I just got home from a helpful talk with my therapist. We talked about my feelings of making great efforts to understand and accommodate my husband's needs (i.e. must have biochild or else), but that I'm struggling to find space for my needs in all this. My needs are easy to articulate: I don't really care if I ever have a biochild. I want a life filled with many things. Motherhood doesn't necessarily have to be part of it, though I'd welcome and savor it. If I were mysteriously on my own in this, I'd make peace with using acupuncture and thyroid management and just let the chips fall where they may.
I realized as I talked with her--or actually ranted about my feelings--how much I hate, and I mean HATE, even the first "easy" stage of this process. Just trying to get my script for Cl0mid and the HCG shot made my skin crawl. I was downright surly when the pharmacy dude said that my insurance wouldn't cover anything. "I know," I replied. "My insurance sucks big, hairy balls." I was surprised that that phrase slipped out, and with such matter-of-fact brusqueness. Of course, they didn't have the shot crap in stock and had to order it, so I pick up the whole mess tomorrow. Though who knows when I'll take it. The Red Army is biding its time in the Lenin Club or something playing checkers. I'm both frustrated and relieved: Judging by my reaction to hormonal meds in the past (horrible, awful, life darkening), I'm going to be feeling wretched soon.
When I detest something, I don't do it. No, I don't mean that if something is hard, I won't do it, but when something is absolutely wrong for me and I know it, I find a way not to do it, even if it means doing something ten times harder. Despite this character flaw? asset? of mine, I was still surprised as I walked home to discover my mind stating firmly, "I am NOT going to do IVF." It was as if my brain finally had the information it needed to make that call. My feelings at the pharmacy, at my therapist's, in general added up to that feeling that IVF was my line, and that that was okay. Perhaps a line in the sand, but I'll draw it nonetheless. I just don't want to invest the requisite time, energy, bodily stamina, financial resourses, etc. into that procedure. I don't care enough for it to seem worth the hardship.
Yes, you're looking at someone who loves spending time with kids, but couldn't care less if she ever has one. I'm different from many women in this regard.
By the way, I have nothing against IVF. I respect the women who go through it the way I respect women who train for and run marathons. But I'm just not up to it, at least not the way I feel now.
But how do you tell your partner that you have limits? Why is it hard for me to imagine that he'll honor my limits, just as I honor his aversion to adoption?
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6 comments:
Please don't take this the wrong way, but I love your perspective. No, I don't mean that I love that you're struggling with this IVF situation, but it's refreshing to hear your attitude, that is, you know your boundaries. I was thinking last night, my God, do I really want a biochild this bad or is it just that I can't stand the feeling that I can't get this done. I appreciate your honesty. Seriously. (For what it's worth, for me, the phyiscal effects and trials of IVF, shots, drugs, etc. was/is a breeze (though it's fun to bitch about), it's the disapointment of failed IVFs that makes me mental).
This may not seem like much to you, but I think it is wonderful and very smart of you to recognize what you are and are not willing to do. You are no shrinking violet who will go along with something because it seems like the thing to do and that is critical in something like this. It seems like there are so many people out there who kind of drift through life letting others make choices for them. You are not one of those people.
But, you know where I'm going to go. You need to talk about this with Mr. Sluggish. Mr. X and I have periodically discussed what we are and are not willing to do to have a child and have been thankfully on the pretty much the same page. I think the best way to do it is to ask him point blank, how far do you want to go? Now is the time to do it and it is really critical. He may be having the same feelings that you are and thinks that you are incredibly invested in the process so that he doesn't want to say anything. Or, he may need some time to get used to the line that you have drawn (which I do think is your line to draw given how much the woman has to go through). Of course, at any point, you can tell me to sneak back over to my blog, sit down and be quiet. :)
I do want to say, however, that I really admire you for recognizing your limits and drawing the line. And I admire you even more for admitting to yourself (and the blogosphere) that you can envision a life for yourself without children. That to me is the key to freeing yourself from the tyranny of IF. Good for you!
Thank you, thank you, Melanie and Mrs. X. I really appreciate your insights. It's funny how the whole process can have a momentum of its own, and knowing my obsessive self, I feel now's the time to say here's where I can't go.
Mrs. X: You're totally right on all counts about talking. I'm waiting for the best opportunity. We're planning a hike this Sunday, so I think that's when I'll broach the subject. I want him to hear me, really hear me, if he can.
"My insurance sucks big, hairy balls."
I totally feel like responding this way to everyone. Maybe I will use this as my answer for all questions from now on, whether it is IF related on not.
My situation is different, in that my partner is also a woman of childbearing age/desire. But I see some parallels:
My partner had a very clear line: she would not try more than six times and would not go beyond medicated IUIs. Her line wasn't tested, as she got pregnant on tries one and four (the one that stuck).
My line is entirely different: I am willing to (even want to) do IVF in order to maximize my chances with the three vials of donor sp#rm that we have left.
She thinks I'm taking it way too far and is happy to stick with one kiddo. I want two, but would be happy to adopt should the IVF plans not work out.
One more line from her, though: she is diametrically opposed to adoption. She has this horrible idea that adopted kids are damaged. I couldn't disagree more, but there we are.
You're right that when it's a battle of the lines, someone's going to get hurt... maybe both parties get hurt.
I wish you the best in collaborating and negotiating with your husband. Hopefully you'll come to a decision that you both feel comfortable with!
Hey, Io, sometimes the "big, hairy balls" response is the best we got. Especially re: insurance.
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