No matter how hard I try, a tiny bit of hope is creeping into my heart. I'm not spotting, and that's basically why. I'm likely about to get my period and it's next to impossible that any sperm could have been hardy enough to wait around for my egg which popped out right after colpo time (yes, fate makes yet another funny. Ha ha). My veins are also coursing with enough thyroid hormone for our entire block, which means my monthly visitor may take her time.
But there's always that little, tiny voice that says, "But, but, but odd things happen all the time!" And they do, just not odd pregnancy things. Not to me.
I'm not the kind of gal who POAS regularly. In fact, I've barely done so at all, over all these months and years of TTC. Strangely, I'd rather wait and see the inevitable red than see one pink line. It just seems like a waste to me. I mean, if I'm pregnant, my period won't show. If I'm not, it will. End of story. When an experience has repeated itself so many times that you're inured to it, you just can't imagine it turning out any other way. My experience tells me, "You are never pregnant," so I don't even bother to check.
Even the teensy spasm of hope seems stale. I've been through it before, and can't seem to get myself excited about it, beyond the satisfaction that all seems to be well with my body this cycle.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
You have so exactly captured how I feel about this, as well. Especially this: "When an experience has repeated itself so many times that you're inured to it, you just can't imagine it turning out any other way." I don't bother to POAS anymore either...I hope for you that your disappointment isn't repeated this time.
It may be repeated, but that's okay. It's lovely to have someone understand the feeling. Thanks.
Hope is such a bitch. Even *I* occasionally have split seconds where I think - maybe the doctor diagnosed A_ wrong and he really just has low sperm counts but one of them found an egg and made me pregnant!
Even though that is *so* not possible. It's this horrible feeling of having no hope, combined with the occasional spark of hope - only to be plunged deeper when I realize that would be crazy.
...and now I *am* starting to sound crazy, so I will back away slowly...
Hope sucks. Can't tell you how many pregnancy tests I've wasted. It's almost easier now--the doctor tells me when to come in for my blood test, and that's when I go.
I pretty much always think I'm going to be pregnant. Even after almost 3 years of trying, 3 failed IUI cycles, and some IVF with limited success (managed to get "sort of" pregnant). If I've had sex that month, possibility of pregnant is on my mind. Like this month. I'm just not sane anymore...
Post a Comment