I'm sick and tired of whining about feeling sick and tired. I think that's what's really getting to me: The last three weeks, it's like I've had the flu and a raging awful period from hell at the same time (just without the blood).
So I will ask you all a question: In a perfect world, what would make a "complete" family for you? Two kids? Eight?
One?
Oh, come on! One is cool, man!
For me, it was always one. Two, max. Preferably one.
You see, I'm an only child, and I love it. Moreover, I don't get sibling dynamics at all and am afraid I'd be a poor parental guide in that department.
When people would ask me if I missed having brothers or sisters, I couldn't answer, not only because I didn't know what that was like, but also because, hey, I was happy. I had no rivals and no one to measure up to or to surpass. I just had two parents who lavished affection on me but knew how not to spoil me.
They encouraged me to be strong, stubborn, resourceful, and to know great, abiding, unquestionable love, even when I did something they didn't like (like wear all black for years and cut my own hair and skip gym class). They respected my independence and asked me to hang out with the adults. I learned to interact with people older than me early on, and it's served me very well in life. I don't know if the dynamics are quite the same in families with more kids.
My parents could afford to take amazing care of me, and even leave me debt-free after I got my undergrad degree. A huge gift I will never be able to repay.
They grinned and bore it when I ran away to strange countries and came back with odd ideas.
I'm not saying this is the fate of all only children; I'm just saying there are lots of upsides for both parents and child. My parents, who had no fertility problems, decided one was more than enough. (I was apparently quite a powerhouse who never slept as a child. My mom longs for me to get my comeuppance with kids of my own. Wouldn't that be nice?)
I'm saying all this because every once in a while, I'll come across someone's blog post about their longing for more children or about wanting to give their child a sibling and not leave them (oh no, gasp) an only child. I just don't get it (though I'd like to): who says onlychildhood isn't better for the kid? Isn't wanting lots of kids about us adults, and not about our children? Do we model our dream families on our childhood families, so that if you have siblings, just one kid feels somehow off?
No judgment, just curiosity.
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20 comments:
very interesting.
I've always wanted two children. zero population growth, one for each of us to handle and give our direct attention, and for each to have a sibling and friend through life and as we age, etc.
at this point though, we would feel very lucky to have one. I may still envision our family as "incomplete," but at least it would be something.
btw, I have 2 blood siblings and 2 step siblings.
::waves to my fellow only child::
I'd be happy if we adopt one child. I'd like to have two eventually but that's for my own reasons (I love kids) and not fearing what might happen if my child grows up as an "only". From your post and from my personal experience, only childhood is nothing to be afraid of.
People have asked me if I missed having siblings. I guess I didn't know what I was missing but I certainly didn't feel lonely. I had my friends or cousins to play with, and during my more creative moments I'd play games with my stuffed animals... including board games :) I always won, but I still had fun.
I credit my childhood for a great relationship with my parents, and for growing into a self-confident adult. Being an only child has worked out well for me.
I don't know what makes a dream/perfect family. People ask me all the time how many I want, I usually say "I will start with one and see how it goes." LIke what if motherhood is way harder then I thought and I can only manage one! And sometimes the idea of just having one kid to focus on forever is kinda fun to me! But I also like the idea of having a big family too! haha. So I have no idea. I know Keith wants loads of kids. I tell him if each take us 2 years and loads of money to concieve, then we won't be having many. But I am going to see how life is with Twinkle and then make the deicsion (or with us IFers, try to have control of this decision, but really not have any) to have more or not!
make sense?
I bet it is a lot about what you had as a kid - and maybe a little about what you've seen. I was one of three, and I couldn't imagine growing up without my siblings. (In our cases, we might really not have survived solo, but that's a separate consideration.) I actually want way more than three (I always say 12, because I always said 12, but actually I think 8 or 9 is more the goal - a goal I am letting go of as unattainable, however). That's not explained by how I grew up though - that's other families I saw and the blessings that they had. I could explain some objective things that are easier in large families (and of course there are some obvious easier things in small families), but I think that's not what you mean - not what's easier or works better, but what's ideal. But I'm not sure people who want to give their kids sinblings are doing it only for their sakes. I think they probably really believe that the kid would benefit from a brother or sister. Whether that's true, of course, probably varies from case to case.
AMEN!!!!
i LOVE being an only child! honestly, if i wasn't an only, i wouldn't be as interesting!
although i suspect that my parents did have fertility issues (not that my mother will ever tell me anything personal) and i was born 6 weeks premature, i really wasn't surprised that i had IF issues too.
i remember as a kid wishing that i had siblings to play with, but my parents' best friends had six kids AND i have a ton of cousins. i never longed for company.
as an adult only i benefit from never being bored, being independent and just being resourceful. i love to go to movies and travel by myself (two things that my hubby doesn't get at all!).
before we started TTC i thought that i wanted four kids. at this point i would be happy with one. i had a great life, with so many opportunities because of my only-hood. i think i would be a great parent to an only as well.
