This year, the magnolias are representing. Last year, they were blasted by a last, late frost, taking most of the blossoms of fruit trees along with them. The peach at the overgrown edge of our backyard failed to produce a single fruit.
This year, the porcelain and blush buds are creeping open and a faint scent fills the air. In the evening, it mingles with hyacinths and the smell of good, raw earth.
I just feel so good right now, engaged in my writing, sound in mind and body, somehow strong enough to quiet my own torturous mental meanderings down the paths of what-ifs, delusions of surprise pregnancies, and possible money-sucking procedures. I think about the nervous hope I held last year, when I finally had a few spot-free cycles and I was just so sure I would be pregnant in a matter of weeks. That hope, like the magnolias, was blasted in bud. After that, hope seemed pointless.
No such grasping confidence this year. Just a feeling that life is unfolding as it will, and that I'm doing my damnedest to be healthy. I want to use this time to gather my strength, should I need to take that long, needly march into IF land. I want to remember this grounded feeling of fortitude, and carry it with me into those dark places I am so afraid to reach.
10 comments:
Another beautiful post. I really understand this sense of gathering strength, and it's really fitting for me for tit o coincide with springtime, when my garden is still lying dormant, but it's all clear of snow, and things are happening underground. I've sort of been feeling this way myself lately - things are happening under the surface that are preparing me for change, whatever it is.
Wow you really have a gift of writting. I hope you can remeber this state your in now and carry it with you through all the hard times.
You are strong, and fertile, and like the magnolias, you may take a season or two to represent, but I know you will.
That just all sounds so positive. Good for you.
Damn Shinejil, you just sound so healthy and grounded. Can I borrow some of that to temper the crazy in my head?
But seriously, good for you.
The beauty of spring!! I think nature does give us strength. Every time I felt weak and sad during IF I would run in the woods and cry with my head stuck in a bush in full bloom or breathe in the ground... Mother Earth takes but she also gives something back (tho it may not be exactly the thing we want right then...)
Good Luck butterfly, I will keep reading about your journey!
Wow! You sound so positive & so focussed on your work - I'm glad that your presentation went well, and that you're engaged in writing.
Sometimes it can be really productive to take a step back, and to focus on other things for a while.
What's your secret? I love to hear that you're in a good, strong place. Please bottle some shinejil and send it my way. I'll pay big bucks!
What's my secret? Years of therapy, I think, some with a wonderful compassionate therapist, and some with a whole posse of mean Russian bastards who kicked some sense into my depressed ass.
Not sure if you want them in a bottle... :)
I'll take a bottle!
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