I'm really fucking blue, fed up with my unending slog.
Or at least I was yesterday, most of which was spent tromping around in icy cold rain with twenty or so pounds of library books on my back, hungry yet uninterested in eating. I have no idea what I'm going to do for work come September, the truly awful thing about studying an OCOW (grad student teaching positions are impossible to find and my department has, oh, one assistant instructor spot). It's not a huge deal--I can freelance and get on my guy's health insurance--but damn it, I'm sick of all this endless not-happening and shit news. You know, when no matter how many widgets you stuff in their boxes, they just keep on coming down the conveyor belt with no end in sight. Endless, fruitless labor.
So this morning, I cried in my husband's arms. I want something to look forward to. I want something to change. The only thing really firing my imagination at the moment is training. And returning to OCOW. Something we've been trying to avoid talking about, for various logistical reasons. But he's willing to go, if it's for 6 months to a year. Or better yet, if I got some sort of postdoc in Europe.
Yeah, and the weather here sucks. That and my period are to blame for the majority of my sadness at the moment.
On a sillier note, I invested in some really cool running shoes that fit amazingly well. They are all red and orange and shiny and light. I can't wait to take them for a spin. I also got one of those super jogging corset-y bras. I barely need it, but wow. Stabilization doesn't begin to cover it. Those puppies aren't moving a centimeter, but they aren't smashed and smooshed into oblivion, either. What will they think of next, folks?
That reminds me. Thanks for all your support. It means a lot, gals.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
11 comments:
I totally vote for the OCOW! When I was totally bummed out after my boyfriend dumped me for an obviously inferior woman, I went on a 3-month bender to Europe to see friends, climb the Pyrennes, and remind myself that I shouldn't let ugly people and a crap life obscure the amazing beauty of the world.
That trip was life-changing. My spirits lifted, I reconnected with great people from my past and I found out the guy I had had a crush on 3 years previously was madly in love with me. He is now my gorgeous, loving hubby of 11 years and if I hadn't thrown it all to the wind we never would have "hooked up," ahem.
Sometimes we may think we are just running away from things, but I think most times it's our mind calling us to run TO something --into the unknown, to find bigger, better and god knows what!
Shoes were a good purchase: keep running, I say.
All you runners are starting to inspire me to start running again. Your shoes sound fantastically good - kind of super-hero-ish. Hope they make you run like the wind.
The slog. Yes, it is dismal. I hope it lightens up for you soon. Even just the weather. It's starting to warm up here now, so maybe it will be heading your way shortly, with the bluest skies and teh warmest breezes.
I want to hear about the sports bra-- where'd you get it, what's it called?
I'm so, so sorry you are so blue. I wish I could drive over and make you a cake or something. Your running will help you feel better, no? I do sympathize with you on the weather. This "spring" is enough to make anyone die of sheer frustration. Hang in there .Virtual hugs to you.
Ugh. Yeah, the dreary cold dampness began to settle into me yesterday. It seems to have passed a bit today, but yesterday evening, I wanted to throttle my husband (he broke the flapper on our toilet and wouldn't acknowledge that he couldn't fix it on his own), and I know that I was only so frustrated because it was just such a dreary day.
But yay for new shoes! And I must know about this mythical paralyzing bra of which you speak! Even the most expensive sport bras that I've found are just pathetic, even when they bind you to the point of cutting off circulation!
sometimes change is all we have...
but what would you do with all those veggie beds??
glad the new shoes and bra are doing the trick. still can't find the right sportholder for my puppies. ~luna
You're doing the right things to get yourself out of the bluesyness, running, crying, planning. I love the first comment about running "to" something. What a great way to look at it.
Sorry about feeling blue. I totally understand the need to have something to look forward too! And those shoes sound fabulous! Pictures??
The blues (and the reds) totally suck. I feel your pain! I'm so glad, though, that you could get it all out in a good cry with your man - they are so good for that - and that you are focusing on the one widget that doesn't look like the other ones. Focusing on something else that you can control is sometimes the best cure for this kind of crap! And, training I think is a wonderful way of doing it. Snazzy red and orange shoes certainly help.
Remember I'm on the street yelling encouragement as you keep slogging! Someday, the slog will come to an end and you will look back with pride on what a great job you did getting through it.
So sorry for the "blue flu," but happy that you got such a great consolation prize ... not to mention a hubby that lets your cry in his arms.
Sometimes Hubby & a new pair of shoes are the only great things in life to look forward ...
Big Hugs ...
Sorry about the blueness. I hope it passes soon and things start to look up.
I'm completely with you on this one - the endless slog of writing up, and the pressures of trying to find some form of academic-related, part-time work are in themselves depressing enough, even before you factor infertility into the equation.
I used to think that the PhD would suddenly start to flow. Now I realise that it's just a case of sitting down day after day and writing. Some days it goes well; other days I cry, and say that I can't do it any more. But then the next day, I get up and sit down in front of the computer again, and slowly it does get done.
Now for the assvice: don't be too hard on yourself, and reward yourself with plenty of treats - go out for a run, or else do some gardening: I always find doing something physical helps.
Keep going! You will get there! I'm cheering you on!
Post a Comment