I know, it's been, like, forever since I've written about my lady parts. But I just had my post-op with Dr. Spunk, so the time is ripe to return to everyone's favorite topic.
We laughed a lot. He's kind of silly, and I'm a bit goof ball, especially when matters touch on this rather heartwrenching part of my otherwise fantastic life. He told me what he had told my guy: There was a tiny touch of endo in the area between uterus and colon, which he burned off. He took out three polyps and scraped away a bit of the lining.
I asked him about our chances. He said we likely had about a 30% chance of conceiving on our own per year. That made me feel somehow proud: See! We can do it; we're just retarded.
Then he gave me a fairly predictable (and therefore trustworthy, methinks) rundown on the treatment stats: 6% CC+IUI per cycle, around 20% for injects+IUI, 50% for IVF. I told him we needed to take two months or so off, in part because a Clomid hot flash would not be the perfect accessory for the big conference coming up in a few weeks.
On the way home, as I walked through this big windy field they're mucking up to build some ticky tacky townhouses and a little patch of woods, I felt really sad. I guess part of me keeps hoping for a miracle that will spring us out of this situation. I wish we could spend our savings making other dreams come true, instead of sacrificing it on the great baby altar. I feel like I've been sentenced to prison wrongly, and that some appeal will go through and suddenly release me.
I felt confused. This isn't a common feeling for me. I have strong opinions and often know what I want. I can't seem to really feel what I want in this situation. I just don't know: I want to do it all right now, and I want to do nothing. I want to kick IF in the balls and karate-chop it to the ground, and I want to walk away.
The more practical part of me, meanwhile, was running numbers. It's almost a meditative practice after a while: So, 20%. That means 20 gals get knocked up during cycle 1, 16 the next and let's say, oh, 12 the next. So that's almost an IVF cycle, right? For nine grand instead of twelve... Hmm... This practical part is, at the moment, leaning toward skipping the Clomid, which sucks and has a pitiful chance of success, and hitting the FSH this summer. I want this over with.
Oh, I also want to drink some Prosecco and eat strawberries. But I'm going to wait until Friday. Instead, I just scarfed an huge hunk of delicious local goat cheese.
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12 comments:
I agree 100%!! I also want to kick IF in the balls. Its funny I have been trying to decide between Clomid and IUI or injectables and IUI. I want to just jump to injectables too b/c the success rate is higher and I am just done with freakin clomid! So I know the struggle you are fighting with. Let me know what you decide!
I hope that a miracle happens during your break and you will be able to spend the life savings on different dreams!
There's no justice in how much time, money, and emotion we invest in trying to reproduce. And as for being a prisoner, I think it's even worse. We don't even know how long our sentence is. It might be for life. It might be for a year.
Mmm...goat cheese.
I hate the whole money issue - (obviously because I don't have it) but then when I *do* have it I will spend it on trying to have a baby instead of things I want to spend it on that are also important. It sucks. And even then, it's a gamble.
Er. I'm not doing a very good job of trying to cheer you up.
I think injectables sound like a goo middle ground - 6% just doesn't sounds high enough to make it worthwhile.
Thanks for the comment on my latest blog... wow, two women in the world sitting in unfinished housing development fields dreaming of babies.
Mr. IF and I have only known each other for a short while... I didn't know there was so much math involved in the relationship! I'll hold his arms and you give the jabs!
i just finished my very delicious greek takeout and i read your post. goat cheese is my favourite (it's also the only kind of cheese that i can eat, but that's besides the point).
and i'll be standing in line behind you to kick IF in the balls, i may also stomp on it for a little while afterwards as well. ;)
Mmmm, goat cheese...
The statistics can really drive you crazy with this stuff. In the end I usually just end up going with my gut feeling. And even if I can't tell what my gut feeling is, talking it out sometimes brings it to the surface.
I can so identify with this. and ugh, the numbers game. so hard to know what's best, what will work, what will be least disruptive or expensive, etc. you know odds are just odds, they don't mean crap until you' happen to fall on one side or another by chance... ~luna
You are a gifted poet my friend.
I'm loving the tales of your adventures in academia - mine seem very prim and proper in comparison!
I also really identified with this post - I veer backwards and forwards between wanting to focus on writing up the thesis, and wanting to focus on IVF. I feel as if I'm constantly being pulled in different directions.
I hope you manage to come to a decision that feels right for you.
Yea, I think we are taking our home equity loan and spending it on IVF instead of fixing up our home.
I keep complaining, "people do this for FREE!"
Ah the infertility mathematics. But, it's fabulous news that you have essentially the same chance as anyone else trying naturally - I think ours is still pretty low. Why is it only 6% with Clomid and IUI. though? I would have thought it would go up. Anyway - this is one of the valleys after the peaks. But, it's times like these that help you really focus on your goals and what you really want. It's hard to look at it that way, but it makes you start asking how badly do I want this? So far, we still want it very badly (hence IVF).
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