WOOHOO onlies!!!!
I don't think there is anything wrong with only having one. For myself, I've always wanted at least 2. I'm not sure why. I do think that there are benefits to forming a relationship with a sibling. But I also think you've pointed out some equally good benefits to single childhood. Either way, just give us a friggin' baby! :)
There is a part of me that would really like 2 however I've said before that unless I got twins it likely wouldn't happen. At least in the past. In moving to donor eggs I may have embryos left over etc which could mean I will attempt pregnancy twice but I still sort of feel like it's unlikely.
I'm pretty sure I have the flu (am coming out of it, anyway). And I HAD the flu shot!
And.. Ah yep! I completely agree!
I'm an only child, and having just one would be fine with me. It's the husband that really wanted two, at one point (before we knew it would be such a struggle to have one). If I was blessed with twins, I'd be ok with that too.
I wasn't lonely at all as a child. I don't feel like I missed out. I enjoyed not having to share, and being doted on. I had plenty of friends and my parents made sure I had social contact with kids. I was also very comfortable with adults.
As a teacher, I'm lousy at breaking up arguements and all of the touchy feely stuff like that. I'm pretty much business only, and the squabbling drives me insane. Maybe that's just me, or maybe some of that stems from not having to problem-solve as a child.
Great post! Feel better.
My mother always told me she wanted four kids... until she had me & my sister and that was quite enough, haha.
When I was young, I used to want 8, 10, 12 kids -- if only to be able to use all the names I liked, lol.
I always wanted two. MAYBE three, but definitely two. Dh always just wanted one. After Katie was stillborn, I thought I would give anything just to have one (more). After we stopped IF treatment, he told me he went along with treatment for my sake -- but he never really wanted another one -- he just wanted her.
I have one sibling, a sister, but I totally agree with you. One sounds perfect to me.
Now, only cats, not such a great idea. 2 cats is good. ;-)
I think I might have written about this as well, but to comment here, I think that H and I are perfectly happy sticking with an "only". Frankly, I wish I had been an only. I was for 7 years, and I was all cozy in onlyhood when the bro came along and fucked up my second-grade world. I've only recently forgiven him for being born.
And, H is an only, and other than the fact that his parents still freakishly dote on him (and pressure us like mad to just go ahead and get knocked up already gimmeamotherfuckinggrandbaby-youfreakyamericangirl-roaaaarrrrrr type stuff) he's totally normal. I think he takes the future care of his parents more seriously than I do, because I've got Hyper-Achiever as brother, so I figure since the parents think the sun shines out of his ass that he can be the one to manage their elder-care- but with H's parents, he's it, so we've really got to plan to help them out as best we can.
And. To answer some of your last paragraph questions, scientists decidedly say that only children are, on the whole, much happier, much more well-adjusted people than those who had to deal with having the parental attention divided. First children are smarter, too. Of course, only children are also a touch more selfish and on occasion tend to not naturally realize that they need to consider other people's feelings as well, but I think that with a bit of direction, those solo tendencies could be redirected in a more positive way. I just think it's something that has to be paid attention to- not all only children would end up that way, but science just shows that psychologically, an only's natural tendency does not lean towards consciousness of others.
Anyhow, I will be glad to have one, period. After I have one, I will reconsider whether or not another is a good idea. I am strongly leaning towards one at this point, though.
I realize that with our struggle to have a first, subsequent children won't be any easier.
That being said, I still want two, someway, somehow.
My reasoning for this - growing up, my brothers drove me NUTS. But I simply couldn't imagine my life without them. We are very close as adults and we have a unique bond that I am very thankful for.
I would like more than one child, only because of the bond I hope they would also share with a sibling.
It's neat to see your side of things coming from someone who is an 'only'. I have 2 bio sibs and 4 step sibs. I am one of those you talked about who is longing to give my son a sibling. I just think God put it in my heart to have 2 children (would've like to have been more, but the IF is making that impossible). My relationship with my sibs is complex and annoying and at the same time fantastic. I guess I want to give my son the same chance. I also think about someday when I am gone, wanting my son to have a link to his family, as he has no cousins on my dh's side (and won't) and only 2 on mine.
He may indeed be an only so we've
taken upon ourselves to regularly take his toys away and shout 'mine'! Just kidding!
I'm interested to see what others say.
eve
infertilityrocks.wordpress.com
*gulp* is this because of my blog post?
I wasn't trying to imply that there is something wrong with the life of an only child at all. But just as you have your experience to inform your mental picture of the perfect family, so too do I and I only know life growing up with brothers and sisters. I liked it a lot, and I like having them around now as an adult.
