Oh boy! The Reds woke me up this morning, not with pain but with a swish that sent me leaping from bed to the bathroom. That means games begin on Thursday.
I'm looking at my categorical line of yesterday, and wondering if it will hold. I realized last night at the gym that I need to set this up as a more flexible partnership with my guy. Meaning we need to talk all this over and see if we can't hash out something that works for both of us. Yesterday, I felt like presenting my feelings as a fait accompli and plopping them in his lap. Now I long to tell him what I feel, the fear, anguish, disgust, where I feel my line is.
And I do feel a real aversion. I know I could tolerate all the drugs and procedures somehow (you're talking to someone who's traveled by herself across Eurasia repeatedly. If I can handle that, I can do IVF), but I just don't want to dedicate several years of my life to this junk. I can't. I mean, getting treatment is basically a part-time (or even full-time) job. Though I may qualify for the position, I don't want it.
Isn't it funny, how people accuse you of being selfish for wanting to pursue treatment, yet now I feel selfish for wanting to do other things with my life, like write, research, teach, farm, travel? You just can't win in this game.
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2 comments:
I've read your last two posts with a great deal of sympathy and empathy. I was where you are, a year ago. We are the best judges of how much we can take and what is right, and so often we ignore the wild "sixth sense" that we are innately born with. You know what is right, and I don't envy the challenge of articulating that to your spouse, when you feel you will break a dream that he has. But you would be suprised what communication does, and often we find that our loved ones are more understanding and empathetic than in our imaginings. If you are honest and sincere with him, he will not only listen but hear you. After all, he loves you, and I hope that verbalizing your line brings you two to a common ground.
So I started to highlight a chunk of what you just wrote about how to present your feelings to paste here, 'cause I was like "I am feeling this soooo much." And then I saw another part that I was like "I love her continued use of metaphor for menstruation." And then I was like, I love the thoughts on being perceived as selfish.
And then I realized I had highlighted your whole post.
So, um, good post.
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