Unexpected Peace

I didn't think this blog would be about feeling at ease. I thought I would rant and rave and gnash my gnarly teeth and whip myself up into a cathartic frenzy. And perhaps I do. But my anger feels like I'm riding a spirited horse: My heart pounds, but I'm laughing, too.

This is going to sound horribly cheesy, but yesterday I did some yoga and afterward felt so at ease and content that I was surprised. How can I be about to launch on a shit journey, and feel so carefree? Did I drink out of the same cup as our friendly neighborhood rimpoche? Is it the calm before the storm, or have I actually, really learned something? All this in my usually grumpy luteal phase, too!

Even the darkest times of my life seem, well, acceptable to me now. I feel such sadness for the poor confused gal I was, tossed on a sea of poorly conceived attempts to feel something, learn about the world, and of course get some pleasure in the bargain. I got more than I bargained for. But somehow, I don't feel ashamed about who I was when I was at my worst. I quickly lost all notion of myself as a "good person." That's helping me now with IF: I don't have to be nice, polite, friendly, good to the world at large. Why should I feel bound to make nice with those around me, when they can't be bothered to make the slightest effort to understand me?

Let's just claim the luxury of being blunt and self-protective for once, since our coping mechanisms are busy getting us through these rough times. We'll get back to being nice later.