I spent all day yesterday working at our local precinct, taking names and declaring parties. It's always a really long day: 16-17 hours in a room with a bunch of wacky older folks. Some are really sweet wacky, and some--bless them--seem to be having one protracted senior moment. Getting them to understand forms, read directions, etc. proved challenging. It made me realize how my education has served me. I can figure out even the election commission's twisted prose. Must be all the Sovietology.
Anyway, it was great to see such high turnout for a primary, somewhere around 45-50%. And this is in our hood, which is a funky combo of Republicrat subdivisions, down-home trailers, and public housing. It's not unusual to see a broken-down old shack next to a hippy bungalow, replete with giant peace sign and VW bus, next to a trailer park. Sorry, mobile home community. So the energy and excitement of the mostly working class electorate in our area just thrilled me. I mean, these folks are hurting. They should make their voices heard, at the very least at the voting machine.
The one thing that was hard was--wait for it--yes, you guessed it: the endless pregnant ladies voting. Especially the ones with toddlers and bumps. Some of the kids were annoying, and I was glad I didn't have a child like them (Sorry, some kids really do suck. Just like adults do. But unlike adults, there's still a chance they could blossom into something less irritating). But there were heart-melting, adorable little kids--a self-possessed little girl with beautiful bright beads on her braids, a girl with a big, eager smile and thoughtful eyes--who made me curse my barren womb.
And the ladies working with me. That was all they talked about, how they had raised their kids. It was clearly a big point of pride, how they had worked three jobs and scrimped and saved and put them through college. But I couldn't help but think, "Is this it? Is this the sum total of our lives as women? The sacrifices and the number of offspring?" By that calculus, I'm nothing. Yet at the same time, I'm so much more. Or at least something else altogether.
In general, their stories made me wonder how far the struggles of the 1970s have gotten us. I mean, sure, life's changed since these gals were working double shifts at the plant but has it really changed that much for women? How many women fall into the Momzilla mold for lack of a better idea, disappear into their identity as so-and-so's mommy, or work their butts off to provide for their families yet never get to spend the time they'd like with their kids? Why, in the end, have children? Beyond the biological urge--nothing to be scoffed at, but not all that we are.
These are not rhetorical questions. They haunt me, and make me wonder what I've learned and who, on some deep level, I truly am.
Oh yeah, and I voted for Obama.
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For the reasons you mentioned in your post, I had decided (when I was young and somewhat naive) that I didn't want children. I didn't want my identity to be defined around motherhood and all that it entails. Now, that I'm much older (and still a feminist) I don't have the same resolve. I have given in to my biological urge to have children. Well it's more that an urge, it's a primal need. It's more powerful than any other I have ever experienced. Of course, the joke is on me, since Mother Nature while invoking this primal desire within me it also has prevented me from fulfilling it naturally!
I understand that, and kinda fear it. I am worried that once I have kids I will lose my identity. And that when I see my childless friends I won't have anything to say! I REALLY am going to try to still stay in tune with me and who I am and keep the passions and dreams I have know alive. Its a big juggling act I think!
I understand that and somewhat fear it. I worry that when I have children I won't have anythign to talk about with my childess friends! I don't want to lose my identity when I become a mom, I still want to do the things I love, my passions and dreams. I am really going to try to keep MY alive! I guess its just a huge juggling act!
indiana, huh? way to work the polls!
it's so hard being surrounded by women when children are the only focus. yes, you are so much more than this, and something else altogether.
these questions we grapple with are so hard, and there are no clear answers. I do what I do because I love it and that's what makes me who I am. my relationships and my work also help define who I am.
but I also feel stunted because I have not had the chance to grow with the experience of motherhood. how to reconcile that longing and feeling of lesser self-worth? can you be both full and empty at the same time? I'm still working that one out...
oh, and go obama!
Yeah, I've worked many a poll for the democratic primaries back in Texas. I haven't gotten as involved here, though I should because I understand that I get paid for civil service. Oh, well. One more thing on my list of things to do.
And, yes, like you, I have often thought long and hard about the struggles of women in the 70s and where that has left us today. It seems like there's only the narrowest margin in which to succeed as an individual who also happens to be a parent and a career-person, in addition. It's tough, man, and I think about that "why should I do this at all?" question pretty often, too. And I still have no answer.
These are really good questions, shinejil. So good, in fact, that I think I need to do a post in response. I think about this stuff a lot, too. It's so easy to get invested in the baby stuff, but I am aware that I can easily lose myself in that if I'm not paying attention.
I, too, know the joy and frustration of e-day work. During our last provincial election in November, I did a lot of deep breathing and tongue-biting. All for the greater good, though. And good turnout - that must be quite rewarding to see that first-hand.
Yet another mostly female phenomenon. Good thing there are lots of sports so that grown men have something to talk about.
Great post and exc. questions. I think since the 70s things have gotten worse for humans in general and families specifically. Women have made gains, but I almost wonder if "the establishment" made some concessions to women and compensated for that by shafting all workers.
Once upon a time one adult could work and earn enough for the family, buy a house, save for kids' college, have healthcare... Now both adults have to work 3 jobs each it seems to make ends meet and still mortgage off their futures. In that sense, men, women, and kids are all worse off. Yes, we all have more opportunities, but they come at a higher price.
The average worker has so little earning power and careers are so competitive that women are forced to put jobs/survival before biology or if they do have kids, then survival/job before being there for their kids.
I liked that comment by denise about men gabbing about sports. Moms go on and on about babies sometimes I think because it's a safe subject and chances are most people will have that in common. Like dudes talking about sports, I think it just comes down to intellectual laziness or cowardice, really.
I rely on my kid-less friends to keep my mind open to real stuff happening out there. I easily get bored with the diaper talk (tho you couldn't tell that from my blog. Gag.) As women I think we need to stay vigilant and make sure we don't get in a rut and see ourselves as JUST a mom, worker, grad student etc.. but keep curious and broaden our interests, concerns, and discussions.
It's hard, but I try to get my "intellectual" doses at work, chatting with friends, and reading at night.
But having kids did do some things that I never expected: it boosted what I had thought were already strong powers of empathy to frightening new levels; it softened my tendency to be super judgmental; and it helps me shrug off more easily any B.S. that goes down in the "real world."
Pre-kids, I would get so upset about a work-related snafu or snit and now it all seems so trivial and lame. This has been a good thing. But I think anyone with a greater sensibility about "what's really important" can find a similar fallback. I think that strong connection you have with nature is a key reminder there are things in the world that are deeper and more important than the machinations of our daily grind.
My thoughts exactly, Eurydice. And that's really a good point about the mom gab (vs. male sports klatsch)... I never thought about it that way, but it's right on the money.
Any chance you could link back to your blog? I promise I won't look back.
You ask some really important questions, shinejil - ones I've also struggled with, without coming up with any real answers.
Like joonie, I didn't want children or marriage when I was younger. I grew up with a mother who was 'just a housewife', and I decided from a very young age that I wanted more - a career, economic independence. As I got older, I realised that I also wanted marriage and children - but even now I still sometimes feel (or perhaps more accurately am made to feel by both students and peers) that I am somehow less of a committed feminist as a result.
It's something that we all struggle with on a personal level, but I think your post also raises some questions about broader cultural attitudes towards motherhood. I don't know whether it's the same in the US, but here in the UK stay at home mothers are simultaneously idealised and denigrated.
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