Since I have nothing better to do with the huge hunk of my brain that was once devoted to obsessing about IF and TTC, I've decided to engage in some wild speculation about treatment plans.
First, an aside. My man is funny. Though he's the one who so desperately wants the biokid, he doesn't seem to grasp that IF treatment is really, really expensive. It keeps conveniently slipping his mind. When I remind him of certain projected costs associated with stuff we've talked about, he sort of goes, "Oh, yeah." As if he's expecting never to have to really deal with that aspect of this whole situation. This, along with some other little blips I've noticed, makes me wonder what joys await him once the shit hits the fan. Once we get a negative cycle or five.
I'm thinking that the next academic year is likely the one when we'll have to go for the gusto, burn through all our assets, and see how many cycles we can fit in. There's no way in hell we can do IVF more than three times, and that's with begging, borrowing, and stealing thrown in. So, all told, I could be done with having to worry about this all by next year. So line 'em up and I'll knock 'em down. Just like I'm doing with my dissertation and training.
Isn't that funny? I never think about actually getting pregnant and having a baby. Just getting what seems to be the requisite treatment over with. A baby seems like too bizarre an outcome, though it's the end we're supposedly pursuing. I think about how to move on after we're broke, I'm fat and sick from the drugs, and my guy is forced to confront his dream of reconstituting his broken family. I never think about who my child might be or how I'll be with this new person in my life.
That's just too theoretical and abstract for me, really.
13 comments:
funny -- all my hub thinks about is the expense, risk and uncertainty. all of it just for the small chance of success. (little did we know how small for me.) but those hopemongers, er REs, let you think that it's possible and we want to believe... though it's toomuch to engage in more than just the abstraction while you're in the thick of it, I think.
Yeah, boys are weird. Mine has been barely interested in the making a baby thing for the last two years, but suddenly, now that I have other plans, he's all eager to hurry up and do something. And yeah, he seems to frequently forget how expensive this shit gets.
And yeah. Babies are too specific and real. I like to keep them in theory until I actually come closer to making one.
Weird. Al has the same thing about the money. He would keep forgetting how much IVF costs and then act shocked when I reminded him. It must be a man thing.
I think I understand. I am not as far as you in the IF process, or in your thinking. But I have gone there before. I think when I get through 3 IUI's and 1 IVF then I will be DONE. Then I can move on with life and pursue other things. I have a little more hope now with this cycle, but I have been there. It kinda feels good to me there though, cause then you aren't hoping anymore and then crashing, but at the same time it is so sad to think that thats where life has gone. To a place with no hope and just going through the motions till its all over. Between a rock and a hard place.
Sorry I can't offer any comfort or advice! Hang in there!
When I was trying, I spend way too much of my time doing the business end of RE. The appointments, juggling job and doctors, the thousands of trips to the special pharmacist that had the meds, morning visits to get bloodwork drawn... all of that was like a job in itself. I really had almost no time to deal with the other aspects of it, like a take home baby.
In my state (MA) we have full infertility insurance coverage, so money wasn't really an issue, as the only thing we paid were copayments on visits and meds, but all the other stuff was so overwhelming that really, it just overtook the actual "I want to be pregnant" thoughts.
You know I was just reading Io's blog and there were similar thoughts. I'm the same way. The big goal is to get knocked up, and then I probably won't know what to do with myself.
Burning through all of assests, points to self! We signed up for a shared risk program where we paid 23,000 for 4 IVF's and all FET's, and if we don't get pregnant, we get the full amount refunded. However, we are now maxed out, and I hate that feeling.
Hey, what does your endocrinologist want your TSH to be ideally? Mine was three point something last time, and she was cool with that. But I wanted to up the meds because I'd read between 1 and 2 are better. Thoughts?
After all of this, I can't imagine taking care of an actual baby. Baby is just a word for a goal I'm trying to reach.
I think that when you're slogging through all the treatment, you do sometimes lose sight of the final goal. It becomes about the process, not so much the outcome. It's a really odd notion.
I eventually did get pregnant and have a baby, but when I was pregnant it then became about the physicality of that, forgetting that hey - a baby sometimes results!
The human psyche is a strange beast, certainly.
I'm dropping by for NaComLeavMo - hi! :)
I felt the same way after the first several treatment options failed. My thought was "let's keep going until we're out of insurance/out of money, then we can be done." Although extremely disappointing, it was also a relief to say "That's it - we're done."
That said, I do wish you success!
you are so right. I went through 4 IVFs and they eventually became "maintenance" for me. just a routine. I forgot exactly what I was doing and why. when I finally got my bfp it felt so strange. what? no more shots? no more b/w? no more u/s? huh.
and yes, the $$$ hurts. a lot!
NCLM
It is weird to think about the baby part of things when I'm so focussed on pregnancy. In some ways, I guess it's healthy - one step at a time and all that. But yeah, my mind doesn't go there too frequently either.
For me, I didn't think too much about what pregnancy was like or having a baby. I didn't want to get too invested if the cycle failed. You get invested anyways. I also think that the fantasy of having children isn't the same as the reality. Once I was pg, I was really anxious about the actual baby raising part. I was also really sick, depressed, and anxious while pg, so it wasn't the ticket to happiness I thought it would be. I thought, "maybe I should have thought a bit more about the reality of raising babies before I embarked on this".
Hi, I'm visiting from NCLM.
My DH has some crazy ideas too...boys I guess...
I don't think about babies anymore either. I used to, in the beginning, when I thought I'd get pregnant right away. But now, after so many disappointments, I don't think about babies anymore - it just hurts too much.
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