Reading one of dear Io's recent posts, I realized that we seemed to have a similar subconscious urge that draws us to reading other women's blogs. We want to know how our own stories may unfold.
One of the myriad difficult things in infertility is the slow, slow pace of the journey. You have to wait two weeks. You wait the cycle out due to cysts. You wait to get results, tests, surgery. Especially at the beginning, when you have no clear diagnosis or you can't move on your diagnosis, you're stuck. You need information, you want to take action, but doctor after doctor is unsure what's wrong, and action is prohibitively expensive and/or repulsive.
I remember early on--damn, was it already a year and a half ago?--scanning close to all the blogs on Stirrup Queens in search of some woman with spotting like mine. Somewhere in my mind, I thought if I could find that woman or those women, I'd know something more about myself and could perhaps find a way to avoid standard treatment and escape IF. I wanted someone else's tales and experience to predict my future.
But that's not what happened. I realized, after months of reading stories happy and devastating, that none of them were mine. I needed to live and tell my own. I needed to act, even if it meant considering things that were outside my direct comfort zone. I also began to care about the women writing and to want to show them whatever support and friendship 0s and 1s could convey.
Now I know about all the terrible things that can go wrong, about many of the tragic and joyful trails that lead from this main path through the swamp. I never considered that I might be put on bedrest. That I could have preterm labor. That my children could be born early and have to fight for their lives in the NICU. That I could stop responding to drugs, that...that...that...
It's a very thin line between knowledge and its evil twin, paranoia. But would not knowing something protect us? Would ignorance change the fact that these thing happen? No. Nor does it predict the future. I wish it, or something, anything, would.
On a completely different note, I had a wonderful day of decadence yesterday. I got myself an amazing bottle of French wine and my guy some good ale, and made a nice supper. I even indulged in a fancy cookie and coffee. It felt good to let it all hang out, diet-wise. And I feel fine this morning, which means I didn't overdo it. I'm proud of myself--not overdoing it is not my forte.
Thanks, ladies, for all your advice. I'm a high-fiber kind of gal already, but now I know I need to prepare in advance and be vigilant! Unfortunately my surgery is scheduled for 1:30 pm. Ugh.
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11 comments:
I'm the same way -- drawn obsessively to the blogs of other infertiles, especially. It helps to find someone in a similar situation, and it really, really helps when you realize that most all of these women eventually turn out ok, even if they don't get to have a child.
Plus, I've found that I get a lot of really useful information from reading blogs. And yeah, sometimes it leads to paranoia, but I'd rather know what can go wrong and prepare myself a little than be totally blindsided again.
Good luck to you, and thanks for commenting on my blog.
As always, you are so right. It's just so eaaaasy to slip over to the paranoia side of things! I vacillate between optimism and complete nutso-ness.
And now I am thinking maybe Al should have some fiber for dinner tomorrow.
I love this post! I agree ultimately we learn we need to live and tell our own. As for all the things we know can go wrong, well I used to believe ignorance is bliss. But it won't stop those things from happening, will it?
Your dinner sounds lovely. I love a good bottle of french red (it's stronger and has no sulfites so no hangover for me!). Glad you could indulge a little.
And yes, I agree with the anti-nausea drug rec. Ask them to give it to you through the IV as a preventative measure.
be well and a quick recovery to you! ~luna
It is such a fine line that we walk when reading other women's blogs. I have to admit that I have a hard time still reading blogs of women who are newly pregnant because I automatically remember my first time being newly pregnant. I have a major empathy organ (that actually sounds really gross) that requires me to put myself in the person's shoes who I am reading about. Sometimes I just have to step away from the computer because it is like reliving all of my nightmares all over again.
But, you are absolutely right that your story is yours alone. My mantra: "I am not her. She is not me." We are all different, but share the common thread of infertility.
And, your surgery will be just fine. I'd be prepping hubby for his role as primary care giver (and grape peeler, pillow fluff-er, book fetcher, DVD inserter, water fetcher, cook, etc).
You have echo'd my own thoughts about blogland... the more I read, the more I know and am aware of both the negative and positive possibilities, but of course always focus on the negative. And I wonder wouldn't it be nice if I had never even considered that particular possibility, or that one, or that one? I think we are too intelligent to NOT want to know the facts of it all, however unsettling it is. I'm so hopeful for your surgery! And your night of wine and good food sounds like just what you needed-- awesome for you for not overdoing it either. That takes real skill!
Wow - shitty to have a 1:30 surgery. My last surgery was at 3:45pm and it sucked!!! I like first thing in the morning. No drinking/eating is easy when it's only for 30 minutes of being awake, but all day? Suck.
Other than that, you should be FINE! Really, I'm a pro at these surgeries and they don't bother me in the least bit.
lol. Now I'm singing "I always feel like, somebody's watching me!" due to your comment about paranoia
It's so true that we want to find answers in other people's stories. Even though all our outcomes may be different, I am so glad we get a lot of hope and support from each other. Since I am a queen of paranoia, I can relate as well. Wouldn't it be nice if after every failed cycle they could just conk you on the head so you don't have any bad data?
Hey, the reproductive center called me a few days before my surgery and had changed the time to earlier. Hopefully that will happen for you!
I didn't even think of blogs until a few weeks ago and wish I had. It's nice to hear other people's stories. I did/do like the forums at fertilethoughts.com. I learned A LOT from the women on there. Plus, you know, I have my Google MD now. :)
Thanks for adding my link!
Thank you for this post. I only recently discovered your blog and have been enjoying it.
What you said is so spot on for me. This is why I started to blog because I isolated myself so much from others thinking that no one else knew what I was going through. By reading other blogs, I suddenly felt less lonely.
Good luck to you, especially with your upcoming surgery.
Thank you so much for stopping by my blog and commenting - it's good to find somebody else that's trying to deal with IF while simultaneously attempting to finish a dissertation!
I loved this post - it describes so beautifully my own journey from reading other people's blogs, to telling my own story, to feeling that I was part of an incredible female community - as Mrs X says, we are all different, but nevertheless share the common thread of infertility. Although blogging can make you hyper-aware of all that can go wrong, it can also make you feel much less isolated.
Best of luck with your upcoming surgery.
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