I'm sure all of you out there have had/are having the Conversation: that dialog that stretches for months and years about "our problem." My husband and I haven't been engaging in it as much lately, thanks to our various distractions. But I've been building up to a crashing new movement in our symphony. It began on a forte note this morning as we drove to visit our sick cat.
I don't know how we got started. It was the worst possible time to get my guy into a serious discussion: He was heading to work, we were first stopping to see the pitiful furry patient, our time was limited. But it just happened. My hopes of hashing things out thoughtfully in the woods were dashed.
Things didn't go very well at first (we're both passionate hotheads). I began to express myself categorically against IVF and discuss some of my concerns that a child will bring just as many problems as s/he will solve, and I got called a coward who doesn't really want to have a baby. Shit, them was fighting words, so I struck back, noting among other things who was likely to be doing the majority of the parenting and housework, and who had the advanced degree and spoke five languages, etc. It got ugly for a few minutes, but then simmered down as I actually started making my emotional point and he begrudgingly listened despite his dismay.
Somehow, we came to enough of a detente that we could go in and spend a half hour with our catheter and tube-bedecked feline. She's improving, though slowly, and I think she'll be home in a week or so. She purred when we petted her little head, the only part of her sticking out from a nest of heating pads and towels. It was messed up, but cute. In a weird, sad way.
After our vet visit, we rode into his work, which isn't far away. But by the time we got there, we were listening to each other and he was trying to figure out what we could do to make this work for both of us. Including delaying the Western medical treatment for a while and sticking to getting my cycles strong with what's been working so far: thyroid treatment and acupuncture. I just haven't gotten pregnant.
I told him that my biggest problem was time: By the time we see if we need IVF, I just won't have the strength or will to go on. I will be certifiable. I can't stand this bloody build-up, and I told him that I feel that Cl0mid is just a big waste of time. Why take a stupid drug that barely works to do what my body already does (ovulate) and then bother to drive hours to get a sperm injection, all for a measly 10% success rate per cycle and hundreds of senselessly spent dollars? How is that sound medicine?
Why not just do what actually has a chance of improving our chances (i.e. injectables) and stick to that for, say, 5 or 6 cycles before calling it a day? Or why not just say fuck it and go straight to IVF for a few rounds, spend the money, and then suck it up if it fails? Why the hell should I waste months of my time and energy on a stupid treatment that has nothing to do with any possible reason what I'm not getting pregnant? He seemed to get that, after I repeated myself a couple times. :)
By the way, if anyone can explain the logic of giving 3 months of C IUIs to a woman who ovulates regularly and has great progesterone, but hasn't gotten pregnant in 2.5 years, I'm all ears. I know the bit about needing less monitoring and being cheaper, but do the savings really add up? How much "better" would my ovulation on C be? When REs have no clue, do they just go through these nonsense steps in treatment for lack of a better idea?
Anyway, I did some things on campus, came back to his work, and he gave me a quick ride home. On the way, he said, "You know, we haven't been talking about this much lately, and I think that either I've been avoiding the issue or maybe you've been reluctant to bring it up because you didn't want to deal with my reaction." I told him that both were true. "We need to discuss this regularly, and keep checking in to see how we feel and what we want to do," he stated. Good job, guy! You got it! At least the main part of it. Yippee! Score one for hubby!
We'll hammer out the details over the next few days. Or weeks. Or months... Meanwhile, I'd appreciate any assvice. Feel free to wantonly put yourself in my shoes. Pretend money is no object, and that you wanted to get the most bang for your time. What would you do?
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5 comments:
Be careful when you ask for assvice from Mrs.X! First off, yay for you for talking with your guy even if the timing may not have seemed to be perfect (trust me, it never is). It sounds like it was a good talk and that he is really open to having more. Fabulous!
And now for the assvice. I'll tell you why we went to IVF after 6 IUIs with injectibles. The last three IUIs, I would get ovarian cysts from the medication and we would be benched for a month. So it was literally one month on, one month off and it was getting very tiring. IVF may still cause those cysts, but it is a lot more aggressive and we have a higher rate of success. We were getting really frustrated and had been at this game for 2+ years with no live baby to show for it. So, IVF was the ultimate answer. Although, at the beginning of this journey, IVF seemed to me to be the ultimate in failure because it seemed like you just couldn't do it any other way. Now I don't feel that way, but it took me a while to get there mentally and physically.
The ultimate question is how quickly do you want this and what is going to get you there?
ps - glad to hear your kitty is on the mend. I'll give my two a kiss for yours.
I'm happy you shared your experience with me, Mrs. X. It's very helpful to see how someone else came to their decisions. The cysts would make me batty. I see why moving on felt like the most sanity-preserving and time-efficient option.
Thanks for your wishes for our cat. Once again, hope proves a bitch.
I just found your blog & read the whole thing. I couldn't believe how many of the things you've been writing about apply to me too, from hypothyroidism & colposcopies to parents moving a piano for us and a love for the Muppets (I had a Dr. Teeth & the Electric Mayhem poster on my dorm wall in university -- although that's when the show was actually still on the air!!). I also have feminist views and had some reservations about treatment and just how far we should take it (as well as negotiating with dh on that point). Good luck with your cycle, & I will be back to check on how it's going!
What a man you've got there! I'm really relieved and happy to hear that your conversation was productive. You sound like you two have such a strong relationship, and that will help the right things happen. I completely agree with your assessment of the IUI's: I am also someone who ovulates just fine, had strong progesterone, all systems go, and looking back, the IUI's just seemed stupid. I supposed if one of them had worked, I wouldn't be saying that...
I'm squarely in the IUIs and Clomid are fine for some people, but when time and better odds were available via IVF, well, we took the plunge. It's a big leap but I had to know that we were doing everything available to get us to closer to our goal. I don't regret it in the least because I know now that we gave it our best shot.
P.S. as a hopeless cat lover, I'm sending my best...
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