Sorry, double-posting today. Blame it on the cocoa-loaded coffee, my last vice nowadays.
One thought that's been rumbling around in my head of late is the irony of my situation. My guy and I long to give life, yet we're forced to inflict death. To kill, or possibly allow both me and the poor, disoriented embryo to die in agony.
Isn't it ironic?
That I'm finally pregnant, something I've wished for for years upon years (even before I hooked up with my dearest man), and now I'm so excited for the moment I know I'm miscarrying. Because I will no longer be in danger, in limbo. That my breasts ache, my nose balks at all scented body products, but I'm essentially as childless as I was a month ago. That I get all the shitty symptoms of pregnancy, combined with some of the shitty symptoms of chemo and a whole other world of hurt from getting a sliver of what I want.
What a strange thing, this life. I think back to what I was like ten years ago, five years ago, and I can't believe the depth of feeling and thinking that this suffering and strangeness has given me. It's amazing, in that I appreciate with every fiber of my being any joy, laughter, and love I encounter. But it sucks because I can no longer live like everyone else.
Once you've known deep pain, the pain that nearly stops your heart (whatever its source), you can never regain that shallow glide that carried you along life's surface. You get lonely because so few people want to deal with the depths. Yet they are the only place truly worth knowing.
13 comments:
*sigh*
Sometimes there just are no words, are there?
It is ironic.
Thank you for your comment and your support. Wish we could 'beam up' into an infertility lounge and all just hang out and take a load off. I have only found understanding through this computer so far.
Yes.
And I'm so sorry that you are in this place. It has beautiful parts to it, the places in our lives where life is very close to death always do.
But they are still terribly hard places to be.
facing death when you want that life so deeply is such a painful place to be. I hate that you're in that ironic limbo when your rising numbers mean only greater risk. wishing you a return to normalcy, if that's possible.
I understand this irony so well.
Thinking of you.
That time between knowing you're going to lose a pregnancy and everything being over with is so awful. I really hope that this time is short for you, and everything works out, both short-term and long-term.
Thanks so much for your comment, description of your own surgery, and camaraderie.
Take care.
I'm so sorry, shinejil. This must be such a painful situation to be in.
I'm thinking of you, and sending you many healing thoughts.
Oh, and your plans for the farm sound amazing - when can we all come and stay?!?
I know so well that feeling of loneliness in the depths. Know that I'm grateful for knowing that you are journeying through the deep, too, and sharing your story with me.
Wishing you moments of gliding, even though you're in way, way deep.
So well said! I have never been the same after my first miscarriage. Yes, I have grieved and I have moved on. But I am not the same person. And lot of every day grievances have seemed petty and insignificant to me. I guess some good comes out of feeling that kind of pain. It gives you a perspective to carry you through the rest of your life.
Irony can be a real bitch: even more so when you can see it so clearly. Such intelligence and perception can be a gift - and a curse.
I can only imagine the pain that you must be feeling - actively trying to kill that which you worked so hard to create. It is the cruelest form of punishment metted out by nature.
I hope that it is resolved as soon as possible so that you can begin to heal.
Many, many hugs.
I'm sorry that you're going through this. I hope you're not suffering through it for much longer. How maddening to have reached your dream only to have it turn out like this. I wish I had more words of comfort. You're in my thoughts.
I'm so sorry. Beyond sorry. And I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort in whatever form you can find them both. ((((HUGS)))))
I agree 1000% with your last sentence -- and the rest of your post too. Waiting to miscarry was one of the worst times of my life. You're in a horrendously painful situation and the irony just bites. I'm so sorry. Wishing you peace soon.
I'm still catching up on blogs from the last month and am just seeing this - I am so sorry for your loss and the irony of the ectopic. I hope things are on their way towards better, and that your RE has a speedy recovery!
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