I have no hope that this pregnancy will miraculously morph into a wunderkind (in the most literal of senses). But I do suddenly and inexplicably have hope. I was pregnant. I felt I was pregnant, as I've never felt it before. Most of this tricky process worked. We just had a bum egg and bum luck this time around.
But this could, possibly, if the stars align properly, turn into a child one day. Meaning our parts can meet, begin the process. We just don't know if this was a fluke fuck-up, or the indication of a more serious problem of some cryptic sort. Yet my intuition was not wrong. That little voice inside me whispering, "You're pregnant" (along with the other wretched symptoms) spoke the truth and wasn't just blowing sunshine up my wishful thinking ass. I can't tell you what that means to me. It's as if a part of myself, one that had always served me so eerily well in the past, one I had come to detest because it never seemed to jive with reality has suddenly been proven accurate. My old friend is back and not a liar. And the voice says that all will be well in the end.
I spoke with Nurse Sweetie today. She had her own IF hell she went through, which explains why she's so amazingly nice and appropriate. We agree that my chances of having a baby from this are basically null, but I had already resigned myself to that Monday when Red Army attacked (and boy did it ever!). So the low beta was not a terrible disappointment, more an odd twist in the plot.
Again, for those of you playing Fantasy Fertility at home, I've got another blood draw tomorrow AM, which will likely show a plummeting beta. If it doesn't, I'll be so flabbergasted that I'll likely start to believe that pigs can fly, snowballs can easily weather the flames of hell, and that kind of thing. I'll also be nervous that something's done implanted where it shouldn't, and that I'll soon be ushered into a new circle of the inferno.
Let's hope not.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
16 comments:
Oh honey, what a rollercoaster. I'm so disappointed for you that this wasn't a resounding "PREGNANT" and yet, here you are on this crazy road of maybe. I'm so glad you can look at this as proof that the parts work, and the process can bring you a baby. I'm secretly hoping for good news from this against all odds. But in the case it's not, once you've gotten pregnant once I hear it can jumpstart your body into doing it right the next time. So maybe this is just the warm-up for next cycle. Thinking of you.
I think it's very encouraging to know all your parts are working! there is still hope to be had.
I think that it is incredibly difficult when we are made to feel that we cannot trust our own intuition, so I'm glad that the beta did at least make you feel that your instincts were correct.
I hope tomorrow's blood test brings you some peace.
I wish it was more conclusive for you. But, it ain't over yet... hang in there. (((HUGS)))
I like the idea that maybe your body will be like - Oooooh, so that's how it's done and make you a baby next time.
Instead of just screwing with you.
I'm sorry this is suck a mindfuck yo.
Are you coming to my neck of the woods for any of this? If you're up to it and want to meet for lunch or anything, I'm around. Just sosya know.
oh wow, really your rollercoster is insane!
it sounds like you are thinking pretty positivly though, so that is good. and I am glad that little voice is back and not lieing!
You are an inspiration, Shinejil, to see so much hope in this situation. I'm so glad you are finding and focusing on the good parts of this, and most glad that your intuition and you are back in alignment, just the way you should be.
Hoping along with you that nobody has set up a squat in your tubes.
Thanks for stopping by my blog! (glad I could help you out with a little laugh)
YIKES too...I'll definitely be staying tuned for tomorrow's results (with my fingers tightly crossed)...but nonetheless I can understand your happiness that at least you knew what your body was saying this time around.
Oh how I hate limbo! I know it well! I hope that you get clarity from the next beta and I am so glad you still have hope.
Seriously. Beta rollercoasters suck, even when you knew what the end meant before you got in the car.
But great that you find it so positive that it did work, if only for a few moments. Future luck seems possible!
I was convinced you were pregnant with the symptoms you had described in some of your previous posts. I wish it was more clear cut, but I love your attitude about this.
Sending out hugs and positive vibes your way.
OMG, I'm just getting caught up. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. All that hope and then the tease of being just a little bit pregnant and not knowing which way it will go ... But I also remember feeling hope when I had my chemical pg because, as you say, it shows that there is a possibility of all the parts meeting someday. Keeping my fingers crossed that all turns out well.
Hon - you have every right to rejoice that yes, you had a pregnancy even if it didn't exactly make itself known. I remember when I got pregnant the first time - even after I miscarried I was ridiculously happy to know that I could get pregnant. That is half the battle. I do hope that this was a fluke and that next time, there will be a giant, all caps PREGNANT announcement and nine months later, an even better one.
Hang in there - there is still some good news in all of this and I'm so glad for you that you have that.
It's obviously not the result you wanted, but seriously, it's a darn good start and a darn good attitude.
Pregnant is pregnant, even if you lose it right away. Chemical pregnancies are not "fake." They're just short-lived. And it IS a huge success. Now it's just a matter of playing the odds.
And it's okay to still be hopeful for this cycle. I had the same scenario my first IVF cycle--my period started the same day I had my first positive beta, and my beta actually doubled in two days. It didn't work out for me, but my RE told me that it is possible to miscarry one embryo and still hang on to another. So you're not totally crazy to think you might stay preggers.
That being said, I remember how crazed I was during that time. Like Tabi said, limbo totally sucks.
Post a Comment