One thing the hormones haven't blunted: my fear. I had nightmares last night of miscarriage. (oddly, I was being poorly diagnosed by the doc from Battlestar using some bizarre powder. Yikes. I think I've finally met the evil Dr. Google.) Today, I find myself calculating, just as I did with my possible success rates for IUI, when I can possibly relax, what my stats might be, my chances of escape. Can I make it to the ultrasound? Or to three weeks from now? Or to five weeks from now?
Can it be that the fear is worse than the dread of a BFN? Perhaps yes: At least when preparing to cycle, or when cycling, you often have the energy to go out and do something. You throw exhaustion in the mix, and you don't have the strength to distract yourself.
Bleh. Time to go to outerspace. At least I wrote a few dis pages.
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8 comments:
I hope that the fear subsides a bit with each day. I imagine that it's different for someone who hasn't gone through IF before. You can't be as wonderfully naive as you wish you could be. I'm really happy for you both and I hope you have the most boring pregnancy ever! And stay away from those BSG doctors, they smoke ;)
The fear is completely normal. And as to when it goes away, not to scare you or anything (no pun intended), but I don't believe it ever completely goes away. Sure it gets easier, and less severe, but never disappears.
The exhaustion doesn't help and that does get better!
I hope you are able to relax soon. I know it's hard. Sending good thoughts. :)
I have no clue how to tackle that fear. Except to tell you to remember to breathe.
You may refer to me henceforth as Dr. Evil, but yes, I have found the anxiety of continuing pregnancy more difficult than the worry of IVF. With IVF you end up with an answer and a specified period of time in which to fret, pregnancy introduces new, mind boggling worries regularly. But, and this is the big BUT, it's a magic and a "people have no idea why I'm smiling all the time" feeling unlike anything I've ever experienced. With the good comes the bad.
Oh honey, I know this feeling all too well. I never was able to find a solution to this problem - Mr. X's admonishments not to worry didn't really help. My best recommendation is to just immerse yourself in activities and essentially stick your head in the sand until your scan. This is the blessing and the curse of knowing almost immediately that you're pregnant. You have plenty of time to think. :)
Hang in there and just breathe.
It's such a cruel irony, that we can't sit back and enjoy this experience fully because of the fear. I truly feel for you. Personally after the first trimester I did start to relax and enjoy, especially after all the miriad of tests came back. I hope you get there too, but I know where you are right now.
HaHa. I'm finally a first to comment. Type A much? At least you wrote annything let alone more than one page. Caught up on BSG thru season 4. So was the Dr. puffing away on a cig in your nightmare? Here's my Rx for you. Play Beatles Let it Be over and over again. Or maybe Frou Frou's Let Go. You're doing great. You've made it this far... you got the elusive BFP!!! Ride the ride. Don't let the fear override the joy. (Hoping you can shove these Pollyanna thoughts down my throat soon too!)
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