willingness to be repeatedly victimized.
Maybe a week or so later, she calls from a local eye clinic with a torn retina. She's being sent to a city an hour away for urgent surgery, maybe, and thus, "I need you to be on standby." I unfortunately, in my sleep-deprived, hormone-fogged haze, didn't think to pass the phone along to my husband. She was whispering rather disjointedly into the phone, and I barely understood what was up. Then, as my guy who was rightfully frustrated at my poor secretarial skills, tries over and over to call her cell, to page her through work, but no reply for several hours. We had friends coming over for dinner, something we had had planned for months. She did find someone to drive her there and back, but she decided that we didn't give a shit, even though her son desperately tried to reach her for hours. She, as a policy, just doesn't answer her cell.
Then, a week or so after that, a pipe bursts and her entire house is filled with several inches of water. Instead of, oh, I don't know, calling a plumber, she calls her son in a hysterical panic about the feet of water, how everything is ruined, and how he has to come over right away with a broom. He replies that he'll bring the shop vac and a pump as soon as he can, but that he just got home from a long day's work and need to grab a quick bite to eat, she hangs up on him. He spends five hours that night, helping her.
The next day, after getting read the (inappropriate) riot act by irrational me for putting up with behavior that made him crazy, he wrote her an email. It was somewhat scathing, noting that he couldn't think of any of his friends' parents who would call their kids instead of a pro, and then hang up on them when they said they were going to eat quickly before heading out. He also noted that while she likes to talk the talk about being an independent woman who can look down on men, she doesn't walk the walk. All true, by the way: she loves drama on some level, and gets mileage from playing the victim. Men are usually the ones doing the victimizing.
Things got worse from there: soon my MIL was accusing my husband, one of the most soulful and empathetic people I've known, of being heartless and cruel. Some typical passive-aggressive moves were made ("well, I just won't call you about anything ever again" and "I've printed out the email and will save it"), without the slightest recognition of my guy's feelings. She hung up on him several more times, before the final hang up that promoted my guy to throw up his hands. They haven't spoken since.
The problem isn't that she has problems or crises in her life; it's the completely self-centered hysteria added to a tendency to denigrate my husband when he doesn't obey, all while relying on his skills and strength to carry her. I know my guy will work something out eventually, and I tell him that she's wrong about him being a bad man. But the whole thing is kind of hanging around out there, with a grandkid on the way. I'm not sure how to deal with this kind of behavior on her part, especially if a kid's involved. It's really hard to stay neutral when someone's acting so crazy with so little provocation...
6 comments:
Yikes. It's almost like she's afraid to be "replaced" by the baby as the Most Helpless Member of the Family or something.
I'm glad your guy has you to support him (and write such kind things about him to boot). I hope that his mother figures out how to be a mother (and grandmother) soon.
Yeah, that sounds awfully manipulative and he can't give in to it because she'll just think she can do it again.
Ug. Relatives.
But on the bright side...you get to have Indian food with me tomorrow! Ok, so that doesnt fix anything, does it...
Oh jeeze... just what you need, huh? Stress. I hope she can calm down her crazy antics!!
Sounds a bit like an attention getting scheme. You know, with baby on the way she's no longer going to be first or second in line of attention. Two options I can see are wait until she makes a move or just pretend like nothing happened and all is great and sunny. The second one just might annoy her as much as she's annoying you if you could pull it off.
I hear ya, sister.
This is so much more than any of you needs right now (or ever).
My husband's relationship with his mother is quite unusual because he doesn't take any of her crap, but it works reasonably well for him. She dishes a lot of crap, so it would be easy to get sucked in. Like last year when she called begging for $5k for medical expenses. He said no, because we don't have that extra money (esp. with all that we spent on IF last year) and because it's her choice not to earn money at a real job. She told him how heartless he was, and he stood his ground. At our next visit, she was so excited to show us her new plasma TV. If we had given her $5k for "desperate" medical needs and then showed up to see that TV, I seriously would have taken it out of her house to use for ourselves.
His relationship with her isn't ideal, certainly, nor is it satisfactory to either of them. But, it's probably as good as it can get without DH totally stifling his own emotions and needs.
Directness has worked best in dealing with her. For example, using the eye surgery example you gave, instead of listening to lectures about being a bad son, he would simply say that if she needs help then she needs to be reachable to receive that help, and then refuse to discuss it further.
We are in the midst of a trip to visit her right now and twice yesterday DH said to her, "Stop with the drama." And then she stopped immediately, just turned it off like a switch. It was awesome - and goes to show that she's more in control of her emotions than she seems.
Good luck, ugh.
gads, awful. I never knew how to deal with drama queens like this before. But now after having kids and being fully immersed in the toddler stage (the apex of drama) and reading lots of great child psych books I am now can handle all the whiny irrational crap adults I come across dish out. It's awesome!!
It'll be important to read some really good parenting books (Elizabeth Pantley, Haim Ginott, Faber&Mazlich, Ames&Ilg) to get the skills needed to deal with a child's natural, immature behavior.
Once you experience even just a handful of successful situations with a child, you will realize the very same attitudes (it's all about confidence!) and strategies work on immature, needy, irrational adults who like to keep acting like they're 3.
I hope your man finds an effective way to deal with her!
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