But I really appreciate your perspective here, because I really have been wanting to hear the good memories of growing up as an only child from one who has done so. It gives me comfort that Solomon would be perfectly happy without more family members around.
I admit that having just one baby to concentrate all my love and affection on has its attractions for me. And if I had more time (tick tick tick tick) I wouldn't feel so pressured of "now or never" with regard to adding more.
Today's word verification: aftisa. Potential name to consider for your child, if she's a girl.
I think that people who want more than one child aren't necessarily saying that it's better than only one. It's just what they want. I come from a family of 4 kids, so I have always wanted a big family. I can't imagine having only one child... I loved having brothers and someone else to do everything with. I think our desires a lot of times echo what we experienced (given, of course, that the experience was good).
I am an only child, and because of that I feel strongly (as strongly as a longtime infertile can feel while being realistic) about having more than one. Preferably two, three absolute max.
I loved being an only child, but as an adult I can see a lot of ways in which I would have benefited from having siblings in terms of my own interpersonal skills. On the plus side, being an only child trained me to be extremely comfortable around adults, so that now I am always comfortable around bosses even when I'm not always comfortable around co-workers or subordinates.
It's also a huge burden to be the only child when parents are ill, elderly, etc. At one point a few years ago I was about to move across the country for a job opportunity, then one of my parents had a major health issue, and I came close to relocating to their city instead, even though it was worse for my career, because I'm the only kid they have. The health situation improved, but several times a year I still come close to jumping on a plane so that I can drag my parent to a doctor's appointment.
Another burden about being the only child has to do with the empty nest -- I am obligated to talk to my mother every day on the phone, and if I can't because of travel or something, I feel bad because I know she's lonely and misses me.
FWIW my husband is from a big family and doesn't want that either, but I know lots of other people who think the ideal is whatever number of kids were in their family.
Nodding my head in agreement with much of what you write here, shinejil. I too am an only child, and can see the advantages it brings: to add to your list, I think that being an only child makes you really quite self-reliant, not to mention very comfortable with your own company. As a child, I would quite happily play by myself for hours on end - I would read or else invent elaborate games with my dolls. As an adult, I still find that, if I want to do something - go to see a particular movie, take myself out for a coffee - I don't necessarily feel the need to find someone to go with.
The chances are that this baby will be an only child - given my previous poor responses to stimulation, I don't think that I will put myself through any further cycles of IVF and the chances of a further spontaneous conception seem pretty small. But I certainly won't feel that my child has somehow missed out as a result.
Interestingly, Mr H - who is one of five children - is even more adamant than I am that he only wants one child. I think that he grew up feeling that his parents' attention was always elsewhere, and is determined that his own son or daughter won't end up feeling the same way.
@Malloryn: I posted a while ago on my blog about playing board games with my stuffed animals. Except that unlike you, I didn't always win.
Another only chiming in. My onliness made me a self-reliant, creative kid with a killer vocabulary. But it wasn't great, especially after my parents divorced.
The silences in a house with a sad parent and an only child... the quietest silence I've ever experienced... it still breaks my heart thinking about it. When my mom lost her grasp on sanity (for about 12 years, although she's got it again now, at least for the time being), I was the only one to bear witness. I had to grow up way too fast, taking care of her and making sure that everything appeared perfect to outsiders. Would having a sibling have helped? Yes, absolutely. Not as much as having another (sane) adult in the house, but still. I would have preferred the companionship, the support, and the shared history.
As I look towards my mom's dotage, I find myself extremely grateful for my partner. She is the oldest of four, and is very good at rounding up family and makingeverybodyloveeachotherdammit. She's also very firm with my mom, which will be crucial when she loses her mind (again).
I see siblings as not only positive playmates and buddies, but also as allies and protectors. As you can no doubt tell, I don't know sh.t about what having a sibling is really like, but I know that I'd like for my child to have one.
And yet, as infertility luck would have it, my Kiddo may very well be an only child. Even if I manage to get pregnant on these last few tries, she'll have been an only for almost six years. I hope that she enjoys her onliness and will thrive whether she's an only or an older sister.
i have much older siblings so i grew up as an only child -- the best of both worlds!
i definitely wanted more than one child. my dream was adopting dozens of unwanted kids, but then i never found the millionaire nice guy to marry who i'd live off of to make that possible.
if i were younger and could wait 5 years i would def. have a 3rd. but that's not happening so we are happy with 2.
one reason i never wanted just one is because infertility also made me pessimistic about ever being a parent so I was scare if i only had one child he or she would die and i'd be back to zero. so i saw having lots of kids would be like having a "backup" just in case. it sounds awful, but it's true.
but i love the fun we had growing up. the more the merrier. i always wanted lots of cats, too... one was never enough.
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