So things are better today. I worked things out somehow with my bureaucrat buddies at the DMV: I got my damned lerner's permit and even drove us home! I can still drive, it seems, though the first few moments were slightly shaky. My guy, at first somewhat on edge, soon relaxed and gave me supportive, helpful directions as we tooled around town. What a good man he is.
I also ate fish soup (again) last night. Is there some 12-step program I should be contemplating? I mean, the sweet, funny folks who run the restaurant, clearly family members (including one cute little toddler with a great giggle), are starting to teach me Burmese terms for cooking and food and urging me to order off the menu and get the really, really stinky, fishy dishes. But I love learning from them. If you find me blogging from their kitchen, though, stage an intervention.
I realized that I am making myself suffer by forcing myself to live up to my own, misguided expectations about productivity in this period of my life. I mean, it's pretty rough to start treatments and just keep rolling along, churning out pages of turgid prose on esoteric historical topics while losing your ever-loving mind, exercising enthusiastically when your belly's swollen as an overripe persimmon, resisting food temptations when your body screams eat! Now! I may gain weight. I may lose some momentum on the dis. I may not be the sharpest. I may be sleepy and touchy and always hungry. But I must stay somewhat sane and somewhat happy. Even if that means indulging in the occasional teary meltdown.
Somehow, finding the will to just let myself be has eased the hormonal pressure.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
8 comments:
Glad you are feeling better. Especially now since you're behind the wheel. Haha!
I clearly need to try this fish soup. Congrats on your learners permit! Heh.
I am smiling at the image of ShineJil being adopted by a Burmese family . . . .
glad to hear you had a better day. gotta love the burmese family who feeds you! don't let those hormones get you down.
I think it is incredibly tough to be undergoing treatments at the same time as attempting to write up a thesis. I constantly feel as if I'm being pulled in two different directions.
I'm glad that you've accepted that there are times when we just need to let things slide for a bit. The dissertation will get done - but at the moment, your energies are focussed on other things. At times like this, you need to do what feels right for you - and if that means living off fish soup, then go for it!
it sounds like you're being kind to yourself. enjoy the fish soup, there are way more harmful things that you could be doing so don't feel guity!
and so what if you're blogging from their kitchen? that way you can multitask while eating!
;)
Self-forgiveness is a pretty damn important skill when in the middle of ART. Write when you can, and rest when you need to, and try not to be too hard on yourself. You aren't superwoman (but you're damn close).
Oh, so glad you're being gentle with yourself! Isn't it amazing how accepting what is just makes a whole layer of pain go away? Keep up the good work - you are right to just take your foot off the metaphorical gas pedal right now (although not the real one - yay for late driver's licence getters!)
Post a Comment