Well, at least research and writing, that is. My scholarly ambitions have lifted me out of my heavy IF ponderings for the moment, and somehow it's a great relief to be scouring old Soviet histories for a mention--just one little tidbit!--about a long-lost writer/activist in the wild, wild East. But I'd better leave it there, before I blow my blog cover. Suffice it to say that I'm happily pounding away at my first dis chapter, slowly, very slowly trying to tie all sorts of wacko threads together, just to tell the simplest of stories. Let me just say that I envy all you academic suckers who can find most of what you need on Google Books. I've also been getting stuff together for various conferences, where this trick pony gets to prance for potential employers.
All is quiet, meanwhile, on the fertility front. I'm currently in waiting mode--not the truly maddening 2ww, but waiting to pump myself full of drugs and get cracking. I feel like I've crossed a threshold emotionally, in that I feel what I've felt for months (years?!?) but those feelings don't bother me. Even the dreaded absolute worse case scenario seems like something I could figure out, with help from things like research positions, triathlons, world travel, the coolest damn farm in the world. There's lots to do out there, in other words, if parenting doesn't wind up being an option. I feel as if my world has expanded again to include all the places, passions, and ideas once masked by my intense focus on fertility.
At the same time, I can't help but anticipate these coming medicated IUI cycles. Part of me is already thinking, shit, what if I'm pregnant when this or that happens? Part of me absolutely refuses to plan seriously for pregnancy. The mere thought of, say, buying some sort of baby paraphernalia seems as odd a notion as buying a scuba tank or a branding iron. I think my mind can't wrap itself around the fact that it might actually happen, and to me. Is this some sort of denial? Could it be that I am truly and honestly apathetic--not ambivalent, mind you, but apathetic?
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2 comments:
What you ponder as apathy is actually protecting yourself from the pain of possible disappointment. At least, that's how I diagnose my own sense of apathy. I wish you luck in this journey, and will be following along!
Thanks for the encouragement, AB, and the company on this wacky road. I think you're right: apathy or neutrality are protective.
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